The pandemic is testing couple relationships. If it was crunching before, it can now be really difficult. A psychologist sees the upcoming Valentine’s Day as an opportunity.
Berlin/Frankfurt – narrowness and monotony: Corona is an unprecedented challenge for couples. Singer Alexander Klaws made his marriage crisis caused by the pandemic public in December.
He explained he turned to a couples therapist after conflicts over messiness and cleaning with his wife. Other couples continue to argue behind closed doors – and go in circles. “Corona is a probationary situation,” says the Berlin psychotherapist and author on the subject of love and partnership, Wolfgang Krüger.
In the wake of corona restrictions and home office regulations, many couples are spending much more time together than before. If one’s own bad mood is then attached to the other, there is a risk of constant and grueling arguments about small things like washing the dishes. “The nerves are quickly on edge,” says the therapist. Many already ailing relationships would not survive. “I’m assuming there will be a wave of separation after Corona,” says Krüger.
Parents, especially young mothers, are exhausted, says psychologist Christine Backhaus, who works as a relationship coach in Frankfurt am Main: “They are crawling on their gums.” Reconciling family and work during the pandemic is sometimes more as distressing.
Home schooling and child care is something that women are stuck with
The very traditional understanding of roles that prevails in Germany has meant that most of the work in terms of home schooling and childcare is left to women during the lockdown, says social scientist Mine Kühn from the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock. In a study, she measured the increased stress and exhaustion of the mothers. The researcher demands that politicians should take this into account in possible further measures.
Whether parents or not – couples who had problems before experienced Corona like a fire accelerator, says psychologist Backhaus. The pandemic has also shown that life is finite – and many found that they did not want to waste their time with a relationship that was going badly.
But there are also positive effects: “Professional married couples, who were previously mainly working, have had the chance to live the partnership in a different way.” The couples could have rediscovered each other through more togetherness and deceleration. Cautious people would have had the courage to move in together as a result of the lockdown experiences. “For people who have difficulties with relationships and attachments, it was a nice accelerator.” The home office also eased the situation for partnerships with infidelity problems.
Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to surprise each other
“But the big issue is autonomy, how much freedom do I need?” says Backhaus. The opportunity to live out one’s own needs, to go out with friends and to go on vacation, was gone. And if you then see yourself in jogging pants every day, it becomes difficult with attraction and eroticism. It is important to endure pressure and a feeling of tightness: “Many have learned to persevere here without always running away from conflicts.” And to talk about it with your partner. In some places, this even gave rise to new confidence and belief in oneself.
The psychologist sees Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to surprise each other and make yourself beautiful. “Even if things are tough, you can pull yourself together and think about what would make the other person happy?” Or just say “I love you” or “I love you because…” again.
The psychotherapist Krüger also advises taking good care of yourself. “Everyone is responsible for their own mood.” It is important to maintain diverse social relationships, which can also be done while walking, over the phone or via video. “Then the relationship can breathe and you can report something new again.” It is important to leave each other space – which is even possible in a small apartment: “For example, I don’t speak to my wife when she reads.”
The time without going to concerts and parties can be used to clean up or for long-standing matters such as the tax return. Or you can start a new hobby. The therapist suggests doing a kind of ritual in the morning, asking yourself what you’re grateful for. In the evening you can ask yourself what went well during the day. This can also increase mood and self-confidence and provide the basis for a successful partnership despite the corona crisis. dpa
