The coronavirus pandemic and the state of alarm have given us more time to live with our children. Hours to play, laugh and learn, but also more hours in which conflicts have arisen between them, fights and situations that wear down the relationships between parents and children, and between the brothers themselves.
And, one of those emotions, without a doubt, is jealousy. This is assured by the social-family educator and parenting expert with respect, Tania GarcÃa. In his latest book “Brothers” , he offers the fundamental tools for parents to help educate the relationship between children without yelling or fighting and giving each of them what they need.
We talk to her and she gives us the keys to help our children develop a healthy bond with each other, learning to handle jealousy.
Brothers: How to educate the relationship between your children (Practical book)
Parenting with respect is essential in the education of children
This mother of two children is blunt in assuring that “not respecting children is violating not only the fundamental rights of childhood, but also those that any human being should have by the mere fact of being human.” He adds that “only by educating with respect can we aspire to a more just society”:
” Real Education based on respect, empathy, scientific evidence, Emotional Accompaniment and logic; it is the only possible way to get children to grow up emotionally healthy and therefore achieve a life with balance in all senses”.
In the specific case of siblings, Tania GarcÃa explains that respect is the only possible way, and that “we must take responsibility for our role as parents in their relationship, and realize that it depends on us.”
And it is that siblings are one of the most important people we have in our lives. Their relationship during childhood is their first interaction with the social world, since they have to learn to live with someone new and adapt to it, respecting their tastes and needs.
We should always avoid labeling our children
They are, the expert points out, two of the main causes of conflicts between siblings that could be completely avoided with adequate support.
“Labeling siblings by ‘the good’, ‘the clever’, ‘the bad’ … Or simply by the order of birth, is something that creates a burden on them. This weight is carried for life, since after all, our childhood is the stage that sustains our entire lives and that will mark us how we are in the future. “
And he gives concrete examples that explain to what extent we label our children, even without being aware that we are doing it:
“It is quite common that in the family a brother receives the label of ‘older brother’ and another one of ‘little brother’. In this case, although we do not know any of them, we are already assuming a behavior to both , truth?”.
And he delves into those labels that we take for granted, such as that “the oldest should be the one who takes care of the little one, the one who stays strong and even the one who does ‘grown-up’ things, without being able to express himself as he needs emotionally.” A serious mistake not only for them, but also for the parents themselves who, by granting this label, assume that an older brother has a maturity that perhaps he has not reached “.
And, as Tania explains, there is a first brother, a second and a third: “Associating labels with a person, even before their birth, already conditions them and even more so when those who do it are their parents.” Calling them by name is the first step to improve their upbringing and, therefore, the bond between the siblings.
Comparisons must be discarded to improve the bond between siblings
The educator is also blunt on this point, assuring that we do not have to buy from any of our children or with their brother or with anyone: “we must understand and respect the uniqueness of a person and the uniqueness of each personality.”
He explains the importance of giving each child what he needs for his correct development, something that he considers logical, taking into account that “not even two twins are identical”.
“Each human being has a different personality and needs and, when we decide to be parents, we must assume that we are going to have to give unique attention to each of our children.”
Understand that jealousy is completely natural
All parents understand how difficult it is to deal with these types of situations. Tania explains that parents have to understand that jealousy between siblings, no matter how much it hurts, does not resemble what adults feel and that this does not imply at all that one brother hates another or has a problem with him :
“They only behave like this to claim the attention and love of their parents, since they really think that their brother has something that he needs and, they may think that the affection or care towards him has diminished.”
He assures that the first thing we have to do as parents is to begin by understanding that “jealousy is completely natural, the result of the emotional complexity of the human being .” “The jealousy our children feel is about an atrocious fear of losing ourselves, of not having what they need to survive .”
“Jealousy in children is always treated as something to put aside, to repudiate, to repress, when as with any other emotion this is not possible and it only leads to that feeling going more and more inside” .
And it leaves us a key to parents to handle the issue when it appears: “what they should never do when their children feel jealous is to leave them alone, punish them, repress them, yell at them or get angry with them for the simple fact of feeling them”.
“Really understanding what our children are feeling when they feel jealous is one of the greatest lessons that parents can have, since in this way we will understand that what our children need is not to punish them, repress them, yell at them or get angry, laugh at them or catalog them of bad; but quite the opposite “.
For this reason, this family educator invites parents to work on their own emotions. He admits that it is easy to get nervous in these circumstances, so sometimes we act just the opposite of how we should:
“We must recognize what we are feeling and why, and be guided by common sense and respect, regardless of the children’s motives.”
In summary, these are the keys to how parents should act when faced with the jealousy of our children:
- Always pay attention
- Dedicate exclusive time to them
- Allow them to express their emotions
- Investigate how they are emotionally
- Always listen, even if we cannot attend them
- Connect and empathize with what they feel
- Give them lots of hugs, kisses and affection
- Help them find solutions
- Explain that we love them, even though we can’t give them what they want
- Teach them to express their emotions without harming others
- Explain what happens to them without labeling
- Understand the emotions of parents in these situations
- Have patience
In fights between siblings, you have to intervene, not position yourself
He admits that, as with the issue of jealousy, it is difficult to give an answer in a few words to his fights, but “above all the basis is in respect and not positioning”. He incides by explaining that many parents ask him if they should intervene in conflicts between their children. And she answers firmly, that we must always do it: “It is a mistake to think that ‘they are children’s things’, because it is not like that.”
” We must intervene in their fights respecting, empathizing, understanding, accompanying them emotionally , using common sense, treating them with love, with guidance and giving a good example of emotional balance, without losing our nerves, and respecting both their emotional part and their physical part. “.
He insists again on the importance of discarding comparisons and practicing the intervention according to their brain needs: “We cannot put them aside, mistakenly thinking that as children they will get along.”
This is done by adapting a place for each one, because each one of our children is unique and special and needs their own space , even if it is a small corner in their bedroom if they share, but that it is only theirs.
He ends by saying that “non-positioning and emotional neutrality is what will give us the key to this optimal intervention” , and encourages us to read his new book “Brothers”, to understand more about these complex issues.
Photos | iStock
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