Being a mother can be an experience as wonderful as it is challenging at the same time. And it is that there are many factors that influence , as well as significant changes within the dynamics of life that for some people can become very overwhelming.
Surely you understand what we are talking about, and it is possible that you remember many of these experiences from the first time you were a mother. And perhaps, you are questioning whether or not to return to face motherhood. How do I know if I want to be a mother again? Or even if I want to be a mother for the first time?
Although it is a very intimate and personal decision , which can only be made by you (together with your partner, if you have one), here we reflect on some questions that you can ask yourself or take into account and that may shed a little light and clarity.
“Mother is a verb. It’s something you do, not something you are.”
-Dorothy Canfield Fisher-
Do not wait for the perfect moment
It is quite common for people to question the ideal time to have children; It does not matter if it is the first or if they already have several, and this is a false belief that can often play tricks on us.
Many couples, or even those who want to be single mothers, wait for the arrival of an “ideal” moment to have children , thinking that, one way or another, they will know, but the truth is that this rarely happens.
Sometimes, when we consider having another child, doubts begin to invade us about what is the best time to have another baby and we begin to think about our child or children, and we want to believe that there will be a perfect time for the arrival of a new little brother.
The truth is that motherhood is a challenge, and we cannot be certain of anything. However, this is not to be frightened, because it is a wonderful challenge, which helps us get the best out of ourselves and realize that love is not divided by the number of children we have , but multiplies with the arrival of each one of them.
“Making the decision to have a child is momentary. It’s deciding whether to have your heart walking outside your body forever.”
-Elizabeth Stone-
A considered decision
With all this we do not mean that you do not meditate on this important decision ; In addition, logically there are factors to take into account (for example, economic factors, logistics, the couple, desire…), which cannot be ignored.
But we do invite you to reflect on this; When we talk about the “perfect” moment, what do we mean? Does this moment really exist?
I don’t know if I want to be a mother again: keys to find out
If the idea of having another baby is floating around in your head but you can’t decide, there are some questions that can help you determine more clearly if it is something you want or not. We suggest some.
Do I like being a mother?
It may be a very obvious question, but we assume its answer and rarely stop to think about it. Ask yourself if you like motherhood and if you can imagine taking care of one more child, with all that this implies.
Remember that parenting is not just about offering food, home, studies, etc., but also requires your presence and support on an emotional level , not only for your new baby, but also for your other children. And never forget that you must also be and have time for yourself.
“Biology is the smallest thing that makes someone a mother.”
-Oprah Winfrey-
Being a mother: why do I want to and why not?
One of the simplest ways to make ourselves aware of what we think, feel and want is to write it down. Make a list of reasons why you would like to be a mother again, make it as detailed as possible.
At the same time, make another list of reasons why you don’t feel comfortable with the idea. Take your time to do this exercise , it is not a list made in a hurry, this can take several days. As you think of reasons, you write them down.
Once you feel like you’ve got it all figured out, sit back calmly and read through the list. Analyze the pros and cons, not as a “sum”, but as a reflection.
Be aware of everything you have written, visualize yourself in those situations . However, it is important that you take into account the weight and value of each of them.
Do I have the necessary conditions to be a mother again?
Although having a child is a beautiful reason for joy and celebration of love for many, it is important to have your feet on the ground when making this decision. And it is that having a baby is a serious matter that requires great commitment.
It is important that you ask yourself if you have the necessary resources to be able to raise your son and give him a happy life together with his siblings . In this sense, we are not only talking about the economic part, which is also something that you must evaluate, whether or not you can face more expenses.
We also refer to having the emotional conditions to make you responsible for raising and educating another child. Also to your state of health , both physical and mental, and whether or not you are in a position to do it.
And with all this, we are not talking so much about the “perfect” moment that we mentioned at the beginning, but about the real (and minimal) possibilities to take care of a new child.
I really want it?
Many women are pressured by society, their relatives and even their own partners to have a child, this becoming the reason why they become mothers (or want to become them). But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s what you really want.
If you are feeling pressured by third parties to be a mother again, it is important that you talk about it and explain that this pressure does not help you at all. In some cases this may work.
But if, on the contrary, this does not stop or even if you feel that it is not something that you can talk about with them, we recommend you seek help from a professional, who can guide you in relation to your particular case.
With a good psychologist you can begin to question all these ideas (or ideals) that you have about motherhood, where they come from, if you are trying to “meet” what is expected of you on an individual and social level (the mandates of society pro-natalist in which we live), etc. Start questioning your ingrained thoughts.
“Not everyone with a uterus has to have a child, just as not everyone with vocal cords has to be an opera singer.”
-Hey Steinem-
A personal decision (and as a couple): whatever it is, it will be fine
Regardless of your decision, whether or not you want to face motherhood again, you should always keep in mind that this does not make you a better or worse person, or a better or worse mother, of course.
The decision to have a child must be something felt, desired, not imposed by other people or by social pressures. It is therefore a work of introspection that requires time , love and compassion towards oneself, and that is necessary to determine if we can and want to have another child.
And of course, it is also a decision that is up to your partner , if you have one, so you must assess and decide together whether or not you want to continue increasing the family. That is why all the advice in this post also applies to the couple.
If you have many doubts, we encourage you to write them down, share them, or if this topic interferes too much in your day to day life, to contact a therapist; this can be of great help to you. You are not alone!
“I want to have children when there is nothing else I want more and I can make them my world.”
-Sarah Silverman-
Photos | cover (freepik)
