We have all experienced guilt at some point in life, but did you know that this feeling is learned? No one is born knowing what it is to feel guilty; It is something that is learned over time and with the social interactions that take place.
As the conception of morality develops, we begin to understand what it is to feel guilty. This is greatly influenced by the education received and the parenting style.
For children, experiencing guilt can become very overwhelming, not knowing what to do with that unpleasant feeling that generates so much discomfort.
But what else do we know about guilt? What are its consequences in childhood and how can we accompany our children in their proper management ?
“Guilt is one of the most negative feelings that human beings can have and, at the same time, one of the most used ways to manipulate others.”
-Bernardo Stamateas-
What is guilt?
Guilt is a learned emotion (we are not born with it), of a social and moral nature, that generates a feeling of uneasiness and unpleasant emotional distress after doing something that is known to be wrong.
“A person who feels guilty becomes his own executioner.”
-Séneca-
In the case of children, the impact of guilt is very strong due to their noble nature, and it can cause a lot of emotional damage.
Guilt vs. responsibility
Feeling guilty is not the same as being responsible, and that children feel guilty does not mean that they are guilty of anything; This is something that we must be very clear about, in addition to being able to explain it clearly to children.
It is important to take responsibility for what we do and say, but it is not okay to feel guilty all the time about it. Responsibility implies assuming the consequences of our actions.
It can make you feel bad about your actions or behaviors, but precisely that feeling is what produces a self-evaluation of what happened and the subsequent search for improvements.
Responsibility focuses on the present and the future. Instead, guilt is an attitude towards what we feel and think about how we act in a certain situation, which generally carries unpleasant feelings.
“The feeling of guilt prevents us from seeing things clearly.”
-Doris May Lessing-
This leads us to devalue ourselves as people and rate ourselves negatively. Guilt anchors thoughts towards the past , towards what was done or not being done and what could have been different, generating great emotional distress.
Different types of guilt
Also, keep in mind that there are different types of guilt; a “positive” guilt, which is healthy and adaptive and that appears when the actions carried out have caused harm to third parties.
Another is maladaptive guilt, which occurs when there has really been no harm, only the feeling of having caused it.
Educate in responsibility and not in guilt
That is why it is very important that children know that if they have made mistakes, they should take responsibility for it, but that they should not always feel guilt, as this turns out to be very harmful to self-perception.
In this sense, it is necessary to help them take actions to improve and learn from what they have experienced.
“Regret, which is guilt without neurosis, allows us to move forward instead of going back.”
-Jane Adams-
Consequences of guilt in children
Guilt generates negative consequences for all people. However, in the case of children this impact can be much greater. It may happen that the child:
- Be very emotionally upset by what happened.
- Withdraw and find it difficult to interact with other people or have pleasant experiences.
- Feel inferior to others . Constant guilt can negatively affect self-esteem.
- Feel unable to do things right.
- Think about what happened over and over again.
- Be more vulnerable and easily manipulated through the use of blame by third parties.
In addition to this, in some cases guilt can even cause physical symptoms due to the somatization of negative emotions that the child does not know or cannot express.
Right there lies the importance of creating an open space for children to feel confident that they can talk about their emotions and thoughts.
If you feel overwhelmed by the situation and do not know how to do it, you can request the professional help of a psychologist.
Addressing Guilt With Children
When talking to children about guilt, it is important to do it from love, and make them feel safe to talk to you. Speaking in simple and easy-to-understand words is essential for them to understand you.
But more important than talking is listening. Invite him to talk about what he’s feeling – don’t take anything for granted. Provide a safe space for her to express her emotions without fear of being judged or reprimanded.
“Every day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
-Charles R. Swindoll-
Allow him to express himself and then discuss the consequences of his actions.
It is important to deal with this issue without threats of any kind and very naturally . Children are very intelligent and understand well what is said to them clearly and lovingly. Don’t underestimate them.
Aspects to consider
Keep in mind that your behaviors serve as an example to your child. Be consistent with what you do and say and assume your responsibilities. This will help you to become aware of your own responsibility .
Fostering responsibility is important, but so is helping them forgive themselves for what happened; And above all, remind them that you will always love them and that what happened will not change that.
“You forgive yourself while you love yourself.”
-François de La Rochefoucauld-
If you find it difficult to discuss this with your children, you can ask for professional help; The figure of the psychologist can help you understand your emotions and those of your children, as well as speak about them in an assertive way.
“By loving our children for more than their abilities, they are shown that to us they are much more than the sum of their accomplishments.”
-Eileen Kennedy Moore-
Photos | Cover (pexels), Image 1 (pexels), Image 2 (pexels)
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