It is essential that parents give our children the freedom to act autonomously, even at the risk that they may make mistakes (as we all make mistakes). But making mistakes is not a negative thing , quite the opposite: it is a wonderful opportunity to learn and continue to grow as people.
However, it is often difficult for parents to empower their children when we know positively that they will fail . It’s normal that it hurts to see them fail, and that’s why we tend to warn them or say, “See? I told you!” when they make a mistake.
We explain why this attitude of ours is harmful to them and does not help them to learn and mature.
“Pay attention to me, or you will be wrong”: an attitude that avoids failure and does not help the child to learn
Parents do not have a crystal ball that shows us everything, but we undoubtedly have a life experience that leads us to anticipate the mistakes that our children could make if they make a certain decision. Hence, many times we cannot avoid telling them what to do in order not to be wrong.
One of the forms of overprotection that we use the most is the warnings so that they do what we consider that they should do, and thus avoid them falling into the error that we know they will commit if they act differently.
Let’s see it with a simple example : “Keep your notebook in your backpack or you will leave it at home and tomorrow the teacher will not be able to correct your homework.”
Faced with this paternal attitude, children tend to do two things:
1) Obey us without question … and get it right
In this case, the child acts directed by us , so although he will not make the mistake of forgetting the notebook at home, he will not learn the consequences that it would have if this happened, because we are not giving him the possibility of making a mistake.
In addition, since mom and dad are always avoiding obstacles along the way, the child will never learn to face their failures , nor will they develop their critical thinking, the one that helps them to question, evaluate and analyze information before making a decision.
All this can end up negatively influencing your self-esteem and confidence, as you will grow up feeling unable to face situations or make decisions for yourself.
2) Don’t do what we tell you to do … and fail
But it could also happen that instead of paying attention to the parents, the child ends up doing the opposite and errs. When this happens, parents feel frustrated, angry and hurt, mainly for two reasons.
First, because our son has not done what we told him to do, and second, because he has made a mistake that could have been prevented by “obeying” us.
In addition, as a consequence of the mistakes made by our son for not doing what we want him to do, many parents end up releasing the familiar expression of “I told you so!”; some words that are especially harmful to the child, as we will analyze below.
“See? I told you you were going to be wrong!”: The comment about a mistake that deeply damages self-esteem
When parents warn our children over and over again about a topic, but it ends up failing because they don’t “listen to us” and do not follow our instructions , we often tend to highlight that mistake with phrases and comments that are hurtful to the development of their personality.
When a child who makes a mistake because of having made a decision receives this type of comments from his parents (the people he loves the most and who are his main references in life), it is normal for him to feel:
- Shame, guilt and humiliation.
- Sensation of feeling “tiny”, insignificant or useless in front of the omniscience of their parents.
- Lack of security and self-confidence.
- Feeling that it is not valid and does not know how to act or make decisions for itself ( “I don’t dare to make this decision; I’m sure I’ll be wrong again” ).
- Dependence and constant need for your parents to approve any step you take or decision you make (something that could even end up affecting you in the future).
- Since the phrase “I told you so” affects the mistake made, the child will feel like a failure and the only thing he will learn for the next time is to submissively abide by what his parents order him to do, so as not to fail again.
As is logical, all this will end up affecting the bond and the relationship between parents and children , eventually causing a greater distance and lack of trust in them.
In short, if with our comments and attitudes we constantly convey to our children that they are not capable of doing things without us, they will grow up insecure, fearful, incapable of facing adversity, taking risks and making decisions for fear of failure.
How should we act if we know that our son is going to make a mistake?
To begin with, it is important to emphasize that at no time are we talking about mistakes or bad decisions that put our child and / or other people at risk . In these cases it is obvious that we must intervene and talk with the child so that he is aware of the implications that acting in a certain way could have for his life or that of others, and look for other alternative solutions to the decision he was thinking of taking.
What we are talking about is why we should not prevent our children from failing or making mistakes that may involve learning for their lives, and that allow them to acquire future skills.
Here are some powerful reasons why it is good for children to fail:
1) Because mistakes serve to learn.
2) Because being wrong provides essential skills for life (capacity for effort and improvement, not giving up in the face of adversity, humility, conflict resolution, empathy …)
3) Because making decisions (even if they are wrong) helps the child to develop critical thinking, becoming autonomous and competent people.
4) Because having the freedom to decide, make mistakes, fall and get up strengthens self-esteem, security and self-confidence .
5) And finally, because we all make mistakes at some point , so why should children – who are precisely learning to develop skills to cope with life – have to be different?
Because although parents always try to do things in the best possible way and thinking about the good of our children, it is also important that we are aware of how certain attitudes and phrases (which in most cases we say without thinking) could harm their self-esteem and not contribute to their learning.
Children need autonomy, accompaniment and emotional support from their parents. This respectful accompaniment will give them confidence and autonomy to make their own decisions, be aware of the repercussions of their actions and face errors in a positive way, seeing in them the possibility of learning and improving for the future.
Photos | Pexels, iStock
In Babies and More | Six things you can do for your child this school year that will serve them for a lifetime, Why it is important to teach our children to develop critical thinking and how to do it
