When it comes to thinking about a future as a family, many couples wonder what the ideal number of children is. Although many agree that two is the perfect number, that the traditional “typical family” is the most balanced, the truth is that there is no answer that works equally for all families.
Without a doubt, in addition to many other variables, something we think about is the stress that we are willing to endure as parents. It is logical to think that the greater the number of children, the greater the stress level, however, this is not so, at least in the case of mothers. A survey of more than 7,000 American mothers revealed that mothers with three children are stressed mothers , even more than those with four or more children. Is this theory true? What is it based on? Are you agree?
From couple to large family
When the first baby arrives, our lifestyle changes completely. When we became parents, we stopped doing some of the things that we did as a couple and began to live a new life as first-time parents, with all the stress and worries that this entails.
When we are more or less comfortable in our new role as parents and we decide to go for the second, the matter becomes complicated. A new baby arrives, the tasks are duplicated and so are the headaches. Now you have to take care of two little ones at the same time, each with their own needs, and of course the stress level increases.
Two hands for three children
Although the landscape changes, the transition from one to two children is more manageable . With one mom and dad took care of one and now each is dedicated to one of the children. Being two, with two children to take care of, everything is more balanced.
But if we also decide to become a large family and go for the third (which some consider an act of courage), and everything is out of square . Because although love multiplies with each child, there are still two hands, Mom and Dad are still two, but now there are three children to take care of. Not to mention that monetary concerns also grow and it becomes more difficult to reconcile the demands of work and home.
At least in my case, my life got quite upset with the arrival of the third. With two older girls in a row (two years apart), when I began to see the light and began to sleep one night at a stretch, the little girl came to turn upside down the relative tranquility that we had achieved.
However, it cannot be generalized because each family is different . There are mothers who feel more overwhelmed with the arrival of the second than with the third, seeing that with one they had everything under control and suddenly everything doubled. And the age difference between the children also has a lot to do with it. If they are very close, it is usually more chaotic than if they take several years.
The tri-mothers, the most stressed
The numerous surveys are quite representative of what happens at a general level in society. A 2013 Today survey of more than 7,000 American mothers indicates that the number of children is not directly related to increased stress.
By asking participating mothers to rate their stress levels on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most stressed and 1 being the least), they found that the “average” mother rated her stress level around 8.5 . Mothers of three were at the highest levels, but interestingly, mothers with four or more children averaged much lower levels.
The main reason for stress, for 60 percent of mothers, is the lack of time to do all the tasks that they must carry out. Covering so many fronts, added to the emotional stress and pressure that we sometimes impose on ourselves, makes us feel that we can no longer go through really tough stages.
With four children, less stress than with three
How can having four children be less stressful than having three? There are various theories. One of them is that although there are tasks that multiply proportionally by the number of children such as laundry or shopping, mothers of large families agree that the greater the number of children also increases individual autonomy , which contributes to lighten the load at home.
Mothers of four or more children are also believed to gain greater confidence in their maternal abilities, let more of everything flow, and become less stressed when they see that they cannot get to everything.
Some tips for stressed mothers
Stress is part of being a mother and although we cannot completely avoid it there are at least some tips that we can put into practice to alleviate it:
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Learn to relativize problems and urgencies: not everything is important or urgent. Give it the importance that each thing deserves at the time.
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Encourage the autonomy of our children : whether or not you are a large family that children are autonomous not only helps to alleviate the burden of some tasks, but also favors the development of their personality. From a minimal gesture such as brushing your teeth alone to tasks of greater responsibility such as setting the table or putting your clothes to be washed, always according to your age and maturity. It all adds up.
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Get organized : schedule all the events and write down all the pending tasks, make plans and establish priorities. Organization is key to ordering the mental load that mothers carry on their backs. Putting the tasks black on white (either with paper and pencil, in the notes on the mobile or on a piece of paper on the refrigerator) helps to remove them from the mind, visualize them and be able to cross them out once finished. (This helps me a lot)
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Lighten the pressure that we impose on ourselves : nothing happens if you haven’t done a manicure, you have some gray hair, you haven’t washed your car or your house isn’t spotless. The extreme demand only increases our stress level and ends up frustrating us when we see that we do not get to everything.
As children grow, whether we choose to have two or nine children, the key is to organize and prioritize with real expectations.
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