When we get carried away by the avalanche of routine, especially when we are parents, sometimes we forget the value of words . In a moment of fatigue or frustration, we may come to say things that we would not normally say … words that we would never actually say to someone for whom we have respect. More often than I would like to, I hear phrases like “You’re a bore!” “Look how heavy you are!” or “Don’t be heavy!” . I think we have normalized it so much that we have come to trivialize about the consequences that using them can have with our children.
More empathy is needed with our children
I think it is necessary to start from the official definition of the word so that we all have the same starting point:
heavy, from
From part. weighing 1.
1. adj. That weighs a lot.
2. adj. obese
3. adj. Dream saying: Intense, deep.
4. adj. Said of the day, the weather or the atmosphere: embarrassing.
5. adj. Said of the head: That suffers from daze.
6. adj. Slow or very slow.
7. adj. Annoying, annoying, impertinent.
8. adj. Bored, you have no interest.
9. adj. That needs a lot of attention or is difficult to do.
10. adj. Offensive, sensitive.
11. adj. Hard, violent, insufferable, difficult to bear.
Surely to many my thinking will seem exaggerated . “It’s okay to say ‘heavy’ to a child … my parents used to tell me all the time and here I am .” I firmly believe in positive parenting and using these kinds of words completely at odds with the way I raise my daughters, but could it be that a word that has negative connotations, added to a non-verbal language that reaffirms them, can make some kind of dent in your child’s mind? And if he ends up believing it, what do you think that as an adult he is convinced that he is a bore?
Empathy (at least the word) is in fashion. It is said that to be a better person we must be more empathetic with our peers, but are we empathic with our children? If we heard over and over from someone we love very much that we are “heavy”, surely we would not feel loved or respected. Although we may think that children do not understand these things and do not give them importance, we are wrong. These types of words hurt and with the passage of time they leave their mark , especially when they come from our parents.
Why do I end up calling my son “heavy”?
From time to time we adults should evaluate why sometimes we react the way we do and why sometimes we have so little patience with them. Let us bear in mind that children are very insistent when they want to tell us something that seems very important to them , and if at that moment you do not pay the attention it needs, and it is also a behavior that we repeat day after day, we will probably be creating a feeling of emptiness in the child, and long-term insecurities.
It is true that culturally speaking, “heavy” is a term that is accepted (although I will never cease to be surprised that it is precisely accepted when we say it to children), but perhaps it would be an interesting exercise to try to change the use of that word to a more positive … or maybe just listen to them when they want to talk to us, even go ahead and ask them how they are when we begin to notice that they want to get our attention.
A child’s self-esteem is built day by day with small blocks that come from their interactions with the world, and the value of those blocks is higher if they come from their parents. Let us not underestimate your problems or concerns because we are the first people they will always turn to. Furthermore, communication is a habit that is cultivated day after day: we cannot expect our teenagers to trust us and tell us everything, if when they were children they wanted to do it and we responded with “don’t be boring .”
In Babies and More | How to set limits for children with respect and empathy: seven keys to positive discipline
