A few days ago I was reading a phrase on the internet that made me reflect. She said something like “nothing prepares you to be a mother, but being a mother prepares you for everything .”
Although it is true that, as they say colloquially, “mothers have superpowers” and there is nothing that can resist us (we do the same role of nurse, that of pastry chef, seamstress, taxi driver, teacher, psychologist), I think there is something that mothers and fathers must make an effort to master . I’m talking about fear.
Fear begins to hover over our heads from the moment we see a positive pregnancy test, and it increases when we hold our baby for the first time.
But if you are one of those who believes that as your child grows your fears will dissipate, I am sorry to disappoint you, because far from disappearing the fear is increasing, transforming and diversifying , because with each stage new fears arrive.
From my experience, I tell you how fears evolve in parents and what we can do so that they do not dominate us when raising our children.
From pregnancy and the first years of life to adolescence: this is how parents’ fears evolve
I have always thought that it is not until you become a mother / father for the first time that you really discover the meaning of the word ‘fear’.
Fear begins to gain a foothold in our lives from the moment we find out that we are pregnant, and although these fears change and increase as the pregnancy progresses, it is precisely the moment when we see our child’s face for the first time. time when we begin to be aware that love and fear will always walk hand in hand .
Fear of not ‘being up to the task’, not understanding his needs, that he cries and you don’t know how to calm him down, that he will get sick, that he will not grow properly …
Little by little, the fears of the first months give way to other fears related to their health and development. Thus, it is normal to fear that he will hurt himself when he begins to walk, that he will be left in the care of other people, that he will not meet the milestones that correspond to him by age or that he will not adapt well to kindergarten or school.
Once the school stage has started, we can have the feeling that fears have given us a truce . At the end of the day, our son is already independent and autonomous, he knows how to express to us how he feels, what worries him or what hurts him at a given moment (so it is easier to help him in that sense) and he seems to enjoy the relationships with others.
Gone are the crying and tantrums that it was hard to decipher, the nights watching over the fever and waiting for some -itis to manifest itself, and the fatigue caused by a small child’s own dependence on his mother; Tiredness that, of course, was also mixed with the fear of thinking that it would be like that for a lifetime.
But the school stage brings with it new fears : fear that something will happen to him (surely all parents have experienced at some point that paralyzing fear when they call you on the phone from school to give you news), that he will not adapt well or do not make friends, fear that you may be a victim of bullying, that you have academic difficulties …
And then adolescence arrives and with this new stage begins another level in terms of fears. And it is that when you look back and realize that things have not gone so bad, looking forward again generates great concern and it is normal to wonder: will we be able to successfully go through the adolescent stage?
Because make no mistake, the very word “adolescence” tends to cause parents great fear due to the many negative connotations associated with this stage of life.
So we parents of teenagers began to experience endless new fears that we had never felt before: fear of first outings, bad company, the beginning of sexual relations, fear of drugs, alcohol and other addictions, fear to be away from us, fear that he will change his way of being, fear that he does not have a good professional future …
In short, very powerful fears that are no longer related exclusively to their own survival and the difficulties of the first years of parenting, to focus on the integral development of their person and a future that perhaps until now we had not considered.
Are the same fears repeated with the following children?
Although the experience is undoubtedly a degree and many of the fears that are felt with the first child are relativized with the following ones, in my opinion they not only do not disappear, but they multiply exponentially .
In addition, it must be borne in mind that each child is unique and has their own different personality and needs , so their upbringing will make you face totally new and unknown experiences, challenges, difficulties and fears.
To this must be added the common fears that parents with more than one child usually feel: will I love everyone the same? Will I be able to attend to all your needs? Will they have a good sibling relationship today and forever? Am I educating them correctly? …
Fears are necessary, but you have to know how to handle them
Being afraid is a completely normal, necessary and natural emotion. Feeling fear is even beneficial , as it is a defense and survival mechanism.
That is why it is completely logical that when we become parents we feel fear, because we love our children than our own lives and the very idea that they suffer physically or emotionally causes us great unease.
If parents allow ourselves to be carried away by our fears, we will probably act overprotecting our children in any part of their lives, because we will want to control everything so that they do not suffer, prevent them from making mistakes and supervise whatever they do.
This attitude is harmful for children , because by not having autonomy and freedom to develop and learn from their mistakes, they will grow up insecure, fearful and with zero confidence in themselves and in their abilities. But in addition, living dominated by fear will also cause us great discomfort and anxiety, especially when we face situations that we are unable to control.
Therefore, it is necessary for parents to work on our own fears (even seeking professional help if necessary) and be aware of the importance of not transferring them to our children.
It is also important that from the cradle we foster communication and mutual trust, trust in their abilities and allow them to experiment and make mistakes.
But above all, I would advise relativizing what at a given moment disturbs and worries us , since on many occasions our fears derive from a negative and catastrophic scenario that our mind recreates in response to the ‘what if …?’ that we ask ourselves, but fortunately are situations that rarely materialize.
Photos | Vlada Karpovich and Pexels, Josh Willink and Pexels, iStock
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