Phrases made like “whoever loves you well will make you cry” or “the letter with blood enters”, denote that there must be some pain or suffering in affection or love .
It is true that if someone seeks harm, deep down they may do it to do good: from the punishment of a father to his son to the anxiety that a dentist arouses (whom we have even paid to produce that anxiety, although either collaterally).
While all of this is true, we should not start from the assumption that we always seek the good of the other . Sometimes our brain takes pleasure in causing harm to others, even if they are loved ones. And, in general, if the possibility of reward is more attractive than that of guilt, then we can come to put our own needs and desires before the welfare of others.
Supramarginal gyrus
In addition to all that has been said, there is another reason why we can become less empathetic with others. In a 2013 study by Georgia Silani and her team of collaborators from the Max Planck Institute, it was identified that the supramarginal gyrus , a region located at the junction of the parietal, temporal, and frontal lobes, had part of the responsibility that we can feel empathy .
What they also found is that this system only works if our emotional state is not very different from that of the other person. If there is a great emotional distance, then the supramarginal gyrus must work harder and is less precise. In other words, we become more inept at realizing that we are hurting someone : if, for example, we are very happy, it will be more difficult for us to notice that the other person is not, even if we are the cause of it. that discontent.
In this way, when we are cruel or selfish with someone, even if it may be a loved person, we will more easily argue that that person will understand it, that it is only a joke, that there is trust, etc. Because we will not be so aware of the damage produced .
As if that were not enough, although almost all people are born with an inclination to cooperate and avoid doing unnecessary harm to others, education from a young age also modulates this inclination . In the early years, it is when a child begins to realize that others have internal states (emotions, desires, thoughts) that are often different from his own.
As Jeremy Rifkin points out in his book The Empathic Civilization : “Naturally, punishing a child for a social transgression will almost always have the opposite effect to what is intended and will make the child less empathetic. The best way to develop empathic potential of the child is through the use of induction, a method by which parents highlight the other’s point of view and make it clear that the child’s action has made them suffer. “
In conclusion, whoever loves you does not necessarily have to make you cry : that suffering may also be the result of his supramarginal turn not being precise enough in his work of putting himself in the shoes of the other, either due to a deficit education in that sense or from a complete lack of emotional disconnect.
Referencia: Giorgia Silani, Claus Lamm, Christian C. Ruff and Tania Singer, Journal of Neuroscience 25 September 2013, 33 (39) 15466-15476; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.1488-13.2013.
