Much has been written about how birth order influences children’s behavior. And it is that since they are born, our children develop their character based on what surrounds them, influenced by the environment and by the way we address them.
In this way, if adults treat and educate the eldest child according to the stereotype that we usually have in our heads regarding the first-born, the child will grow up based on it. But why is it harmful to grow up assuming a role imposed by the simple fact of being born earlier or later? How can we raise our children without the labels associated with the order of birth?
The labels associated with the birth order
The González family has three children . Arturo is the “toy” of the family; spoiled, cheerful and a boy who always manages to get away with using his charms. Pedro is responsible, autonomous and an example to be followed by his brothers. And Lucas is the most rebellious of the three, somewhat nonconformist and a great negotiator.
Considering these labels, could you tell me the order of birth of Arturo, Pedro and Lucas? I bet you thought that Arturo is the little one, Lucas the middle one, and Pedro the oldest.
And it is that, in general, when we think about the characteristics of the eldest son , adjectives such as responsible, autonomous, hard-working, perfectionist, with the wood of a leader and a desire to improve, come to mind.
On the other hand, we usually associate small characteristics as spoiled, dependent, funny and vivacious, energetic, with a strong personality, cuddly … And as for the medium, we often hang the label of rebels, revolutionaries, mediators, sociable or independent of parents.
Logically, this is not a fixed rule, and there will be adults who do not have these stereotypes internalized and, therefore, do not breed based on them. But in most cases we have so assumed the roles according to the order of birth , that simply by hearing the concepts of “older brother”, “middle brother” or “little brother” our mind immediately associates a series of characteristics with each. That is, we label the child and treat, raise and educate him based on it.
Tips for Raising Without Labels and Roles
With what was stated in the previous section, I have simply intended that we do an exercise of reflection, since we are not always aware of our mental patterns (inherited, most likely, by the way in which we have been raised) and how we treat children. children based on it.
And it is that the labels in childhood are deeply harmful for the child, who will grow and develop his personality according to what others expect of him. In addition, growing up based on a stereotype based on the place of birth can end up affecting the relationship between siblings.
So what can we do to raise and educate without labels, stereotypes, and roles? Here are some tips:
Identify if your children have assumed these roles
If you have identified these roles in your children based on their place in the family (if you have more than three children you may detect these characteristics in groups of siblings), you can help them in the following way:
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Older son : Teach him to handle frustration when things don’t go his way and show him that nothing happens because he is wrong. Let’s not put the pressure on him to have to do everything perfect or be an example to others.
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Middle child : dedicate time exclusively to show him how important he is in the family. Teach him to be unique and special without comparing himself to his brothers or rivaling them.
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Little son : let’s not be permissive with him or give him everything done. It is essential to set limits with respect, show them the importance of their contribution to our family and promote their autonomy.
Out labels and stereotypes
Surely at some point, phrases such as “you have to take care of your siblings, that you are the oldest” , “I already do, that you are very small” , “you should take your older brother as an example. “…. However, we must be aware that this type of sentence makes a dent in the child’s personality , so we must avoid them at all costs and neither allow them in our environment.
Likewise, when talking about our children it is advisable not to refer to them as “eldest son”, “middle son” or “young son”, because by doing so they will end up assuming that this order of birth involves a role that they must adopt simply fact of having been born before or after.
Beware of favorites
Although parents affirm that we love and treat our children equally, without predilection for any one in particular, there are several scientific studies that assure that we have a favorite child. You may not be aware of it, but children have a special radar to detect favorites within the family.
Therefore, be very careful with the way you treat your children, since favoritism generates discomfort and mistrust between siblings , enhances rivalries and makes a dent in their relationship, both in childhood and in adulthood.
Each child is unique
In line with the above, it is also important to be aware that each of our children (we have two, three, four or more) is different from the others and, therefore, will have unique requirements and needs that we must give them.
In this sense, it is advisable to dedicate a little time exclusively to each child, making him see his important role in the family by the simple fact of being who he is , regardless of whether he is the oldest, the middle-aged or the last of seven siblings. Having your space and feeling valued for who you are and how you are, is what matters.
Encourage cooperation
Children need to know that they “belong”; In other words, they can contribute important things to the family and that we take them into account. Therefore, promoting their autonomy (regardless of the order they occupy in the family) and their cooperation is not only crucial for their development and self-esteem, but also for a good family climate and relationships between parents-children and siblings.
Photos | Pexels
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