For many parents, one of the most frequent problems they face during parenting is the disobedience of their children, which is nothing more than refusing to do what is asked of them. This is a much more frequent inconvenience than you might think.
Depending on the evolutionary stage in which the children are, it can be expected that this type of behavior will be present, since oppositional behaviors are characteristic of some stages of the life cycle, such as the age of 2-3 years, the pre-adolescence and adolescence.
However, there is another side of the coin that allows us to understand that disobedience is not always something negative, since it contains in itself the possibility of putting oneself to the test and knowing oneself. This is why it can be positive to see that our children do not obey us from a new perspective.
“Obedience is the door through which knowledge, yes, and love, too, enter the child’s mind.”
-Anne Sullivan-
Why does not my son obey me?
Before we get into the benefits of disobeying, let’s talk about the causes of it. And it is that it is very common for parents to ask themselves this question, and to answer this question there is no single reason , since it can respond to various factors. Among them are:
They test the limits
It is common for children to use this type of behavior to test limits and see how far they can go without consequences. That is why these behaviors are very common in critical stages of development such as adolescence.
They seek our attention
For children it can be very complicated at times to put into words what they feel, and therefore they express it through their behaviors, which may not seem very positive to us.
Many children use disobedience as a method to get their parents’ attention and receive more time and affection.
ambiguous explanations
Disobedience is not always a matter directly related to children, sometimes it is caused by us not knowing how to ask for things and giving ambiguous explanations of what we expect of them.
That is why it is important to be clear and direct when telling them what we want, always with short sentences that can be understood.
Inconstancy
Parenting implies consistency and perseverance from us as parents. We cannot ask children for something today and something completely different the next day.
The rules that we establish at home must always remain and be respected and fulfilled by everyone (with some flexibility too). Remember that our children learn from what they see .
threats
The use of threats against the bad behavior of children does not result in anything positive. Inappropriate behaviors must have firm consequences (we are not talking about punishments, but about consequences for actions).
If we live in a constant threat that there will be consequences for their bad behavior but we do nothing, we will only lose authority before them. In addition, that the threat itself is already harmful , and is useless, to educate.
“Voluntary obedience is always better than forced obedience.”
-Xenophon-
Why not paying attention is sometimes positive for your development
Although at first glance it may seem like a negative thing that a child refuses to obey his parents, it is not necessarily so. And it is that this type of behavior is normal, expected and necessary for children to develop in a healthy way .
Oppositional behaviors in which children refute and disobey us are part of the normal dynamic they have to measure their own limits and the authority of their parents.
It is therefore the perfect opportunity to learn how far it can go and the role we have as parents.
Similarly, it is time for us as their caregivers to establish rules and limits. It is important to know that “disobedient behaviors” will be repeated by children as long as they manage to obtain positive consequences with them, that is, when they achieve what they want by being disobedient.
So, there lies the real challenge as parents , learning to manage the limits always taking into account the emotions and thoughts of our children, without falling into the manipulation that disobeying can become to achieve what they propose. .
“Blind obedience is just as dangerous as disobedience.”
-Efrain Gutierrez Zambrano-
The good side of disobeying
self knowledge
For our children to know themselves, they must experience new situations and push themselves to the limit, in order to know what they can and cannot do, and what they like and what they don’t. And it is just at this point that disobedience can be a very positive thing.
Self esteem
Disobeying our parents is not just rudeness; in fact, it is a very successful way in which our children develop and learn more about themselves , which has a direct impact on their self-esteem. In addition, this allows them to be able to assert themselves and know their own abilities.
Autonomy and emotional management
Also, it allows them to develop as independent people who may be able to put into practice all their skills and knowledge when trying to resolve a conflict in any situation, developing as perfectly healthy and self-confident adults.
And this, in turn, favors their emotional management, so that they can solve their own problems when they are older or when, for whatever reason, we as parents cannot solve them for them.
Photos | Cover (Freepik)
