Raise your hand who has not made a promise to his son knowing full well that he was not going to keep it!
Either because what we are promising is impossible to fulfill, because we said the promise in a moment of weakness or because that promise is the result of a disguised blackmail, there are many (too many!) Times that we promise something to children and then we do not comply .
But have you ever stopped to think about how false promises can affect your relationship with your child and the trust they have in you?
Why do we parents promise things that we then do not fulfill?
We are going to recreate a scene that surely more than one is familiar:
We are walking with our son down the street, when suddenly he sees his favorite doll in a store window. He throws himself against the glass and screaming begs us to buy it for him.
But we, despite having no intention of buying the doll from you, we promise that we will buy it for you later. Our son is satisfied and happy with our words, he stops yelling and shakes our hands again to continue the walk.
Why have we done that? Perhaps the most common reasons are these:
- For fear that if we say no, our son will burst into a tantrum in the middle of the street.
- Because we are in a hurry and we cannot stop to explain to you the reasons why we will not buy the doll from you.
- Because when our son asked us we were entertained with something else, so we answered without being aware of what we were saying.
- Because we believe that by telling you that you will be satisfied, but we trust that you will later forget it.
- Simply “to shut up, and stop bothering us.”
We can extrapolate this example of the doll to any other situation in which we are promising something to our child beforehand without being aware of the scope of our words , and knowing that what we are saying we are not going to fulfill, for one reason or another.
But although for us that promise is somewhat trivial, for the child it is sacred, since it comes from the mouths of the people he loves most in the world, whom he trusts the most and his main references.
This is how the child feels about the unfulfilled promises of their parents
When the child realizes that his parents are not going to keep the promise they have made, he will most likely feel sad, hurt and angry .
But in addition to sadness and disappointment, the child will feel tremendously disappointed or disappointed to discover that the people he trusts the most have betrayed him.
If, in addition, it is not the first time that something like this has happened (that is, we often promise things that we do not deliver), the disappointment will be greater and greater until it reaches a point where our credibility will be called into question (the typical phrase: ” I don’t believe you anymore! You always tell me the same thing and then you don’t comply “ ).
In the long run, all this ends up affecting in one way or another our relationship and that connection between parents and children for which we always advocate ends up being resentful.
And it is that if parents want our children to trust us, to ask us for help when they need it, not to lie to us and that our relationship is based on respect and trust, we must offer them the same in return.
But if we break these basic principles with lies and repeated unfulfilled promises , we will not only be promoting distancing with our children, but we will be setting a bad example when interacting with others, and may even normalize an attitude (that of promising things that are not fulfilled later) that should not be like that.
On the contrary, when we promise something that we keep, we are not only setting a wonderful example to our child about the importance and value of the word, but also enhancing his emotional development (he will feel happier, more confident and secure) and educating him to be a person of integrity.
This does not mean that we should say yes to everything that children ask of us for fear of disappointing them, but rather that it is about being aware of the value of promises and promising only what we are going to keep; both for the sake of our son, as well as for our own image and our relationship with them.
How should we act if we have already promised something that we are not going to keep
If you are reading this and you feel bad because you see yourself reflected in the text, the first thing you should do is get rid of that feeling of guilt. We all make mistakes at times , but the important thing is not to get stuck in that guilt and move forward to achieve a better version of ourselves every day.
So, if you have made a promise to your child that you are not going to keep and now you don’t know how to fix it, here are some tips that could help you deal with the situation :
1) Talk to your son and apologize
The first thing to do is talk to your child naturally and sincerely about what you promised, and apologize for not being able to keep it.
You can tell him that you are very sorry to have promised something that you cannot keep or that at that moment you did not think what you were saying and that later you have realized that it is an unattainable promise -for whatever reason-.
Make him see that you understand perfectly that he is angry with you because you would feel the same if you discovered that someone you trust has lied to you. But promise him that it will not happen again and that you will try to find an alternative solution.
2) Fix your mistake
Once you have apologized, try to repair your mistake . Remember that parents are the mirror in which our children look at themselves, so if we want them to learn to take responsibility for their mistakes and seek solutions, we must do the same.
Returning to the example of the doll, you can tell him that you are very sorry not to be able to spend that money to buy it, but in return it occurs to you that you can draw it together or try to do it in clay. Thus, in addition to having a fun time with the family, your child will realize that the most valuable thing is not the doll itself, but the playtime shared with mom and dad.
3) Explain that promises must always be kept
But just because you’ve made a mistake by promising something that you’re not going to keep doesn’t mean the same thing will happen from now on. So let your child see that promises are sacred and must always be kept.
Explain that you have learned from your mistake and that from now on what you promise you will fulfill because you commit to it, in the same way that you expect the same from others.
4) Do not promise things that you will not keep
That said, it is important that you also understand that you should not promise things that you know you will not keep .
In this sense, it is convenient that you do a reflection exercise to find out the reason why you promised something that you later did not fulfill. For example: Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’ to your child when the situation calls for it? Do you try to avoid frustration and that is why you always promise everything? Are you afraid that he will burst into a tantrum if you don’t give him what he asks for? Did you say it without being aware of what you were saying, because you were distracted and you weren’t paying proper attention to it? …
This exercise will not only help you avoid making the same mistake the next time, but it will also allow you to work to improve those aspects of parenting and education that you consider.
Photos | Cover photo of Tatiana Syrikova on Pexels, Pixabay, iStock
In Babies and More | Children’s lies are not bad, they are a sign of cognitive progress
