(Expansion) – Óscar had been trying to become a father for six years with his wife, Julia. Diagnosed with a biological infertility problem and after assisted reproduction treatments, they finally became pregnant. This year, Óscar would finally be the father of a girl: Sofi.
The day that Julia’s contractions began was the sign that the longed-for day had arrived. Already in the hospital, he perceived a notable tension in the health professionals who were in the room, he sensed that something was wrong.
At birth, Sofi did not cry, did not breathe, she was dead. Oscar’s heart broke, silent.
According to Dr. Irma Alejandra Coronado Zarco, Deputy Director of Neonatology at the National Institute of Perinatology, in 2019 alone, 117 fetal and neonatal deaths were registered daily. Daily!
If your co-worker was Oscar and you congratulated him on Father’s Day and he answered that Sofi was stillborn, what would you do?
Yes, no one is ready for something like that, but here are some ideas.
Avoid remaining phrases
1. “Be strong: your wife needs you.” This conventionalism based on the stereotype that man should take the role of the “strong” is one of the most suffocating burdens. It is common for co-workers and friends to ask about the mother in the face of a loss and worry that she is well. At no time do I think that this should cease to be the case. Women deserve that support.
But in this dynamic, parents are often left aside in the grieving processes and are not offered the help they need. If you tell him that he must be strong for her, you are ignoring his emotions and making his right that he also mourns invisible.
2. “Make it win.” When you say this you are judging and condemning the way he is dealing with his pain. It is as if you are telling him that he is not doing it well enough and he should do it “with more enthusiasm”. Trust me, you are doing the best you can with the resources you humanly have.
3. “Well, at least you have your wife.” This comment falls into the category of “you have to see the good side of life” and at a time like this it is unwise because it is as if you were saying “stop showing yourself sad in front of me”, “you are showing an emotion that bothers me” or “I do not accept you if you are sad.” He needs you to validate his sadness.
It also avoids the “elephant in the room” effect.
If in a meeting with a client you coincide with him, it is natural that you do not want to touch the subject so as not to open his wound further, but it is not a good idea to pretend that you do not know his situation because you will make him feel invisible and you will increase his pain.
Surely you think, do I tell him I’m sorry or better not? If the context is inappropriate, it may help to not say anything, make eye contact, and place your hand on your heart as a sign that her pain is not going unnoticed by you but you respect her space at a time when energy must be focused elsewhere. thing.
Contributions that add up
What to say?
It’s common to have the feeling that you need to help her pain heal. Duels are not “fixed”. What you can do is accompany him at this stage by letting him know that it is okay not to be okay.
You can comment “I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. It must be a very difficult experience having to deal with different emotions, people, and situations at the same time. Trust that you have the ability to go through this and that includes asking me for help. I can help you by listening to you ” .
Believe me, he will welcome your attentive silence.
In the days that follow, asking questions like how are you doing? How are you doing with all this? Can help you open up. But if he doesn’t, even if you know he’s having a hard time, don’t force him to vent. What you can do is show your closeness and kindness.
To do?
Take tangible actions to help him. It is common to want to express your support through words like “whatever you need, here I am.”
Honestly in a situation of so much pain, surely your emotions are so devastating that you have no idea what you need.
So supporting you with concrete things like offering to help you find a perinatal grief professional who can support you can be of value. If you live near him, offering yourself up for tangible tasks like taking his dog out or even taking out the trash on those days could be a good contribution.
In short, even if you feel vulnerable, accompany your partner to give voice to his situation and avoid pretending that nothing has happened. If you show your empathy and stay away from toxic positivity, you will be helping him a lot.
Editor’s Note: Adriana Castro has a specialty in Psychology of Creativity from the Autonomous University of Barcelona. She is the founder of Call to Action: Happy Companies. Follow her on (adrianacastromx). The opinions in this column belong exclusively to the author.
