I confess that until relatively recently I did not give due importance to the need to find moments alone that would allow me to disconnect from the outer maelstrom and connect with myself. I assumed that by becoming a mother I had to give up my own time, and the only moments I had alone were while shopping or taking a quick shower.
I want to make it clear that although I am talking about my experience as a mother, the truth is that the exact same thing happened to my husband, and the scarce time alone or as a couple that we found was always due to the need to do some domestic errand that we could not carry out with our children.
But there came a time when we both realized that things could not continue like this and that finding time for oneself would not only have a positive impact on our physical and emotional well-being, but also on that of our children and on the climate of coexistence of the home.
Enjoying time for me is not going to the supermarket alone
When we become mothers, especially during the first months of our children’s lives, we do everything with them ‘in tow’, as they say colloquially. Eating while we breastfeed our baby, going to the bathroom with our child clinging to our legs or even reaching for a water carrier to be able to take a shower without hearing our child cry, are moments that surely all mothers have lived in several occasions.
This dependence means that not only do we have little time to be alone, but that little time we have is invested in running errands (shopping, going to the bank, cleaning the house …), going to unavoidable appointments (such as going to the doctor or to a tutoring at school) or doing housework. In the best of cases, we can take advantage of that time to take a shower (without entertaining too much because we know that our little ones will not take long to pound on the door) or even go to a physiotherapist to fix our contracted neck (although this is already I consider everything a luxury).
And although in those moments it is more than likely that we will even feel satisfied to be able to do something without the children attached to us, the truth is that it is not exactly that ‘alone time’ that mothers need and that we always recommend.
Whether we work outside, and especially if we work at home (where it is sometimes more difficult to ‘disconnect’ from the environment and relax) it is necessary to organize and find time a day for ourselves. And for this, it is essential to be able to have someone to help you take care of your children and know how to delegate.
In my case, my husband and I decided to organize our schedules so that each day we would both find our longed-for and necessary moment alone. But when this has not been possible, I have had to ask family or friends for help, and I recognize that taking that step took a lot of work.
I suppose it happened to me because of the belief that we fathers and mothers should dedicate ourselves completely to our children , and many times the desire to want to be alone is misinterpreted as something selfish, or as if our children were not important.
In addition, he considered that the help was for those moments of urgency in which you have no choice but to go to others, but he was not aware that it is also urgent to take care of oneself and ensure our own health and emotional well-being.
Because wishing for time alone is not only something that benefits us, but is also good for our children, because our emotional state ends up impacting them and the well-being of the whole family.
It is also important to enjoy time with your partner
Having acquired this habit of daily self-care, my husband and I wanted to do the same with time as a couple. Taking care of the relationship is just as important as spending time alone , although it is also often more difficult to find quality moments, since you cannot always count on a support network to take care of the children.
We start with small plans of just a few hours, like going to the movies or going out to dinner. Little by little we dared with plans that included spending the whole morning or afternoon away from home, until we took the leap of enjoying our first vacation without children, seven years after we became parents.
Until that moment I had not felt comfortable with the idea (it was not easy for me to be separated from my three children for several days, when we had never spent a single night apart), but the experience was so worth it, that since then we have tried to repeat it all the years . Without a doubt, it is something that I recommend to all couples when they both feel ready to take this important step.
In any case, and regardless of the plan that each one chooses, I believe that it is very necessary to find quality time , both for oneself and for the couple. Some days it will be more and others less, but when you manage to respond to this important need, I assure you that a great change occurs.
Photos | iStock
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