More and more parents are starting on the path of Positive Discipline to educate their children with kindness and firmness at the same time. But, is it possible to apply Positive Discipline also with adults? And specifically in the case of the couple, how can Positive Discipline influence our relationship?
We have talked about all this with Elisa Molina, founder of “Educar en calma”, author of the book with the same name and educator in Positive Discipline for families and couples.
Is it possible to apply Positive Discipline also with the partner?
Elisa confesses that people often come to her couples workshops hoping that Positive Discipline will change the person with whom they share their lives. But she is clear about it: “Positive Discipline does not change people . The focus is on us and on accepting our partner with their strengths and weaknesses”
In this sense, the educator warns that over the years there is a tendency to stop appreciating what made us fall in love with the other person and to exclusively emphasize their failures, which ends up seriously damaging the relationship.
“It is very easy for adults to understand Positive Discipline applied to the education of children, because we immediately understand that they are learning and it is normal for them to make mistakes, so it does not count us to have compassion for them. But, curiously, when we speak of using Positive Discipline with another adult, we don’t see it so clearly “ – Elisa reflects.
“But Positive Discipline can and should be used with anyone, because we all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness . Positive Discipline for couples helps to have a healthy relationship, based on mutual respect, cooperation, freedom, encouragement and unconditional love. In addition, it is based on the different languages of love and how to approach to solve conflicts “ .
Thus, Positive Discipline applied to the couple would be based on the same pillars on which Positive Discipline for families is based:
- Kindness and firmness
- Long-term approach
- Sense of belonging
- Mutual respect
- Confidence in the abilities and skills of the other
How the relationship changes after becoming parents
When the first child is born, the couple’s relationship changes , since the arrival of a baby into the world implies a revolution in all aspects that completely alters the rhythm of coexistence that the couple had before becoming parents.
As the number of children grows, it is usually more frequent that stress and fatigue increase , since responsibilities also grow and a greater effort must be made to fit schedules and adapt to the different situations that arise with parenting.
” That stress that parents are subjected to day after day ends up affecting the couple’s relationship. Thus, instead of making a team, helping each other and sharing the complicated day we have had, we end up spilling our anger and frustration on the other person, as if it were a ‘punching bag’ “ – says the educator in Positive Discipline.
“We must not forget that the couple’s bond is the fundamental support for the children, so it is important to take care of it every day”
“With this I am not saying that children separate couples. On the contrary, children can unite even more, but for this we must do a daily work of communication and honesty with our partner, and above all dedicate time”
“In addition, there is often another circumstance that deeply damages the couple’s relationship , and that is that when children come to the family we tend to focus exclusively on them and we displace and completely forget our partner, and that is a serious mistake “ .
“Because each one has a place in the family, and children cannot assume a role and a love that does not correspond to them . Because the love we feel for our children is not the same as that we feel for our partner, so each of us it should have its own space. “
Eight tips to take care of your relationship every day
These are the five tips or advice that Elisa offers us to take care of our relationship as a couple:
1) Let’s change the way of greeting
“Let’s do a reflection exercise and analyze the way in which we greet our partner in the morning or how we say goodbye to her. It is sad, but sometimes we don’t even look into each other’s eyes. Receiving our partner as he deserves is a very important connection point. Let’s be glad to see him, let’s look at each other, let’s kiss and say nice things to each other . “
2) Let’s take care of our communication
“Let us also observe how we communicate with our partner . Do we interrupt when he is speaking? Do we always seek criticism, judgment or humiliation? Do we correct him every time he speaks? Sometimes it is not easy to realize these details, but it is convenient to do an exercise in self-criticism and learning to communicate in a positive way, from humility, humanity and empathy “ .
3) Let’s keep the spark of love alive
“The initial infatuation changes over the years, but that does not mean that the spark of the relationship has to go out. But to keep the flame of love burning it is necessary not to fall into the weight of routines, and to look more to eyes, holding hands, kissing, touching or saying beautiful words to us every day “ .
4) Let’s listen actively
“As we do with children, we must also practice active listening with our partner , without interruptions or criticism. In addition, to listen we need time, presence and eye contact. When we put all this into practice, conversations change to a relaxed tone and fluent “ .
5) Let’s take back the past
“At the beginning of a relationship we only see beautiful things in the other. We have hormones on our side and the” I love you “,” I have missed you “or” how I like to be with you “are always present. But over time We began to put into practice that of “trust is disgusting”, and little by little we stop appreciating the good things of the other and focus only on what they do wrong “ .
“In addition, when we are in full conquest we make use of all possible resources : we make available to the other all our time, our oratory, our good disposition, our active listening, our unconditional support, our complicity … But little by little we let of dedicating time, words, caresses, acts of service, gifts … That is, we stopped looking for the other “ .
“That is why I think it is important to stop from time to time and remember how we met, how our partner made us feel and what made us fall in love with him / her; and bring all these things to the present moment. Also, from humility, we must often ask ourselves, would I choose myself as a partner? What is in my power to change so that the relationship improves? “
6) Let’s stop continually pointing out mistakes
“We all make mistakes at times, but continually highlighting mistakes is exhausting for anyone . As we do with our children when we are teaching them something, there may be situations in which we need to teach something to our partner, so let’s do it with the same patience and love that we do it when it comes to a child, because no one is born knowing . “
7) Let’s say thank you more times
“When we go to buy a loaf of bread, in addition to paying for it, we thank the person who takes care of us. Well, why is it so difficult for us to thank our partner when they put in a washing machine or prepare breakfast for us in the morning, for example?”
“When I comment on this in the workshops there are people who tell me that there is no reason to thank when the couple” does something they have to do “, but I think it is essential to always thank any gesture. It is encouraging, gives confidence and improves much communication “ .
8) Let us offer the other our best version
“Often we offer our best version to other people and we keep the worst version of ourselves for our partner . And sometimes we even justify it by saying” is that with our partner I can be myself “. That is, we reserve our smiles , our good face, our careful presence, our good words … to our clients or patients, for example, but we leave our bad mood, our bad days or our careless appearance to our partner “ .
9) Spend time as a couple
“We must remember that we chose our partner; that is, we were the ones who wanted to spend the rest of our lives with him. The children came later, and also, the children will fly from the nest .”
“Unfortunately, there are couples who during parenting do not take care of their relationship and do not dedicate time , but I think it is essential that in our family life there are moments of exclusive dedication as a couple .”
Positive Discipline Workshops for couples
If what you have read has “stirred” you from the inside and made you reflect, Elisa encourages us to attend a Positive Discipline workshop as a couple and delve deeper into the tools that this methodology offers to take care of our relationship day by day.
The next workshop for couples that Elisa Molina will offer is called “Happy Couples”, and will be held on February 19 online. If you want to know all the details, price and registration, you can check this link.
Educate in Calm (Believe yourself)
Photos | Istock, Pexels
Acknowledgments | Elisa Molina, Educate in Calm
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