“Let’s see if you can clarify it once,” the father of a baby told me the first time they came to the nursing office. I no longer remember what they asked me, but she nervously hugged the little boy while he reproached me, with good reason, that they had asked the same question to several other professionals and we were all giving him a different answer .
A few days ago a fellow nurse told me the same thing on Facebook, that a mother had burst into tears when she heard her words for the same reason, because with each answer she looked even more lost: when new parents receive so many opposing opinions that they end up totally lost .
“It’s nothing personal, but we can’t take it anymore”
On a pilgrimage in search of solutions, those parents finally came to me (well, I don’t know if finally, maybe after seeing me they looked for more opinions and solutions), and although they looked visibly upset, I understood what they told me themselves , that it was nothing personal against me, that they weren’t angry with me, but that they were angry with the situation , because they couldn’t take it anymore.
And the thing is that some first-time parents are told to let him cry, others not; Some who feed him on demand, others that every three hours, others that every two, others that yes, on demand, but that they do not let him eat as much as the baby wants, but rather limit the time; Some say that he should sleep in the crib, others that it is better if they sleep together; some put him to sleep on his side, others on his back with his head tilted; Some say that the bathroom is essential every day, better at night, others that it can be every two or three days and that the schedule does not matter; some that cure the cord with alcohol, others only with water and others that do nothing; Some who cry because he is eating little, give him a bottle, others who cry because he is hooked all day and does not let the milk rise, others who cry because he is hungry, that she will not have milk, and others that if he cries it is because the mother’s milk may not be good. And so with every question that comes to mind.
And in a similar situation they arrived, the couple. He was already fed up and she was tired, about to cry, because the doubts were not allowing her to move on and the solutions were not always effective. And they were locking themselves into something that should be nice: taking care of your baby .
Multiple solutions for the same problem
The recommendations also change a lot. 30 years ago parents had to put us to sleep on our stomachs because it was considered to be safer. But now it’s just the opposite: face up. 10 years ago, gluten was given from 8 months, the egg at 12 and the foods that produce more allergy were left for 18 months onwards. But now it is the opposite, it is said that after six months they can eat practically everything. A few years ago parents were told that if we cried our lungs would expand and that this was good. But now we know that the lungs do not mature or expand with crying , and that we must attend to the baby whenever possible because crying produces stress, and babies do not know how to manage stress (and children who suffer more stress in infancy it is the adults who have, precisely, more problems of stress and anxiety).
Parents know this, that the recommendations vary over time, and that is why on many occasions they no longer trust too much what the baby’s grandmother says, so they go where they think the most up-to-date knowledge is: professionals health . But there is not always the most current, and often what is transmitted are somewhat outdated knowledge, myths or even judgments of the person under the white coat.
Parents don’t know, of course … they go home with a solution and put it into practice. And then they see that it does not work or that new problems appear. And then they have two options, go back to the professional and explain that it did not work, and try another new possible solution, or look for another to see if that one is right.
And in the trial / error game with the various solutions that they receive, they realize that sometimes they are doing totally contradictory things , that one day they tell them to let the baby cry a little and the next they tell them that never, that one day they are told to control the time you eat with the clock and the next they are told to throw the clock in the trash … Normally there comes a time when they collapse because they no longer know where to throw it.
The only one who knows what happens to your baby is …
I know, in a way I drain the bundle. I avoid criticism of myself with what I say, but not because I do not want to receive it, but because I think above all about babies, and I look for the best for them, and rebound for parents. When I see them so misplaced, no longer confident in our role as health workers and counselors and without confidence in their role as parents, I tell them in the end not to listen to anyone … I even tell them not to listen to me either . That they do not believe anything, that they do what they consider to be best, and above all that they only listen to one person.
“The only one who knows what happens to your baby is your baby,” I tell them. And they are a little surprised because they don’t see the way to decipher the messages that the child is sending them, so I continue: “Try what makes you feel better, what seems more logical, what comes from within, and wait for the answer. If you see that things are going wrong, if you see that he cries more or is not comfortable, try something else … in the end it is only to enter the game of trying, and if there is crying, or you see that not it works, change strategy. “
It is even said that the surprising thing about raising a child is that when you already have the answers, they ask you new questions; And it is that when you have already found what is best for you, it turns out that it grows, matures, changes (or changes something in the family situation), and suddenly that no longer works and you have to start again trying strategies to see how you can all adapt to the new situation.
The good thing is that little by little, by listening to him, you learn to understand what he “tells you”, and that gives a lot of confidence because when there is that communication, when the parents know how to interpret the needs and discomfort of your child, his complaints and fears, the The couple begins to be more autonomous and no longer depends so much on us, the toilets, those who behind a table give fairly standard advice, which we believe is useful for all children but that is not always the case, and that each one of us explains it in a different way to the point of offering contrary solutions.
For my part, I can only apologize (for the part that touches me) because we do not agree or we will surely agree for a long time, and insist on what I say: “Do not pay too much attention to us, do not do it to anyone other than your baby . “
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Are you a new mother? Get ready for hundreds of opposing advice, 11 Things New Parents Learn in the First Days, Symptoms You Are New Parents. Humor
