Eager for attention, more withdrawn than his little brother – who is all laughs – less responsible than his older brother … and somewhat bland: this is the image that many have of middle brothers . But today science denies those myths and finally frees the middle of the house from the pressure of stereotype. If you are concerned about your middle child , we will tell you what you can do at home so that he is great, so that you all are.
Middle brother syndrome, does it exist?
We human beings love to classify things and to be able to name them. I do not expose it as a criticism: classifying is necessary and functional, nothing to object to about it.
However, we must be critical of our classifications, because sometimes we come “too high”, we buy as truth stereotypes that have nothing real and we end up modifying our behavior … and that of our children with it.
In a brief way, to get an idea, the middle brother syndrome consists, as collected by K. Schumann and C. Salmon, in the book resulting from their research on the subject The Secret Power of Middle Children that the child who occupies this place among the brothers is:
- Neglected
- He resents his parents for not receiving the same attention as his siblings
- Has less creativity
- Lack of professional focus
- A negative, more pessimistic view of life
- Worse self esteem
- Feeling of “not belonging” (especially towards family, something like being out of place and not finding your place).
However, according to the APA (American Psychological Association) there is no consistent evidence to support the existence of this syndrome as such.
In fact, from this organization, as well as in specific studies, it is pointed out that research today indicates that the birth order of children, although it has a small and subtle influence on their personality and intelligence, does not it has consistent effects on the child’s psychological outcomes.
To this day it is not recognized as a syndrome, as a clinical category , by the scientific community.
It would then be, to summarize, something that can exert a certain influence but does not categorically determine the development of the child.
Social image, classifications and prejudices
If we think of the figure of the middle brother, surely many of us will think of that stereotype that we have seen on television and in the cinema: the most anodyne brother, with less personality, a bit bossed around by some and by others … the one who receives the least attention from mom and dad etc.
Not all families are the same, there are no absolutely closed patterns, there are many variables at stake as far as family dynamics are concerned , so it does not make sense to affirm that middle-aged children systematically receive less attention from their parents. parents, for example.
Qualities of middle children
The truth is that, as I mentioned, most of the times that we address the issue of middle siblings we focus on deficits (less attention from parents) or on the possible negative effects that their position in the family may cause them.
However, authors such as the aforementioned C. Salmon and K. Schumann point out in their book that middle siblings can present very positive qualities.
Previous clarification : the characteristics that I am going to list below are the result of the study of these authors, but in addition to the fact that there is no consistent scientific evidence to support them, it is not a descriptive list, the authors do not affirm that each child is The middle brother will fulfill these characteristics, but that position among the brothers could favor or enhance the development of certain aspects .
- Mediators, good negotiators : being between two brothers of different ages could develop negotiation skills.
- More creative when it comes to problem solving .
- Sociable, open to meeting other people and therefore with good social skills.
- They can be more independent with respect to their parents than their siblings, which favors them being more autonomous .
- More open to experience, to trying new things.
The paper of the parents
Conditioning our behavior as parents based on the order of birth would be like doing it based on hair color, zodiac sign or any variable that occurs to us. Please, let’s not try to change the way we act with our children because of the order they have among the siblings.
Children, our children, want – and need – our attention, regardless of whether they are the oldest or the last of seven siblings, as Adele Faber, author of Brothers, Not Rivals points out. Having their space, feeling valued for who they are, for who they are, is what matters.
Your middle child is unique , but not because he is middle, but because he is who he is, in the same way that the oldest or the youngest is.
It is true that the cuteness of babies or the maturity and occurrences of the eldest can make us drool, but for that we have the head, to remind ourselves that each one is special and to know how to establish the relationship that each one of them needs, to also hallucinate with what the medium says and does, with his outings , his talent for drawing or the art he has to escape from homey browns.
Enjoy them, try to be there for them, but without forcing it, without being equanimous means saying the same to each one at all times , in measuring attention in grams and distributing the same amount to each one: there is nothing more terrible than Notice that they are saying something to you because as your brother has done something good, so that you do not feel bad or less they are also saying something to you.
Find moments to be with each of your children separately , just you. This will help them to feel that they have their place, that they are important, while it will help you get to know each other better, that you have shared experiences and, ultimately, what is most important: that the bond between you is stronger.
In Babies and more | How the children’s birth order influences their personality
