When we already have a child, the arrival of a new baby in the family usually generates many questions: Will the older one accept it well? How do I make the presentation? And if jealousy arises? What should I do to foster a good sibling relationship?
Any parent wants the relationship between their children to be good, and it hurts us deeply when things are not like that.
Much has been written about jealousy between siblings, but what happens when jealousy is not so obvious, but what we perceive is a lack of connection between the older brother and the newborn ? Is there anything we can do to help you?
“This is your little brother and you have to love him and take good care of him”
This is one of the most repeated phrases to the older brother before the arrival of a new baby. A priori it seems to us an innocent phrase, and even tender; It is a way of making the elder understand that the new little brother needs his protection and love. But, have we ever stopped to think what the child feels when he listens to it?
Although it will obviously depend on the maturity of the child and especially on their age, if we talk about young children, it is usual for them to feel confused.
We mothers and fathers have had nine months ahead of us to connect with our baby. Nine months of feeling his kicks, caressing him through the belly, talking to him, seeing him in ultrasounds and understanding how he is growing. But young children are oblivious to all this .
And it is that as much as we want to make her a part of the pregnancy, her lack of maturity and understanding will not allow her to understand exactly what is happening inside her mother’s tummy, much less anticipate how her life will change when her little brother is born.
If we put ourselves in the shoes of a little boy who has just become a big brother , it may be easier for us to understand how his world changes (external and internal) and how he feels when a baby arrives.
To begin with, overnight the boy finds himself with a complete stranger in his house. A stranger who has arrived after a few days of absence of his parents. A baby who bothers, cries, who doesn’t play or do anything interesting and who has turned his calm routine upside down.
As if this were not enough, everyone around him insists on telling him that “he must love and take care of him”, but how do you do that when the situation around you is so confusing?
Why is there no connection between my older son and the baby?
Social networks are full of tender and loving videos of presentations of brothers. Videos in which the oldest melts with love for the baby, and looks at him and caresses him as if he were the greatest of his treasures.
Any father and mother would like their child to react in the same way, so when instead of tears and kisses of emotion we come across the most absolute indifference , it is normal for our alarms to go off.
There is nothing wrong with the child who is indifferent to his little brother at first; that is to say, the child who reacts in a loving way is as normal as the one who does it coldly. After all, and as we mentioned above, the baby in front of him is nothing more than a stranger that he must learn to accept and love. And sometimes, that connection process can take time.
Five things you can do to encourage sibling connection
Involve him from the pregnancy
Whenever possible, it is advisable to involve the older brother during the pregnancy so that what is happening is not alien to him, and little by little he can prepare for the arrival of the baby.
We can rely on books or stories that deal with the arrival of a new baby in the family, take him to medical visits (especially when it is time to do an ultrasound) or make him participate in all the preparations related to the baby, from shopping or decorating his room, to the choice of name, for example.
Forget the ‘big brother’ and ‘little brother’ roles
It is important to avoid giving our child the role of “big brother”, as this role carries certain expectations that pressure the child to behave in the way that everyone expects. Similarly, the role of “little brother” is associated with a need for protection and helplessness that, in the long run, can also end up affecting the young child.
Allow your child to express their feelings
Don’t be afraid to ask your child how he feels about the new situation, what he thinks or what emotions invade him . Don’t fear their answers either, or look for something bad in them if what they tell you doesn’t correspond to the pleasant movie that you had formed in your head.
If your child has doubts, clarify them using language appropriate to their age so that they can understand. Your observation, listening and accompaniment are essential to help him manage the tidal wave of emotions that are probably happening inside him.
When a child feels free to express himself and understands that his parents love him unconditionally, respect him and trust him, the adaptation to the new situation will be better.
Let your child connect with the baby in their own way
Connecting with the person in front of us is basic and essential to start a good relationship. That is why we must allow our oldest son to find the best way to connect with his new little brother .
In some cases, this connection could be achieved by involving the elder in the care of the newborn, whenever he requests it. In others, it might be important to leave space with the baby , allow him to take it in his arms, rock him, make skin to skin…
Do not expect anything from your eldest son: just accompany him
Although we all dream that the moment in which our firstborn sees his brother for the first time will be wonderful, we must lower our expectations and accept that it is just as valid that he smiles sweetly at the baby, kisses him or hugs him , as well as that he gets angry, cries or show absolute indifference to the newborn.
Allow your son to feel freely, without judgment, labels and without questioning his brother’s love. Your son just needs your respectful accompaniment at this delicate moment .
