From the moment we become pregnant, mothers usually put the concept of “guilt” in our emotional backpack, as if guilt and motherhood were an inseparable pairing .
In this way we begin to take responsibility for everything that happens to our children (from their health, to their education, their happiness, their behavior …) sometimes in an unfair, disproportionate and harmful way for ourselves.
But although there is no doubt that parents are responsible for the upbringing and education of our children, we must learn to be compassionate with ourselves , because although we will make mistakes many times -like any human being-, we always act from unconditional love .
“It’s my fault, I’m a bad mother”
Guilt appears when we yell at our children, when we think we don’t spend enough time with them, when we can’t go to their end-of-year function because we have to work, when our child gets sick just the day we forgot his coat at home, when it falls to the ground for the first time …
I could continue giving examples without stopping, because the guilt that mothers feel is such a powerful feeling , that whatever our children do, whatever they are or whatever happens to them, we always end up blaming ourselves for it in a cruel way.
Because let’s not fool ourselves: the guilt of mothers is very annoying and the moment you open the door of your life a comfortable hole will be made and it will no longer go away. This guilt is here to stay, making us feel like “bad mothers” and forcing us to continually seek a way to compensate for that “blunder” that in our opinion we have had.
And, what mother falls her child off a swing? What mother does not realize that her baby has a fever before leaving him at daycare? What mother gives her child a chocolate muffin, knowing how unhealthy it is? What mother wants to have time for herself? Obviously a bad mother! And if we don’t feel that way, others will take care of making us feel it.
Away with blame! We all make mistakes
But this is not about good or bad mothers, or perfect or imperfect mothers. All the mothers that we educate and nurture with love are perfect, wonderful, and the best mothers our children can have.
Being a mother is complicated, we learn with our children and we all make mistakes at some point, just as we make mistakes in other parts of our lives. It is what the human being has, who is constantly wrong, and mothers are human beings!
But just as we teach our children to learn from their mistakes, we must also learn from ours without guilt, without remorse and without being scourged by what happened.
How to get rid of guilt?
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First of all, repeat yourself as if it were a mantra that not only are you human and you are wrong, but that no one teaches you to be a mother. That is why you make and will make mistakes many times; it is part of our learning as parents.
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Change your look on yourself and stop demanding yourself . Treat yourself with love, empathy, compassion, and respect.
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If there is a recurring theme that makes you feel guilty , ask yourself what is in your power to do to fix it? For example, if you think you yell at your kids a lot, get help not to; If you feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, analyze what you can do to organize yourself better and save time in your day to day …
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We all get confused at any given moment, we make mistakes due to lack of information or lose our nerves, but this is very different from intentionally causing physical or emotional harm to a child. For this reason, it is recommended that you realize this yourself by asking yourself: whatever happened, “Has he had a deliberate and conscious attitude on my part?”
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When you make a mistake with your child, talk to him, apologize for your mistakes and start from scratch with an eye toward improving for the future.
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Trade blame for responsibility . Responsibility implies learning and action. On the contrary, guilt falls like a slab, generates anguish, discomfort, lowers our self-esteem and prevents us from moving forward.
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If you talk to other mothers about this feeling, you will realize that you are not alone, because we all feel that way at any given moment. This can help you to relativize and put into practice the advice that we have given you, but if you still feel that the situation is over you and we do not know how to manage it, seek professional help.
Photos | iStock
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