Tantrums, contrary to what many think they are mistaken for bad behavior, are part of the normal development of children. All children have tantrums or tantrums, as they are their way of expressing anger or frustration for which they still do not have tools to manage.
By understanding what is happening in children’s brains at that moment, we can better understand why reacting with an aggressive or evasive response is not the way to go and instead we must manage them with respect and empathy.
According to R. Douglas Fields, neuroscientist and author of the book ‘ Why We Snap: Understanding the Rage Circuit in Your Brain ‘ , a tantrum involves two parts of the brain: the amygdala , which is primarily responsible for processing emotions such as fear or anger. ; and the hypothalamus , which in part controls unconscious functions such as heart rate or temperature. Think of the amygdala as the brain’s smoke detector and the hypothalamus as someone deciding whether to put gasoline or water on the fire, with hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.
When the child is faced with a situation that causes frustration or stress, the amygdala detects a threat and the hypothalamus activates the mechanism.
Your child may experience a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, and tight muscles (some children injure themselves). As much as you want to reason with him at the time, don’t expect him to listen to you . The stress response reduces the child’s already limited capacity for self-control, a function generally associated with the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex kicks in when someone feels fear or anger, but contains or controls the feeling to better deal with the immediate situation.
But, as Dr. Fields mentions in NYTimes, the prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until adulthood, and inhibition and impulse control are among the most complicated functions in this part of the brain. “So when you try to reason with a child, you are appealing to a part of the brain that is not fully functioning.”
Acts like the lid on a pressure cooker
A comparison that I think makes us understand very well what happens to the child during a crisis (call him, tantrum, tantrum or stress) and how parents can manage it at that time, is that of a pressure cooker with the prefrontal cortex acting as a lid .
“Right now, the intensity of the feeling overwhelms the child’s ability to organize it, so the feelings become stronger than the lid,” says Dr. Mary Margaret Gleason, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at The Children’s Hospital of The United States. King’s Daughters in Virginia and a consultant at Tulane University.
We, as adults and parents with an already developed brain, can help our child by being the lid of the pot , acting as a substitute for his prefrontal cortex during the moment of crisis.
Managing Tantrums: The Three A’s
Knowing this, what can we parents do? How do we become that lid on the pot that helps calm the child in a moment of crisis?
1) Anticipate anger
We cannot always anticipate our children’s tantrums, -and in fact small doses of frustration are necessary and help them grow-, but many times we can avoid the causes that cause them.
For example, if we know that our son always gets angry at the supermarket because we don’t buy him some cookies or trinkets he wants, we can anticipate. Before you go shopping, outside the supermarket, we explain why we choose not to buy unhealthy foods. Surely he will understand and in the next purchase he will not act the same.
2) Accompany him during the rage
Many think that it is better to leave the child alone until the tantrum subsides, but disengaging is not the solution. If we ignore their crying or anger, they will feel misunderstood and humiliated.
If you stay by his side accompanying him, he will feel that you are there to help him get through the moment.
3) Hugs and empathic words, not punishments
Punishment works like gasoline in a fire. It won’t do any good and will only make the child feel more misunderstood and humiliated. Some children reject physical contact and do not allow themselves to be touched, while others need to feel a hug during that frustrating moment.
Words are also important at that time, and it is better to say nothing than to minimize your feelings with phrases like “nothing happens” or “you get ugly when you cry.” Instead, try saying empathetic phrases like “I understand you” or “here I am.”
When the tantrum passes, and you are calm at home, you can talk about what has made him angry and help him identify the emotions he has had at that time.
We hope that by understanding how the child’s brain works during a tantrum you can better understand their reactions at certain times, and help them manage those moments of frustration with empathy and respect.
Photo | istockphoto and Ba Phi
Via | NYTimes
In Babies and more | Cards to identify emotions and help children express what happens to them: a resource for managing tantrums
