Complaints are one of the most common resources used by children (mainly younger ones) to express when they feel dissatisfied, disliked or uncomfortable in a situation. However, despite being a perfectly normal resource, this can become manipulation when the children settle in the complaint.
Thus, in some situations it is normal for children to complain, but what happens in cases where the complaint is not justified or when they get stuck in it?
It is precisely there where we must intervene so that the complaint does not become a habit that harms him , or a resource to evade his responsibilities, that he uses as a means to victimize himself.
As parents, it is important to know our children, understand and empathize with them, and above all, be aware that many times they do things in a certain way because they do not know other models of action; they are still learning! So first of all, patience and lots of love.
Children who settle in the complaint: why do they do it?
First of all, it is important to understand that complaining is part of children’s personality development and their need for reassurance.
Thus, if your child complains from time to time you should not be alarmed or look for all possible means to stop him from doing so , because it is the simplest way in which he can express to us when he does not feel comfortable in a situation or when you are unhappy.
But we must be careful because our children may sometimes use the complaint to tell us something that they are not knowing how to express in other words.
For example, if our son constantly complains when he goes to class , it is possible that something is happening there that he does not like and it is probable that he does not know how to say it, so he will use the complaint as a resource to show disagreement. So it is our duty to investigate whenever our children complain.
The complaint as manipulation
Some children discover that by constantly complaining they can get what they want, so they make it an essential resource in their daily actions. In these cases there are no reasons to justify the complaint.
They are usually accompanied by tantrums and complaints, and if they are not corrected and accompanied in time, they will continue to escalate in intensity . In many cases, parents give in to these demands to avoid unpleasant moments, but this, although in the short term “stops” the unpleasant moment, actually makes the problem chronic (because it will reappear in the future).
How can I help my son?
If your child constantly complains for no reason , and has made this the only way to act, there are some things you can do to help him not always settle in complaining:
Preach by example
One of the things that we often neglect is paying attention to how we behave in front of our children; it is important to remember that they learn more from what they see than from what we tell them to do, so we must be their role models.
Avoid complaining in front of your children about “unjustified” things, or in excess. When you are presented with situations that cause you annoyance or discomfort, use your words to describe it and look for a way to act in the face of it to face it and solve it. In this way your children will learn that when we don’t like something, we simply look for a solution instead of complaining.
The emotion is valid; behavior is not always
It is important for children to understand that emotions are legal and valid, but that they must find a way to express them and channel them properly.
In this way, they can, for example, put words to the emotion they feel , use the drawing, etc., instead of resorting to the complaint that often ends up becoming victimization (which is not functional or adaptive for them, and ends up generating more discomfort).
Be empathetic and encourage emotional management
Allow yourself to emotionally connect with your child through empathy, and try to understand how he feels when he is constantly complaining. You can let them know in your words with phrases like: ‘I understand that you feel frustrated about this situation’, ‘I can understand that you don’t feel good about it’, etc.
You can even ask your children to tell you what they feel; help them find the right words to express their feelings and thoughts. Always remember to remain calm in the whole situation, if you are calm your child will feel calmer.
Do not encourage the role of victim
When your child complains, avoid constantly talking to him about the complaint; you can help him put into words what he feels, as we have explained, but do not spend time discussing his complaint , as this reinforces in him that he has a role of victim within the situation that has occurred.
So what can we do? Help him think about how he can fix or change the things he doesn’t like or what he dislikes.
It is also a perfect opportunity to teach them that we are not always in control of everything, and that we must take care of the things that we can change.
Accompany him with love in those tantrums
We know that this in particular can be very complicated to do, especially when we are in public places. However, it is important that we can accompany those tantrums, tantrums or tantrums in a healthy way.
We know that it is a very uncomfortable situation, but remember that it is temporary. In the face of the child’s tantrums, stay close and go down to his height, stay with him without saying anything and wait for him to calm down. Once he does, hug him; that’s when you can talk to him about it . Help him put his feelings into words, and explain that you understand why he feels that way, but that there are other ways to express it.
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