Children can burst into tantrums when we least expect it, especially when they are young and their ability to verbalize what they feel is still reduced.
Although in general, we know that these emotional outbursts are a normal part of their development, parents do not always know how to handle the moment in a positive and respectful way, and we often make these mistakes when dealing with children’s tantrums .
Not understanding that tantrums are normal
It is absurd to think that the baby or small child reasons, feels or understands the world in the same way as we do, since their brain is still immature and shows important differences with the adult brain.
Understanding that your brain is purely emotional during the first years of life will help us understand tantrums as a normal part of their development, and thus be able to act accordingly.
Get angry and blame the child for it
Faced with an emotional outburst that is difficult to contain , it is normal for parents to feel nervous, stunned or even angry. But the fact that a tantrum is uncomfortable or annoying is not the fault of the child, but of emotional mismanagement on our part.
Children do not cry to annoy or inconvenience us, but to express an invisible need (physical or emotional) that needs to be attended to and that they do not know how to communicate with words due to their immaturity and lack of emotional resources.
Allow ourselves to be influenced by “what others will say”
Sometimes we parents make the mistake of wanting to calm our little one’s tantrum at all costs with the main objective of stopping him from yelling and bothering those around us. That is to say, what they will say is more important to us than what is really happening in their little brain.
But if we allow ourselves to be influenced by the environment, by the looks and comments of other people, we will be moving away from our child’s needs and disconnecting from him; so we will not be able to help you.
Stay on the surface of their behavior
Let’s face it: listening to a child scream, cry and kick is not pleasant . The screams bother and stun, and it is logical that we do not like them. But we cannot stay only in this superficial behavior, because underneath this behavior that we all see, there is a hidden need that must be met.
The reasons that can lead the young child to overflow emotionally are innumerable. There are clearly identifiable ones, such as being hungry, sleepy, tired, unwell or in pain.
There may also be situations that affect your emotional state that are more difficult to detect. It happens, for example, when the child feels threatened, uncomfortable or stressed and suddenly explodes without us understanding the reasons.
Similarly, the frustrations of the first years of life are another of the most common causes of tantrums in children, and can also be caused by multiple factors.
For all this, it is essential to take time and look at our child with child’s glasses, because only then can we connect with their emotions from calm and the most absolute respect for their needs.
Set him aside to “think about what he has done”
Sometimes we also make the mistake of excluding the child and forcing him to “reflect” on his actions , when, for example, the tantrum has occurred as a result of behavior that the adult considers inappropriate.
But brushing aside a child in the midst of an emotional outburst with the excuse of “thinking about what he has done” is not only completely ineffective, but above all disrespectful and damaging to his self-esteem and confidence.
Pretend that he reasons and listens to us
When the child is faced with a situation that causes frustration or stress and that ends up overwhelming him emotionally, his brain is blocked, because the amygdala detects a threat. In this way, the child begins to experience physical sensations such as rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and tense muscles (some children even self-harm, as a result of this anxiety).
So no matter how much you want to reason with your child at that moment, lecture him or give him a lecture about what is right and what is wrong, he is not going to listen to you . It is better to wait until he is calm to talk calmly and look for solutions to what happened.
Label or ridicule
“How ugly you get when you cry”, “crying is for babies” , “you’re a crybaby”, “I don’t like children who cry”, “how heavy you get when you cry” … There are innumerable phrases that ridicule the crying or the crying child .
Although many times we are not aware of the great emotional burden that our words and our labels carry towards the child, they cause serious damage to their self-esteem, cause frustration, anxiety, misunderstanding and a host of negative feelings that end up affecting even the long term. term.
Do not give importance to what you are feeling
We often make the mistake of wanting to silence children’s tantrums as soon as possible because their concerns seem trivial to us. For this reason, “don’t cry for that nonsense” is usually one of the first phrases that escape us as parents when our children explode.
However, with this message we are invalidating your feeling and unconsciously asking you not to feel what you are feeling, as well as conveying the message that your problems are not important to us.
Ignore, reprimand or punish you
As we say, tantrums are the way that children have to express what happens to them , since they do not always have the ability to do it verbally.
If instead of supporting him emotionally and delving into his needs to try to cover them, we ignore his crying or turn our backs on him, reprimand his attitude or even punish him for feeling what he feels, our son will feel displaced, rejected, misunderstood and humiliated .
Blackmail him to stop crying
Emotional blackmail is a very powerful form of manipulation by which close and affectionate people threaten the child, directly or indirectly, so that they do or stop doing something that bothers others.
There are many ways to blackmail a child to stop crying; from threatening him that he will not go to the park afterwards, to cajoling him with promises or prizes if he stops crying. In all cases , blackmail subdues the child, provokes fear and forces him to quickly modify his behavior based on an external threat.
Not attending to our son with all our love and respect
Showing contempt for our child’s behavior or threatening to withdraw our love if he doesn’t stop crying is the most cruel, terrible and inhuman form of emotional blackmail that exists for a child.
Our children need to know that parents love them unconditionally and that we will stay by their side no matter what happens or whatever they do.
