It is one of the greatest fears of couples when the second pregnancy arrives: What will happen to the oldest? How will you receive the new baby? Will you be jealous? Will he blame it on us?
They are normal fears, such as the fear of not having enough time for the oldest and not being able to love the second as well as the first. But it is already done: the pregnancy continues its course and if everything goes well a second baby will be born who will come home to live with you, so perhaps these nine tips can be useful to avoid the jealousy of the brother when the newborn arrives home .
Tip zero: raise him to be happy
The reality is that the first advice is not one that is carried out from the moment it is known that mother is pregnant with the second baby, but one that begins the day the oldest is born: raise him to be happy , or what is the same, leave him freedom so that he can be himself and transmit values so that he can coexist in the society in which we live.
Some time ago I wrote about this myself, so I do not elaborate much. Let’s say that everything lies in spending time with him and that that time belongs to mother and father, that is, that we are there for them: that we be their example, their guide, that we communicate, that we ask him how the day has passed, that let us tell him how ours has been, let him know that we too have some problems and concerns, let him tell us about yours, that we enjoy the good things in life together and that he can tell us about the bad things in his life , while we hear.
When all this happens, when we play, laugh and cry together, many children feel loved and important within the family (not above the family, but one more), and when a little brother arrives they have no problem receiving him as well as a one more.
But sometimes it happens, despite everything
But that is what the theory says, and although this is often the case, it does not always happen that way because not all older siblings are the same age or are at the same vital moment .
Some have just entered college or nursery school and are already going through some difficult changes; some have been separated from their mother for the first time for a few days, due to childbirth, and feel strange, in a dynamic they are unaware of; and some do not reach two years of age, or are not much older than that and do not manage to rationalize what the arrival of a new baby means, to give a few examples. Therefore, these tips can be useful to give guidance to future parents of a second baby:
1. Let him visit the new baby
Let him go to the hospital, if the baby was born there, to meet the new baby and to see Mom . There he can be with her again (if he is with whom he has more affinity, which is the usual thing), and she can be a little for him, even if he has the baby in his arms or the breast; asking him things, talking to him, explaining how the baby was born, telling him how much they will play together when the baby grows up and already knows how to play, etc.
2. That mom bring a gift to the eldest when she comes home
Actually, the greatest gift for the oldest is that mother returns home and that everything returns a little to its normal course , although in reality everything will be quite different. That is why it may be a good idea for mom to bring her a special gift to celebrate her return home, which may be a game or story that you can enjoy together at some point.
It can also be good if he wants to make a gift for mom and baby himself to celebrate their arrival.
3. Find a time to be with him
Although it is difficult to find him, try to find a time each day to be alone with him. Both mom and dad should find time to enjoy their two children exclusively, although here the baby rules above all. If he is crying because he wants to be with Mom, the rest becomes secondary.
So what can be done is to also enjoy the older child in the presence of the little one (for the older child it is quite revealing to realize that, even when Mom is with the little brother, she can continue playing, telling stories and reading stories with him) .
4. Let them also talk about him
People will come to meet the little one, and they will take pictures of him and take pictures with him. This should not isolate the elder, which should also be included in all these situations: that people also talk to the elder, that they also take pictures with him and the baby, etc.
5. That something is also given to him
If the visitors bring a gift for the little one, a detail to celebrate his birth, it would be nice if they brought some detail to the older one as well . Just in case, parents can have some little things prepared (if someone comes without a gift for the elder) in case they have to do a “rescue”.
It is also not necessary to have a gift at all visits if the child is doing well, but it can be a useful resource if you see that everyone seems great to give things to the new baby and with him you do not have the same deference.
6. Let other adults spend time with him
I always explain that around 2 or 3 years my children began to spend more time with me. If until then mom was practically the only one they went to when they had a problem, from that age they began to have a lot of bond with me: games, laughter, magic, trust, mischief … all those things that arise from the relationship between a father and a son (also from the mother, of course, but since until then they do not pay much attention to us, because it comes later), and this helped a lot in the arrival of each next brother.
Having the father make a strong bond with the elder can be a great help when the baby arrives. Also that another relative do it, such as a grandfather or grandmother, who can take the child to the park, to the movies, to have a snack, to play, and that in those complicated days when mother can barely be there for him, see that it is not that no one wants to, but can not. And since mom has it complicated, she will look for a hole at another time, but in the meantime she can also have fun with other people.
7. Speak up if you are concerned
There may be times when you really feel out of place and worried, crying, complaining, or even having a tantrum. It will be normal, and it will be a good time, when he calms down a bit, to talk about everything that is happening to him.
Explain that we understand him perfectly, that we know how he feels, and that we have not stopped loving him, far from it . That we will look for moments to continue having as good a time as ever, that many children have it like him (that there are days when they seem strange, as out of place) and that the best of all is that when the baby grows up, they will be able to play a lot, but now you have to take good care of him because he is very small.
8. Show him pictures from when he was little
To explain the needs of the baby, it can be very good to explain some stories related to the care that babies require, and even stories about jealousy, and make use of the photos we have with the eldest, from when he was a baby .
Let him see himself as a child, suckling, being held in his arms, on the floor, unable to do anything, and thus understand why his little brother needs so much time from Mom and Dad. This way you will also understand that it is not a matter of replacing him with the other, but that all children have a time when they are young and their parents have to help them because they know almost nothing.
9. What if it attracts a lot of attention?
It may happen that, despite everything, we notice that it attracts us a lot of attention. And this can be done the hard way, or it can be done the hard way. When I say the hard way, I mean to get angry, throw things, yell at us, say no when it is yes, or yes when it is no, everything seems wrong and refuses to listen to us.
It’s not really evil; it’s not really doing it to hurt us. It is just his way of telling us that he is not at all in agreement with what he is living and that we must show him again that we love him. It is a proof of love in every rule .
The problem is that his demands for us to show him our love can be exaggerated (or unbalanced). So exaggerated that trying to comply with them can leave the baby unattended, or we can even do things that make us feel uncomfortable and completely managed. As if he were suddenly the one who says what to do at home and when .
So we have to work our demonstrations of love little by little, because in a loving relationship it cannot be that one of the parties has to show it by feeling bad, or by feeling obliged to do so: it cannot be that the mother or the father feel bad in order to please the son, as if they felt guilty for having brought a second son into the world and accepted the punishment of the eldest.
We must take control of the situation and tell him that we want to be with him, that we love him, and that we will spend time with him, but not when it cannot be. We cannot leave the baby crying to fulfill his play demand, but we can attend to the baby at that moment and play with him when the baby is calm.
Little by little it has to do with the fact that we do love him, that we do have time for him, but that we are the ones who say when is a good time for it . It is a balance between the needs of all family members, it is a teaching in living together, it is to show them that we understand their needs, but that they cannot always be satisfied when they want, if that entails the suffering of other people.
“It’s not that playing with you seems unimportant, it’s that now I have to do other things and I won’t even be able to play at ease with you … I want us to be together and have a good time both of us, so we’ll find a moment later to do it “. And this can also be done by dad: “Since mom is with the baby, do you play with me? I want to play with you, what could we do?”
To all this add the star ingredients: patience and common sense .
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | How to involve the older brother in caring for the baby
