No more swaying, smiling, sloshing and babble: the Bütt will remain empty again this year on carnival. The Rhineland carnival artist Anne Vogd climbs in for us anyway
Thank you, thank you, dear fools! Thank you for the friendly applause…. Well, you’re probably not clapping when reading these lines – and if you are, I couldn’t even hear it. But, as a passionate speaker at carnival, with acute phantom pain at the moment, what else can I do this year than just imagine it like this? And if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Corona, it’s that we can imagine something, right? I mean, before 2020, who would have thought of sentences like “You go to the bank? Don’t forget the mask!’ can imagine? DASH! Or on the bus: “Would you please pack your nose back up?” TUSCH!
Or who could have imagined that we would all work from home one day? Yes all. Listen, I’ve seen more living rooms in a week on TV in the last two years than one JW has in a lifetime. DASH! Even my postman worked from home. Then he read my letters at home. And if there was anything important in it, he called.
PEN!
Olli also did home office. Olli, that’s my colleague. One of those people who never get to the office on time in the morning. No, never! Not even by accident. And once he gets there, he’s 100 percent unprepared. He thought home office was great. Yes, I’m different. Much more conscientious. And then Olli always says to me: “Man, don’t be so jecky all the time! Remember, the lazy sow says to the nerd pig: ‘Congratulations, you’ll be a bratwurst in front of me’.” TUSCH! In moments like this I think defiantly: well, at least I’ve become something… TUSCH!
But I can’t get out of my skin. He called the other day, I said: “Olli, keep it short, I have tele, network and video conferences, my appointment calendar is full.” Olli says: “I know that.” I ask: “What? … appointments ?” “No,” he says: “to be full”. DASH!
Yes, he has to be a little careful. This “home drinking” is dangerous. He’s now trying to get professional help. “I came into a huge room,” he told me, “and I asked, ‘Is this the support group for alcoholics?'” And the answer came: “Yes. But we are already full.”
PEN!
Good, but there were also difficult weeks for Olli. He broke up with his girlfriend during the pandemic. Yes, it wasn’t easy for many people to tolerate and endure. It happened after the second lockdown when he was back in the beer garden with Hannes from Marketing for the first time. Suddenly a gorgeous blonde walked by. Hannes shouts outraged: “Olli, look! do you see them do you see them? She’s going off in bed like a rocket.” Olli is completely taken aback: “Hey, that’s mine…” Then Hannes laconically: “Oh yes, then you already know it.” TUSCH!
But you already know Olli a bit. For him there is nothing that cannot be “leveled”. After three Kölsch he thought very thoughtfully: “Life is like Düsseldorf – sometimes you had to go through it.” TUSCH! But who am I telling that, dear fools! What is this year again with our carnival? Of course, just because we want to celebrate, the virus doesn’t make home office. And who wants to sing: “Viva Coronia…” TUSCH!
But I want to be honest: When the session carnival in the Rhineland, my homeland, was officially canceled on December 14th, I was still devastated. When my husband found me in a heap in the evening, he said comfortingly: “Come on dear, let’s have a drink first. What do you want? Beer, wine, sparkling wine, champagne, cider, schnapps, liqueur?” It didn’t take me long to answer: “Exactly in that order!”
PEN!
But thank God many clubs reacted quickly. Instead of scheme F, this year there’s plan B again. And that’s never wrong in life. An example: Last week they were at my door again: two gentlemen in gray flannel suits. One asked: “Would you like to become a Jehovah’s Witness?” I first turned off the vacuum cleaner, kicked away the cable, wiped the sweat from my forehead, took a deep breath and said: “Jesses, now come in first.” Then they stood there in front of me, in the hall, with their trolleys, while I collected myself and asked: “So, gentlemen, and now? How should it go on?” Says one of them, shrugging his shoulders: “Yes, I don’t know either. We’ve never gotten that far.” TUSCH!
Virtual greetings or small formats that can be streamed – this is how you try to help fools with phantom pain. And I want to support that as best I can. But I’m not really good at it, because creating, editing and posting a video like this has something to do with intelligence. And that’s where the problem begins, because my digital competence fluctuates between a dead spot and a highway embankment, which is doing me an injustice. DASH! I always have to ask my daughter. She knows all about it, because what used to be a good school certificate is now a good internet connection. DASH! Or I ask her friend. He’s studying IT in his twelfth semester. Twelve semesters … you have to imagine that. Apparently it takes six years to explain to me that the problem is not in the computer but in front of it.
PEN!
Yes, they are, the generation gaps. And there’s more. Who of you still knows Led Zeppelin? The rock legend of my youth. Until last week, my daughter thought LED Zeppelin was an illuminated airship, like a floating techno club! DASH! Although, I mustn’t lean too far out of the window. When I first heard the name Capital Bra, I also thought it was a best-selling bra from Victoria Secret. DASH! But not everyone can always know everything, right? Except maybe the WHO, who said: “We point out that the return to normality is only possible for those who were already normal before. After all, it is a pandemic and no miracle.” TUSCH!
The hat I throw in the ring is called life experience. Completely underestimated by many. Come on, finally something educationally valuable: a rooster is already old. The farmer therefore decides to bring a young rooster to the farm to take care of the chicks. The young rooster is placed in the enclosure. The old rooster walks up to him and says, “I know I don’t stand a chance against you in a fight. So let’s agree: I’ll let you have all the hens, but at least let me have my favorite hen.” “No,” replies the young rooster hot-headed, “if so, then I want all the hens, too.” The old rooster remains calm and makes one Suggestion: “Let’s have a race,” he says calmly. “If I win, you’ll let me have my favorite hen. If you win you can have them all. But since I’m quite old, please give me a head start.” The cockerel agrees. The old rooster runs off. Two seconds later the young rooster starts. When he almost caught up with the old rooster, there was a loud bang and the young rooster dropped dead. The farmer furiously reloads his shotgun and curses, “Shit, it’s the third gay rooster this week.”
PEN!
Please don’t get me wrong: I don’t care if and how often someone down there changes their area code. I want to say something else with that. I want to say: Everyone is good at something else, but we are only really good together. This applies in normal life as well as in times of a pandemic and also during carnival. DASH!
Whether real, virtual or editorial, whether in the brewery or as a file, et kütt like et kütt – so don’t boo, because the most important thing is: Yes, there simma is there … somehow …
In this sense from Hätze: Frankfurt Helau! DASH!
Anne Vogd is an FR7 columnist and a carnevalist by conviction
