In recent decades the concept of family has changed significantly. Gone are the times when the family was always (or at least in most cases) made up of mom, dad and children, to give way to new family structures, and with them, to new parenting dynamics.
There are many reasons why one of the parents may be absent in the lives of children; by personal decisions, conflictive divorces, death of one of the parents, etc.
In this article we want to focus on the following situation: when the father is absent most of the time, he does not take care of the child and hardly sees him, when he has no contact, or very little. That is, his figure exists, but it is intermittent, or he does not take responsibility for what he should, etc.
We know that this fact, this absence, directly affects the development and self-esteem of children . But how does he do it? How can we accompany our children in such a situation?
Growing up with an absent father: this affects the development and self-esteem of children
Health, development and self-esteem
Growing up without a father present affects the comprehensive health and development of the little ones, who, not having a father figure as a reference, often feel a great emotional emptiness that often makes them have mixed feelings, such as sadness and anger .
This impact is also transferred to self-esteem, which can fluctuate or drop, due to the lack of reinforcement by the father, for example.
The child may feel little recognized by his father, little validated, or even have a tremendous sense of abandonment. They may wonder, “Does my father love me?” “Why does he never come to see me?” .
And this impacts even more if we do not explain the situation well to them, or if they have doubts that we do not resolve; That is why it is so important to anticipate things well, not hide anything from them and adapt to their age and what they need to know (also avoid saturating them with information).
Children can be happy with an absent father, but it affects them
But, beware, what we say does not mean that children who grow up without a father figure cannot be happy and enjoy good physical and emotional health, far from it.
Rather, what we are referring to here is that this fact has an impact, especially if the father does not take care of the child but does appear intermittently, which can cause even more confusion and pain in the child, which is question, why is it sometimes there and sometimes not? When can I count on him? It is difficult to know, since it is unpredictable.
On the other hand, when the father has never been, things change, since the child has never had those memories with his father, that presence. Therefore, although there may be a feeling of emptiness , there is not so much confusion.
Growing up with an absent father: emotional consequences
When this absence of a father figure has an impact, the main problem is reflected in the mental and emotional health of children, who usually present some behaviors that indicate that they do not feel well.
Children often do not know what they feel and therefore, it is difficult for them to put it into words so that we understand them.
However, this can be made evident through difficulties relating to other people, including other children, problems trusting others, or, otherwise, tendencies to create highly dependent relationships for fear of being abandoned.
The self-esteem of these children may also be low, so it is necessary to focus on increasing it. Similarly, it is necessary to give children a safe space so that they can talk about their absent father, being very careful not to idealize or demean him.
Irritability as a sign
Many children with absent fathers exhibit somewhat hostile behavior (mostly episodic). They are children who show a tendency to be irritable, and can even be violent with others on some occasions.
However, it is necessary to understand that it is not that they are bad children, or with a bad character; behind there is only an injured child who does not know how to ask for help . We adults are usually sad when something hurts us; children, on the other hand, are often irritable in the face of pain, because it is “easier” for them to show it that way.
And what we explain does not mean that we should allow children to be rude; it is just a matter of leaving clear rules that can be flexible to a certain extent, always understanding and giving space to their pain.
Can another person cover the absence of that father figure?
The truth is that no one replaces anyone, ever, least of all a father. Because people are not replaceable. However, there may be significant people in our child’s life who play a role similar to that of a father, such as a friend of ours (or our new partner), an uncle, a stepfather, a brother… Or at least less, that they exercise a caretaker role.
Thus, it can be beneficial for the child that there is another parental reference so that he does not feel that emptiness, but not so much as something that must be “covered”, but rather as something beneficial for his development.
However, it is also important for children to be clear that these figures are not their father (unless we are talking about a stepfather, since the situation changes a bit).
How do I help my child grow up with an absent father?
If you find yourself in the situation of raising your child alone, or with the figure of the intermittent father, who sometimes takes responsibility and sometimes not, it is important that you listen and protect your child, that you put yourself in his place.
Living this situation is not easy, neither for him nor for you. Perhaps it can help you to take these recommendations into account, both for you and for him or her:
- seek psychological help
Although you feel that your child is fine, do not underestimate his mental and emotional health. Therapeutic accompaniment is essential to learn to live with absence. This is not only for your children, but also for you. However, this help is not always needed; look for it when you need it.
- Lean on the family
Look for the support of your closest relatives, your friends, so that they help you in parenting and are an active part of your child’s life. This does not mean that they should be responsible for him, only that they are present in his life.
Your child needs attachment figures and establish healthy bonds, like all children.
- Be patient
Coping with absence is a complex matter, and children can act impulsively with anger, sadness, pain, etc. Therefore, you need to understand that it is not easy for him; be patient with your son and be patient with yourself, you are doing well .
- Quality time
Try, as much as possible, to have some time a day to share with your child. Look for quality moments with him, even if they are brief. It may be breakfast time, before going to sleep…
- Don’t speak ill of the absent father
It’s normal to feel frustrated at times and want the whole world to be upset with whoever left. And it is normal that you feel a sense of injustice and anger when you see your son waiting for his father who does not appear, or saddened by promises that he never kept.
But try to remain neutral and calm when you talk about the father in front of your child, since, depending on how, you can unconsciously cause more damage and confusion to your child.
Avoid speaking ill of him ; this does not mean that you have to skip everything. But select the words well, what you tell him and what you don’t (also depending on his age and maturity).
“No one can escape the father-son relationship. We are all someone’s children, even if some of them refuse to be parents”.
-Manuel Vázquez Montalban-
- avoid comparisons
Don’t compare yourself to other families. This is only going to hurt you and your child. When your child questions certain things (which is normal for him to do), explain with love that not all families are the same.
- make yourself available
Always remind him how much you love him. That you will always be there for him. Your child needs a secure attachment figure, who is there for him, regardless of what happens outside, and above all, who is not intermittent.
“The best legacy of a father to his children is a little of his time each day.”
-Battist-
The absent father: an undeniable impact on children
As we have seen, and by way of final reflection, children who grow up with an absent father, or rather, intermittent, who do not take responsibility for them and who only appear sporadically or randomly , can become emotionally destabilized.
Children need safe places to go, and those places, especially in childhood, we are their attachment figures, their reference figures. These figures should ideally have a solid base, although this is not always the case.
Impact on attachment and relationships
And this impacts the attachment that children develop, in that “first bond”, and in the way they will bond with others when they are older. That is why it is important to take care of that attachment.
Protecting children: our duty
We must protect them and put limits on the father when necessary, explain things well to them and emphasize that nothing that happens is their fault (because they can also express this feeling).
And make them feel safe and loved above all else , regardless of some adults in their lives who, unfortunately, sometimes do not always do things with their well-being in mind.
Photos | Cover (Freepik)
