My husband, partner and friend, the love of my life, died of a brain tumor when my oldest daughter was just seven years old and our youngest son was just a six-month-old baby.
Since then, there have been no shortage of moments in which, unintentionally, upon seeing some achievement (no matter how small) of our children I have repeated myself, as if I were talking to him: “How proud you would be!”
So, coinciding with Father’s Day, I have decided to put all those feelings and emotions into words and write that fictitious letter that I have repeated so many times in my mind : What would I say if you could listen to me, if you returned to our lives after a long journey ?
Kenya, a responsible, determined lady, but orphan of you
Your girl has grown a lot. She was left alone, without the person she loved the most, without her playmate , her confidant and support: her father in capital letters.
And above all because after Iago was born you decided to spend even more time with her , give her even more attention so that I could give the baby the care she needed without her older sister feeling ‘abandoned’.
So losing you left her even emptier in her day to day life. I tried to think what you would do if you saw your sad girl to cheer her up and I tried to do it. In fact, I completely devoted myself to her, to give her affection, to show her that she could count on me for everything, that I would always be there to support her, but I know I didn’t always succeed.
I tried to hide my grief, the sadness for your loss that would not let me breathe so as not to make her suffer , but I did not always succeed, and while I caressed her at night before going to sleep, tears escaped me. And she consoled me by assuring me that you were with us, that you were watching over us and that you were not going to let anything bad ever happen to us. I would have loved to have a hint of your optimism in those moments, but I am not as brave or as strong as you always claimed!
Fortunately, but also unfortunately, because your memory also fades from our lives, time has continued to pass without you being in it. Kenya is no longer that girl so happy and with such high self-esteem that you left.
Sorry, I have not been able to help her enough so that she does not suffer. The optimism of the beginning, in which I thought that at any moment you would return (I would invent a kind of time machine to bring you back) disappeared the year of your death and I am sorry to tell you that her character changed and she became a sadder, withdrawn girl and with very low self-esteem.
With the help of the psychologist and his teachers, he was able to continue forward, although no one has been able to fill the void that you left. I promise you I tried, but you know that I am not fun like you, “my big boy” and that my role has always been to keep my feet on the ground … and that is the one that I continue to assume.
Your girl is still gorgeous, but she doesn’t feel that way and despite all her awards and academic achievements, she still thinks that “it’s no good, it’s useless.”
From you it has remained with your desire for adventure and your decision to try everything, and has linked it to my responsible and organizing attitude and, of both, the pampering character that characterizes us. He still loves, like you did, lying on top of me so that I can caress his head and back!
But it also has the combination of your privileged mind to learn everything and the knowledge of the effort to achieve the goals and never give up. In summary, she has been and continues to be that student that every teacher wants to have : bright, thoughtful, intelligent and good, always ready to help others. He has won awards for theater, mathematics, photography, history or German; He has participated in international events, given talks for young people, participated in debates …
And something that I do not know if you would have been very funny: he won a scholarship to study at a Canadian institute and was away for a whole year. Had she been here, I don’t know if she would have been able to convince you to let her go. Or yes, because you have always wanted the best for your children .
Today she continues on her path, standing out academically, she has a group of good friends, on whom she leans when she needs to, and even goes out with a boy. Do you remember that you always said that you were going to have to chase any bandarria that approached your girl? Well, it has arrived, and I don’t know how you would handle it. But once again, I am convinced that you would have supported her if she is happy, as you always have.
Iago, a clone of yours (or almost)
I know you insisted since he was born that you didn’t want anyone to compare him to you. You even refused to call him Arturo like you, because you wanted him to have a personality of his own and not be underestimated as they did with you.
Well, I have to tell you, that in part you didn’t get it. Our Iago has been, since we saw him for the first time in the delivery room, a sticker of his father, and more when he is missing us and we miss him every moment .
It reminds us so much of you! Physically she has your blonde hair and your blue eyes, but above all, she has inherited your laugh.
In addition, he is just as affectionate as all of us and he does not stop hugging me and his sister, his grandparents, his uncles … And he does it just because, at any time and even in front of other people.
Another very curious characteristic that would make you very funny is to see him walk: he puts his hands in his pockets and walks just like you, many times jumping or running, because he is unable to stay still for a moment. Who does it remind you of?
But he looks like you in so many more things … He lives with his feet floating in the clouds, playing with his imagination on countless occasions, his contagious laugh leaves no one indifferent and, although he is a little lazy like you in a matter of studies (it is not a friend of kneeling elbows) has your intelligence so it does not have problems in the report cards. Even in the last meeting with his tutor, he confirmed that all the teachers are very happy with him, that he participates in class and does not cause problems, although “he could do more .” Does it sound familiar to you?
He is also a very good athlete and practices football, badminton or hockey, but he is also good at pingpong or snowboarding, and he has even already done his diving baptism in the open sea, although like you it is more dry, to take the bike in town or diving headfirst into the pool. It looks so much like you swimming! It’s as if your grandfather, your father, taught you both to swim.
But do not worry. I do not tell him and I even try to silence the rest of my friends and family when they repeat, even in front of him, what we all know: that it is your carbon copy. And, from listening to me so much, he replies “I’m not Arturo, I’m Yago” , although you can see that hint of pride on his face for looking like you.
When he was very little he would ask me to show him your photo on the screensaver and he would kiss you every night before going to sleep. At school he had some attempt of bullying from a group of children who attacked him because he did not have a father. Luckily, the child psychologist (the same one who had treated his sister years before) and his gang of friends have supported and defended him whenever necessary. Do you know that the five are still inseparable since they started as a child?
And before finishing, you should know something, even if it hurts: Kenya has been a biker like you, but we have not managed to get Yago to get on a motorcycle . I know you don’t like hearing it, but it’s okay to see differences too.
By the way! They are both good at languages, so my determination that it was not a pending issue in their lives (as it was in ours) has worked. Kenya is even totally native in English and Yago is on the way to being, and they both speak French and German as well, so the effort we made to enroll our daughter in a public school far from home, with the effort involved in logistics. , has had its reward.
Thank you for having been in our lives and being present every day in our thoughts and in the photos and memories of you that still fill our house, the one we bought with all the illusion in the world to make it the home of our family.
We miss every moment of our life
I still can’t remember a day when we haven’t missed you. You were always my perfect complement, you filled in my lame part in character and skills, you more than made up for it. Of course, you would be surprised to see me assemble Ikea furniture, change a plug or even convert Yago’s stroller the same day we say goodbye to you! I was confident that you would heal and you could do it yourself!
I always thought I was not capable, but when you left I suddenly became the only visible head of the family and took on all your tasks, until Kenya began to excel in those skills so very much yours and since then I have let her do it. It is clear that he has inherited your manual ability!
We miss you every moment, but especially in the important moments of our life, like when Yago said his first word or started walking. I also needed you on his first day of kindergarten or every time he kicked and cried because he did not want to go to school and he had no one to share that anguish that only parents know.
This is how we miss you the first time they dressed as cool together, or at the school Carnivals , when they did not have their father looking at them with pride, when they learned to ride a bike, scooter, swim …
But also when they graduated from each educational stage, in the incomplete family photos , when they made their First Communion (yes, Iago also wanted to do it, although we never agreed), in the plays in Kenya, in the hockey games or Iago’s badminton or every time they have collected a prize or a medal …
You know that I will try to be by their side in each step they take, but I know that it is not enough. The photo of his life will always be incomplete without you.
And I still have so many things to tell you, so many doubts that I would like to solve with you, so many anecdotes from these years that would make you laugh without stopping … But we will have to wait for you to return from your long journey to show you everything that has changed since that you left
It only remains to talk about how my life has been since you are not here. But that’s another story and I prefer to tell it to you by resting my head on your chest like so many other times.
Your wife and mother of your children, who love you to infinity and beyond.
Carmen
Photos | Family
In Babies and More | A different Father’s Day: how to celebrate it as a family and honor your dad without leaving home, Dear dad: having a child is for life, Letter to you who just became a dad, but you are also a couple
