Do you think you have less patience lately than before? Do you yell at your children frequently or do you feel like you lose your temper more easily? We have all gone through moments like this at times, although in recent months it is likely that these episodes have increased.
We explain what are the reasons why parents yell at our children and what is in our power to do to educate without yelling.
First of all, remember: it is not your child who makes you scream, it is you
Surely on more than one occasion we have told our children phrases like “you’re making me nervous!” , “You make me mad!” , ” You’re wearing my patience!” , “You make me scream!” … But the truth is that the only ones responsible for our emotional state are ourselves, and it is not fair to blame others for how we feel.
In other words, when we yell at children, we don’t do it because they don’t listen to us, don’t listen to us or disobey us, but our attitude and way of reacting depends solely on us . Hence the importance of becoming aware when we feel that we are going to lose our nerves, get away from the situation, breathe and reflect before speaking.
Parents are physically and mentally exhausted
Parents tend to notice greater physical and mental fatigue at this time of year . The causes are varied, although work overload, problems of family conciliation and the obligations of our day to day, which are little by little making a dent and wearing out, stand out above all.
On the other hand, when we have young children we also tend to have a greater lack of sleep, as well as other concerns related to their education, their health or their upbringing that make a hole in our minds in a thunderous way.
With such a physical and mental burden, it is logical and understandable that we feel exhausted and at one point “jump” with our children. But since our patience counter does not reset every January 1, each of us has to find the best way to mentally “balance” ourselves and rest.
Of course, it is important that both parents are in the same conditions, so we must give each other support and support (for example, taking turns in caring for the children when the nights are difficult, distributing the mental load, involving ourselves equally in parenting of the children …) and also seek outside support when necessary.
This will allow us not only to have time for ourselves, but also for our partner, which will have a positive impact on our mood and, therefore, on the well-being of our children.
It will soon be two years since the coronavirus pandemic swept through our way of life . In all this time we have lived through months of strict confinement and restrictive measures, we have learned to deal with uncertainty, and we have been forced to adopt a “new normal” that is far from what we knew before.
Logically, all this ends up taking its toll on an emotional level .
That is why experts insist on seeking professional help if for a while you feel more worried, anguished, sad or suffer episodes of stress, insomnia or anxiety. Unfortunately, the situation we are living in will not improve from today to tomorrow, so it is necessary to take care of our mental health to better cope with this new reality and continue with our life in the best possible way.
Not surprisingly, the WHO itself warned a few months ago on this issue and published a series of tips (some aimed especially at mothers and fathers) to face the pandemic and the life changes that it has brought with it.
We want the children to follow our rhythm
We adults live in a world of rush. The whirlwind of day to day, responsibilities in the different areas of our life and the unforeseen events that always arise end up engulfing us in a thunderous way, forcing us to activate the ‘automatic pilot’ from the moment we get up and until we go to bed.
And so, day after day we feel that time slips through our fingers without being barely aware of it, and with the frustration of not being able to cover as much as we would like. Although the problem arises when we transfer that rush and that accelerated life to our children .
Children, who live in the here and now, who need time to develop their different abilities, and who do not understand rush or stress, are suddenly engulfed by the demanding cries of adults to do things when we want them to . without taking into account that their rhythm of life is completely different from ours.
It is not easy to slow down to adapt to that of our children; But when we become aware of the importance of being more patient with them, everything changes for the better.
We are too demanding of ourselves
Another reason why we yell at our children could be in the expectations that parents sometimes set for ourselves, and which are far from reality.
Not surprisingly, there are several studies that have been published about how social networks can affect the confidence of mothers and fathers, as well as how to reduce our self-esteem, generate insecurity and cause guilt when we feel that we are not up to the task. the idyllic images that we observe.
Undoubtedly, these aspects can generate great stress among parents, who fail to be those “perfect parents” who sew spectacular costumes, make homemade pastries or travel with their children to idyllic places.
This self-imposed pressure is mixed with work stress and conciliation problems, and can affect the family climate, and more specifically the relationship with the children.
We find it difficult to relativize
In line with the above, it is worth doing an exercise in reflection and thinking from time to time: what things can we do to simplify our daily life? Are there tasks that we can make more flexible and reorganize, not only in order to have more free time but to avoid family conflicts?
And it is that many times we impose on children certain things that are not really necessary at that moment, or that if they are not carried out, nothing will happen. For example, what if one day our son does not want to bathe? What if one afternoon you don’t feel like picking up your toys? What would happen if one day we had dinner half an hour later than usual because the little one did not want to leave the park?
Obviously we must always set limits for children, but within those limits there will be some that can be negotiated at a given moment or even made more flexible to achieve a better family climate and avoid tension and screaming.
Our children ignore us
Parents who tend to yell at their children explain that they do it because otherwise the children ignore them and, therefore, even if they don’t like it, they are “forced”.
But the reason is that they themselves, with their loss of control, have taught children to listen only when yelled at, since speaking to them in a normal tone they do not seem to take the other party seriously.
However, if we believe that our child does not obey us, and we feel that he does not seem to listen to us when we speak to him, the way to make us understand is not by shouting, but by explaining the message in simple words, repeating it as many times as necessary with patience, love and respect, agreeing on limits and giving them autonomy to make their own decisions, whenever possible.
We have internalized screams as a way to educate
Another reason we yell at children is our own childhood . Not always, but in many cases we also receive shouts, harsh words and demands from our family environment, since the authoritarian educational style was typical of that time.
This has made us normalize (and even justify) many of these behaviors. With this we are not excusing the shouting, but explaining why, having internalized this way of educating, in moments of tension, fatigue or anger, we shout at the children.
After yelling at our children, parents feel bad . Very badly. At least it happens to me, because knowing that screaming is harmful to children, what parent does not feel guilty afterwards?
But although knowing the main reasons why we yell does not excuse or justify us, it can help us to become aware of the problem and try to avoid it. We all want the best for our children, and only by reflecting on what we can improve will we be able to give a better version of ourselves.
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