We have spoken on many occasions about the importance of promoting autonomy in our children from an early age, because with this we not only prepare them for life, but we are also contributing to the development of a healthy self-esteem.
However, parents are not always aware of how important it is to enhance this ability, and we often make the mistake of doing things for them , either because the rush consumes us or because we believe that they will not be able to do it by themselves. .
But not promoting their autonomy brings negative consequences for the child himself and also for the family climate, and they often reveal themselves in adolescence.
“Do you think you live in a hotel?”
Messy wardrobe, unmade bed, desk full of papers and books, dirty clothes thrown on the floor, teenager who does not leave his room except at the right time for lunch…
These scenes often provoke the indignation and anger of parents , who often helplessly ask their children the question “do you think you live in a hotel?” . Faced with this type of sarcastic questions, adolescents respond with anger , resentment and frustration, entering into a loop of fights and discussions that end up affecting the family atmosphere.
And it is that living at home with people who do not collaborate , do not integrate and follow a different rhythm than the rest of the family can put us all on the verge of nerves.
These types of situations are not always easy to reverse , as many parents confess that they do not have the tools, capacity or patience to face them. Also, as a result of the helplessness that comes from feeling that our teenager is “challenging” us, it is easy to succumb to yelling, punishment and mutual disrespect.
So, how can we parents act in this situation? We share some keys that can help:
1) Promote the autonomy of your children from an early age
We said it at the beginning of the article: promoting the autonomy of our children from a young age is essential, not only because it will help us avoid this type of situation in the future, but also because feeling capable of doing things for themselves contributes to development of healthy self-esteem.
In this way, children who grow up collaborating in household chores acquire essential skills for adult life, gain self-confidence, explore their abilities and enjoy feeling ‘useful’ in their family.
- Advice: you can’t expect your teenage son to make the bed and tidy his room from one day to the next, when as a child you never taught him to do it. So, trust your child, teach him and make him see how important and valuable his contribution is.
2) Put aside your prejudices about adolescence
Adolescence is a stage full of changes and challenges for everyone . In the first place for the adolescent himself, who is going through a transformative stage in which he begins to define his identity. And secondly for his parents, who must learn to accompany him in a new and different way, standing behind him to help him take off.
Perhaps for all this, adolescence is so scary for parents , and we end up falling into labels and prejudices that we ourselves impose with the aim of trying to understand many of the situations that arise.
- Tip: To connect with your teenager and their needs, you need to put aside the prejudices and labels surrounding this stage of life, and look and listen to them the same way you did when you were a child.
3) Connect with their needs
Parents should listen to our children, be interested in what they tell us and how they think and feel. However, we often go through life with the “automatic pilot” on, and engulfed by the vortex of day to day we end up making decisions for them, doing things for them or raising and educating in an unconscious way.
As we reach adolescence, this loss of connection leads us to fall into the loop of power struggles and mutual disrespect . As parents we feel hurt because our children don’t listen to us ( “I’ve told him a thousand times to come to dinner, and he doesn’t listen to me !” ), they don’t obey us ( “how can I tell you to tidy up your bedroom? once?!” ), they don’t contribute (” do you think that clothes have little legs and go to the washing machine by themselves?” )… forgetting the feelings that it provokes in them as well.
- Tip: Find out what’s behind your teen’s behavior; shows interest in wanting to know their attitudes better; listen to him with your heart, without judgments or preconceived ideas; understand that your child needs to have his own space and set his own limits in it, but help him to do it with respect for all parties.
4) The art of negotiation
For coexistence to be peaceful and respectful, it is necessary that all members adapt to family rules and participate actively and voluntarily in the functioning of the home. For this, it is essential to negotiate, agree and establish agreements between all the members of the family (the rules are better accepted when one has participated in their elaboration).
- Advice : family discussions or meetings are an excellent tool for reaching consensus and establishing limits that take into account both the individual needs of the adolescent and the collective needs of the entire family.
5) Let him make his own decisions
Since our children are young, it is very good and recommended that they be able to make small decisions, as this helps them to assume responsibilities, face challenges and prepare for future independence.
- Tip : Respect your teen’s space and need for independence, and don’t try to control any aspect of their life. Your son still needs you as much or more than before, but you must know how to stand behind him so that he can take off. Trust in him, in his decision-making capacity and in the education you have given him.
6) Positive and respectful communication
And finally, we cannot forget the importance of positive and respectful communication with children . And it is that the way we have to communicate with them will not only influence their psychological development, but also our relationship and, therefore, family life.
Thus, children who receive positive comments, who are treated with respect and love, and who dialogue in an open and trusting environment will develop a stronger and healthier self-esteem than those who receive criticism, shouting or do not have the attention of their reference adults.
- Advice : When we reach adolescence, we can include touches of humor in our conversations with our children, since it has been shown that well-applied humor helps reduce tensions, bring positions closer together and facilitate understanding.
