“Mom, don’t kiss me!” “Don’t hug me in public…” Do these phrases ring a bell? Has your teenager told you lately? And you think, how can it be that my son, who “two days” ago ate me with kisses, today does not want to receive a hug?
When children grow up, they experience stages that will change their vision and experience of many things, and it is normal. One of the “star” stages is adolescence.
We talk in this article about this need that some adolescents have to “withdraw” or reduce physical contact with their parents , something that is normal for us to miss, and how to approach them again while always respecting their needs and without forcing anything.
My teenage son doesn’t want physical contact with me as much anymore: why?
When our children grow up and begin the stage of adolescence, they also begin a process of maturation, individualization and search for their own identity.
And it may be that at that moment, your adolescent son, who until recently ate you with kisses, is no longer so amused by physical contact , kisses, caresses and hugs. But why does it happen? How to act?
To begin with, if you are experiencing this situation, calm down because it is something very common and normal. Some of the possible reasons for this are:
Shame
Especially if it is in front of their friends, adolescents feel older (and in fact, they are a little older now), so it is “normal” for them to feel embarrassed if you kiss them or if you do the same thing you did a few years ago .
There is nothing wrong with that, but keep in mind that your child is no longer the same, he feels different inside and out.
Need for differentiation and independence
Your adolescent son is also maturing, and in this process, he seeks differentiation from his parents, in a process of individualization. Therefore, all the behaviors and habits that you did before, for him no longer have the same meaning.
Lots of changes at this stage
Your child surely needs time to assimilate so many changes in his life on a physical, social, emotional and psychological level. And in that state of confusion and search for “who he is”, physical contact can overwhelm him more than before , and not because there is anything wrong with that contact, but because he is assimilating many things and not feeling the same, he needs something different.
It is likely that when he “gets over” this stage, he will yearn for that contact again (or not, but he has the right to identify what he needs, what he wants…).
How to recover that physical contact?
And you, as a mom or dad, long for that physical contact, the kisses and hugs that you gave each other when you were younger. It’s normal too! But if you want to recover that physical contact little by little, it is essential that you respect their needs, their time and their space.
The importance of respecting your space
Each person needs their rhythm to return to previous habits, and in terms of affection, it is essential that it is born from the intrinsic desire in each one, never that it is imposed (that would be counterproductive).
Therefore, it is essential that you respect your child’s space, and what he needs. How to respect all this while trying to cultivate that contact again?
1. Promotes naturalness
Naturalness will be your best ally here. Don’t worry, that contact will surely come back over time.
But it is essential that you do not force anything. That you talk things naturally with him, that you do not demand him and, also, that if you feel like giving him a hug in privacy, give it to him. Of course, also talk to him.
2. Encourage open communication
You can also talk about how you feel. Many times we want our children to open up to us, and yet we don’t open up to them. You can start! For example, verbalizing that you miss those hugs from a few years ago.
You can also ask him directly how he feels; if you are embarrassed, if you no longer feel like kissing, why… But not “as an interrogation” , but from curiosity and freedom, in an informal but close conversation.
3. Change the type of contact
Maybe now you don’t feel like kisses and hugs, but you do want a pat on the back, a caress, a “I miss you!”. After all, affection can be given and shown in many ways, not only through physical contact.
4. Reorient your expectations and enjoy it
Perhaps right now, your child doesn’t feel like the same displays of affection that you had before (or doesn’t feel like it in public, for example). If so, it can help you adjust your expectations.
Maybe he does fancy other things; an afternoon together at the bowling alley, at the cinema, at home watching a movie… The important thing is that you can continue to take care of your relationship.
And even if he grows up, he will always be your son; maybe now is the time to give her love in other ways, and that’s okay. Everything will come back. Enjoy the time with him that flies by!
Photos | Cover (Unsplash)
