when they take on the roles of a sacrificial and perfect mother, forgetting about their own needs
We are familiar with the Peter Pan syndrome, which refers to those people who refuse to grow up, in reference to the eternal child created by Disney. But in the same story is Wendy, Peter Pan’s relational dependent who does not allow him to grow and mature. Well, you may not know that this type of personality also exists and receives the name of the character on whom it is based, to describe people who have the need to please others, constantly seeking acceptance with fear of rejection and abandonment, making difficult and transcending the own limits of unconditional love.
Luis Antón, psychologist and director of the Institute for Advanced Psychotherapies (IPSIA), explains what the so-called Wendy syndrome consists of, which affects above all women who take responsibility for others and who sometimes suffer from the syndrome of They have Peter Pan nearby to help them in their inability to solve problems. But what happens when the children arrive. The mother assumes the roles of a sacrificial caregiver.
They forget their own needs
It was the American psychologist Dan Kiley, who first used the terms Wendy and Peter Pan syndrome in 1983.
Luis Antón points out that in the constant search for happiness in the couple, the Wendy personality remains in that rescuing condition with her partner by feeling useful, wanted and necessary, thinking that love means self-denial, sacrifice and resignation , avoiding displeasing others and trying not to upset to maintain the approval of others, always taking care of the image they have before the rest.
It mainly affects mothers with their children (in some cases also fathers) or people with their partners , who have that need to please to seek acceptance, understanding love as sacrifice, and forgetting about one’s own needs.
The syndrome increases when you become a mother
The director of Ipsia explains that mothers usually take on most of the upbringing, spending most of the time with the child. In addition, social and cultural reinforcements are included that make one try to be a perfect mother, essential for the son and sacrificed for him.
“All of this is culturally reinforced and makes mothers feel self-conscious in their parenting choices, blaming themselves for what they don’t get , don’t do, or when they do something for their own benefit.”
Among the signs that can help us discover that someone close to us or ourselves suffers from it, are “feelings of sadness and fear of guilt, of not being a good mother or partner.” This is what Luis Antón points out, who adds that “at first they can be diffuse, but if we maintain the behaviors and we do not manage to negotiate our spaces and desires with the people around us, we end up feeling more and more sad”.
How to get over it in motherhood
Culturally we know what we “should” do as a woman or a man, as a mother, partner or father, what is “right” or “wrong” . Many times we do not realize why we feel sad or guilty if we have not hurt anyone, but our social heritage affects us all the time.
This is how the psychologist explains it, who adds that “although culture has served and serves to relate to us, it is necessary to understand what our feelings have that cultural content to try to vary it, because culture is dynamic, evolves, and the maternal role of a sacrificial mother and perfect, you must too. “
Wendy’s syndrome worsens when a woman who already suffers from it has children , since mothers continue to be the ones who spend the most time with their children. This is what Luis Antón points out, who believes that the solution to the problem should happen because parents assume the same responsibility, but this is not always the case. The situation is further aggravated if the couple is like Peter Pan and the woman assumes the role of a sacrificial woman. But it gives some clues to overcome it:
“Understanding that in the negotiation of most couples this occurs, and based on this premise, mothers could choose some moments of the week in which they can carry out activities that they like and give this time a very high importance Many postpartum women miss the vast majority of these reinforcing moments. “
What to do to avoid perpetuating this sacrificial attitude for our children
Growing up in a family where the mother assumes the role of Wendy, can lead her children to assume those same erroneous behaviors as true and necessary . Hence, the director of Ipsia, gives us a series of guidelines to avoid it during his childhood:
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We must try to make children independent, without overprotection or hypervigilance.
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Let them explore the world and encourage them to do it, meet other children, play, etc.
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Make it clear that they have the love and care when they need it.
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It is good to follow the interests of our children, promote autonomy, and have their own goals, although not all achieve them.
And it is precisely that one of the most common mistakes among these mothers is falling into the overprotection of children. Hence, the psychologist insists on the need to work with them, the need to gain space for oneself, while fostering the autonomy of children, letting them make mistakes and learn from their mistakes.
Luis Antón assures that “the greatest difficulty in a mother with Wendy’s syndrome is usually to understand that her children are going to let her down and they are not going to be as she wants them to be.”
“It is easy to see them as an extension of ourselves. Parents should try to recognize their own expectations about their children and manage to put them aside so that they do not interfere with the interests and objectives of the child. If they also get them to be sociable and fond of activities and interests of their own, they will have done the best job for the independence and well-being of their children. “
Mother Wendy must strive to let her children grow up and make mistakes, until they become responsible adults. If she succeeds, she will have overcome the syndrome and have been a good mother, which is what she is so obsessed with.
Photos | iStock
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