When our children are young, they depend on us for everything, so we strive to take them to school, to all their extracurricular activities, to birthdays and to their particular pajama parties. Because if they come out as outgoing and independent as mine, they will love to enjoy their friends at home too.
This means that we know their friends and their friends’ parents very well and we feel safe knowing who they are going to spend the afternoon or evening with (when they stay out) and that if there is a problem, the hosts will let us know right away.
But things change when they start ESO and they no longer want us to take them to and from the institute and, when they change schools, they make new friends. And there we began to miss part of his life. Maybe other parents call me a controlling (I assure you that those who know me think the opposite) but I still manage to meet not only my teenage son’s new friends, but also his parents.
My son’s relationships and his happiness matter a lot to me
I have never been a good friend of WhatsApp groups or cafes outside school. Yes, I have tried to help my children’s AMPAS and help out, like any parent, at parties. But since they started Infant, many friends have circulated around my house and they still continue to do so , even though my son is already 14 years old.
It is true that you have to deal with “going to sleep, it’s about time” , an accident in the furniture (always accidentally) or “please, lower your voice”. But for me it is gratifying. What father does not like to see his children happy?
I have watched my son’s friends grow up and between his parents and us a bond of trust has been established that allows our children to move from one house to another naturally. There comes a time when we have all set up a great family of friendship and that brings a lot of tranquility …
The same happens with sports colleagues: many mornings have been cold, watching them play, cheering them on, long championships, days waiting for them to come out of training, and that unites a lot. So in the end a union is also created between the parents.
But the end of Primary and the beginning of the institute comes and after two months accompanying him to the door, he asks me to stop doing it. I think: “the center is far from home and at 12 years old it is still too small to go by subway alone .” But he thinks otherwise, so he has to give in. There he meets new guys. I invite you to come home to play, in order to continue being close to my son’s life, but I no longer have his parents located.
They no longer ask us to organize their birthdays so we only see each other at quarter meetings and since we don’t know each other, we don’t know who is whose father. In addition, they are older, which means that there are few of us who attended the second call of the course.
Of course it is not that I do not trust my son, but I like to know if he is okay when he is not with me. Interestingly, none of those parents have ever called me to ask if their son could stay at my house. I’m a weirdo?
When the first gangs arrive
Fortunately, there are always people who surprise you and with whom you come to have more affinity. And that happened to me this summer. Because in addition to childhood friends, sports and high school friends, the first summer gangs also arrive , those that we have all had and that, when they are not with the children of your lifelong friends from the town, it dislodges you. You don’t know anyone!
And taking into account that as you get older they tell you less things and sharing more time and confessions with their ‘colleagues’ , you find one day that you do not know anything about their life, that you have been left aside.
I speak with knowledge of the facts. Because my son has made his first strong gang this summer: boys and girls I know from seeing them with him or when they come to pick him up at home. I ask him about them but he comments on what he wants and he is free, within a schedule, to come and go with them to play sports, go to the beach, have dinner together or just hang out in a group.
So when he asked me to drive him to the house of a friend who lives a few kilometers away, I did so with enthusiasm. But when we meet his friend and his mother, he kisses me on the cheek and runs out of the car with goodbye without giving me time to react, because “you don’t have to get out of the car .” Although, I did not intend to stay without asking their parents how many children were going to be there, what time they had to be picked up …!
To my surprise, the mother of his friend (whom I did not know at all) gets out of the car, approaches me and says: “my son did not want me to talk to you, but for once I can meet the girl! mother of one of his new friends I don’t want to miss it! “.
I loved the initiative. We gave each other the telephones and that same day my son already stayed to sleep at his house and the next day he approached mine. It is true that we are certainly not going to become friends, that we come from different worlds, but we have adolescent children in common whom we adore and for them it is worth staying in touch. And we are. From there, between the two of us we have tried to get to know other parents with apologies such as “you forgot your towel and I bring it to your friend’s pool.” Control? No love.
My reasons for wanting to meet the parents of your new friends
This step forward from Luca’s mother showed me that I am not the only one who likes to know who her son is with and what the world in which he moves is like.
My intention (our intention) is far from the misnamed excess of parental control, nor is it because I do not trust my son (nothing is further from the truth) or because of an eagerness to select with whom he can relate or with whom he cannot .
So what are the reasons? It helps me to feel closer to his life, to know how he is and how they see him when he is not with me , to convince me that when I am not with him (more and more often, because it is the law of life) he will be well, protected and with people who will help and take care of you if you need it. And even when I’m not sure about whether to let him go or not, those parents are there to discuss it together and decide which is the best option among all, precisely so as not to fall into super protection.
The funny thing is that in the end these teenagers do not mind that we interact with the families, but they simply do not see how it can help them, because they no longer need us to take them by the hand from one place to another. So, as long as she leaves me, I plan to continue being that “controlling mother” for some, or that “worried mother” because her child is happy in company and with total security.
I don’t care what other people think. Knowing that he goes with his friends on the subway or that a friend’s parents pick him up from training and bring him home gives me so much peace of mind! And if someone does not understand it, it is their problem. But as I have already commented on some other occasion: “he is no longer a child, but he still needs me just the same .”
Photos | iStock
In Babies and More | These are the rules that a mother imposes on her son’s friends if they want to stay at home to sleep. Why don’t I like them calling adolescence “the age of the turkey”? Having controlling parents in adolescence makes social relationships difficult and educational attainment in adult life
