Sooner or later, all mothers end up going through the difficult step of going out for the first time one night (or one afternoon) without our baby, the center of our lives since birth, accompanying us.
It is one thing to have to leave him with another person to go to the doctor or to work, in which guilt has no place because you do it out of obligation (although sadness for separating from him does) and, quite another, to leave him with his grandparents or uncles to enjoy a dinner with friends or a time alone with your partner. Only a bad mother would do that!
In my case the least was delaying the time as possible, although I admit I was exhausted after so many weeks living with and for my daughter, and no time or desire or to speak to his father about other issues that were not “made so many poops ”,“ today he slept so many hours ” … As in the case of all new parents, our little girl occupied all our thoughts.
Until, after much debate between guilt and need , the date came when apologies no longer took place and I decided to jump into the void. Someday it had to be the first.
Oposite feelings
I remember that it was Field Tuesday in Oviedo, a date to share with friends and none of them was yet a father, so they insisted a lot for us to spend some time with them and thus, incidentally, “I cleared up .” So they called it. And inside me thinking “what do they know? My daughter doesn’t bother me and I don’t need time without her ”.
But I admit that inside I missed the laughter with adults, the spontaneous hugs and the passionate kisses with my husband. But I didn’t dare to verbalize it, I didn’t want others (or even myself) to call me a bad mother and selfish.
So we marked June 2 on the calendar (four months after his birth) and I became more and more nervous as the day approached. I started to express milk two days before and freeze it, in case I did not have enough to eat (as if I were going to be away for a week and it was only a few hours) and I explained to my mother a thousand times where everything was, what I had to to do if totally hypothetical (and almost impossible) situations happened. Even walking out the front door, I kept insisting that, if I didn’t see it clearly, I was left, that I didn’t care.
And when he got tired of repeating a thousand times that everything was going to be fine, I returned to the attack:
“She is still very young, she needs me, so if you see that she cries a lot or is restless, please call me and I will come immediately.”
But it didn’t happen, he didn’t call me, and I was the one who dialed the phone every half hour (or even less).
I still remember how strange I felt when we got to the house where we met, how difficult it was for me to disconnect and talk about banal things … I just wanted to tell everyone how perfect and wonderful my girl was and I did not understand how her father could be laughing and fit in so well among our friends without remembering our daughter.
In fact, after my mother told me for the umpteenth time that Kenya was fine, that she had eaten, gassed, and slept like an angel, I fell asleep. I felt so out of place that I announced that I was tired from so many days without sleep, that I was going to lie upstairs for a while and that I would be down in half an hour.
The funny thing is that I was really tired , but I did not fulfill the promise to come down in half an hour but my partner woke me up because they had heard me screaming. Who guesses the plot of the nightmare? Indeed: I dreamed that my daughter was crying and I had taken her pacifier and because I had left I could not reassure her. I sure was a woman’s nightmare! Who would want to be with me?
Better a dinner for two
At that point, my husband and I decided to leave and not “make the day” for our friends. Even though they insisted that we stay, I was so embarrassed that I gave the note that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and go home with my little girl, which is where I needed to be.
But his father had other plans for me. While on the way in the car I kept repeating that this had been a mistake, that I should have stayed at home taking care of my baby, that it was my obligation, he did not say a word. Until we got into an underground car park in the center of Oviedo.
There he explained to me that he had spoken with my mother and they had agreed that it was better if I did not return home with a bad experience, that the girl was calm and happy. I had booked a table at a restaurant we used to go to before we were parents, and I wasn’t taking no for an answer.
I protested, but I liked that he cared about me and pampered me… luckily. I am not going to fool anyone by assuring that the evening was perfect, because when we sat down at the table I did not know what to talk about with him, except the girl, how lucky we had been with her, if tomorrow I had to take her for review, that if in summer we could go on vacation to his parents’ house …
But I don’t know exactly when, it made me laugh and we started talking about ourselves , our needs as a couple, that we had put aside the passion we felt for being parents …
We left there hugging, kissing and promising that we would repeat an outing together and alone shortly. We were again him and me, and a little person at home that we adored. But also, him and me.
I learned my lesson with my second son
Those first few times are surprising, but sometimes tough too. Above all, when it comes to being a maternity debut. So much waiting to make the first date without my baby, and so many fears and insecurities, and when it finally happened, the experience was so gratifying that its effects lasted for days and served as a learning tool to escape when we saw that there was no conversation between us .
I am aware that not everyone shares the idea of doing things without their children, that they prefer to always have them by their side, that the same things can be done as a couple and with children, and even at home, when they go to bed.
I accept it and understand that everyone is free to educate as they want or think is better. But I need to continue maintaining my own plot for the couple, to feel like a woman, a friend as well as a mother. Family is my life, but I know myself and I would not be able to move on if, even very occasionally, I do not disconnect from my obligations. I know that many people are going to criticize me, they are going to call me a bad mother, an insensitive … but I no longer care.
I believe that each one has to find the best way to take care of their children, even if that means not having them hanging by their skirts all day to be able to repeat “they can’t live without me.
In fact, having learned the lesson, when my little boy was born and I saw that he was a healthy baby and that he was picking up his routines, I left him and his sister with my mother to go out to eat with his father. I was only a month old, but I didn’t feel guilty. She had been working hard for months, until the day of delivery, and had not had time to rest: with a newborn, a little girl and a freelance job, the days were very full.
And we keep looking for our time until fate snatched it from us. But that is another story. And, in case you wonder, my children were not traumatized by leaving them at home : they are very affectionate with me, but also very independent, they have real friends, they have never hesitated to sleep at other children’s houses for missing me and , in general, I think they are happy. At least that’s what they convey to me.
So, if you are in that stage of your motherhood where you are still wondering if it is okay to “abandon” your baby to go out with your partner, my answer is that you do not hurt him. You have the rest of the days to listen to him, hug him, accompany him and make him feel protected and loved. Although of course, it’s just my mother’s opinion.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and More | 13 simple and daily plans to connect with your partner and enjoy time together, How to connect daily with our partner, and why it is so important to take care of our relationship for the good of the children
