Surely on more than one occasion we have told our children phrases like “you’re making me nervous!” , “You make me mad!” , ” You’re wearing my patience!” , “You make me very sad when you do that” … But the truth is that the only ones responsible for our emotional state are ourselves, and it is not fair to blame others for how we feel.
Therefore, and although it is understandable that at a given moment we can lose our nerves and the tension makes us say these kinds of things, it is essential to do an exercise of reflection and take responsibility for our own emotions , as it is the basis of a positive relationship and respectful of our children.
Why We Shouldn’t Hold Our Children Responsible For Our Own Emotions
Faced with a situation that overwhelms us, it is very easy to fall into the error of blaming others for it . But not taking charge of our own emotions has serious consequences, especially if we shed responsibility for how we feel on our children.
On the one hand, we are delegating our emotional state to others . That is, we feel nervous, sad, angry, irritated … because “others make us feel this way” and “we can’t do anything to avoid it”. However, this thought makes us passive individuals and at the mercy of others , since to feel good we need others to change their way of acting or thinking, as if we were not in control of our own emotions.
But let’s reflect: is this how we really want to feel? Do we want to be emotional slaves to the actions and thoughts of others? And above all, is that the example we want to set for our children?
On the other hand, if we hold our child responsible for our emotional state, we are giving him the power to manage our emotions as he wants , in addition to making him feel bad by pouring the blame on him for how we feel. All this will affect your own emotional management, and you will grow up taking responsibility for the feelings of those around you, with the great burden that this implies.
And it is that the child who grows up in a home in which adults are not capable of taking responsibility and managing their own emotions, will not have references to learn to correctly develop their emotional and cognitive intelligence, and all this will end up having an impact on their happiness and on how to deal with problems in your adult life.
A practical example
To better understand the situation and analyze how we can cope with it , we are going to give a practical, simple and everyday example that is probably very familiar to us in these moments that we are living.
We are telecommuting at home while our son runs around and plays around. Our anxiety level begins to grow, as we have to deliver an important report in less than two hours and we cannot focus more than five minutes on the task. So suddenly we explode, and in a bad way we tell him to “be still because it does not allow us to concentrate”, “it makes us nervous” and “because of him we are doing things wrong or we have made mistakes”.
It is logical and human to feel like this in the face of the pressure derived from this difficult situation, but if we stop to reflect we will realize that it is unfair to blame a child , who plays oblivious to the concerns of adults, our emotional state and children. mistakes we are making.
Seven keys that can help you manage the situation
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First of all, don’t blame yourself if the scene looks familiar to you. We can all explode at any given moment and say things without thinking about the consequences, but taking the “whip of blame” is not going to help us . So let’s focus on how we can improve in the future.
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Second, if you feel that you are going to explode, take a deep breath and use tools that help you calm down, because only from calm can you dialogue in a respectful and positive way , and seek solutions to the situation you are experiencing.
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Take responsibility for your own emotions , being aware of them, accepting them and learning to manage them. It is not an easy exercise, but taking responsibility for what you feel is essential to achieve your own well-being.
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Put yourself in your child’s shoes and be aware that they are not doing things to annoy, irritate or sadden you. He is just a child doing childish things (playing, jumping, laughing …), and his attitudes and behaviors are completely independent of you. This exercise will allow you to separate the thoughts and actions of others from your own emotions.
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Analyze what is in your power to do to feel better emotionally . Returning to the previous example, consider aspects such as: “Can I work at another time when there is more silence at home?”, “Is it possible to postpone that task that requires my maximum concentration for another time?” …
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Communicate to your children how you feel, but by changing your language . Thus, instead of blaming them for your nervousness, address them in a respectful way and ask for their collaboration to resolve the situation: “I am nervous because to concentrate on the task I need silence” (you are expressing what is the trigger for your emotional state ) “Can you think of how you can help me achieve it?” (If they are smaller, we will offer ourselves several alternatives that require their concentration and silence so that they can choose the one they like best)
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But even if we have controlled this specific situation, it is important to reflect on how we usually feel and what our reactions are to certain emotions . So, if we lose our temper frequently, get angry often or burst out blaming others for how we feel, it is necessary to find out what may be the cause of our emotional state, and even seek professional help if we need it.
Photos | iStock
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