Young children cry frequently. When they are babies it is the only way they have to communicate to us that something is wrong (that they are hungry, cold, hot or in pain) and as they grow up they have the ability to explain it, more or less, in their own words.
The first thing we parents usually say when our children cry is “don’t cry”, a somewhat confusing message when in reality what we want is to reassure and contain the child. Inadvertently, we are somehow invalidating his feeling, as if we are asking him not to feel what he is feeling. There are more tools that we can use in these cases.
Instead of “don’t cry” there are some more empathetic phrases that we can say to our children when they cry , these are some of them:
1. “Here I am”
When a child is having a hard time, all they need is to know that their mother and / or father are there to accompany them. Although we cannot prevent them from suffering, what we can do is always be there for them. Tell him.
2. “Cry all you need”
We want children who are able to show their emotions, and not only happiness, but also even when they are sad or having a bad time for some reason. It is positive that they let off steam, that they release the anguish they carry inside while we accompany them.
3. “I understand you”
Sometimes they just need to hear that, that we understand their suffering. As trivial as it may seem to us, it is not to them. Whatever the reason, we should not belittle their feelings or say phrases such as “it is not bad” or “do not cry over that nonsense.
4. “Can I help you with something?”
Children sometimes do not have the ability to solve their own distress. That is why we, the parents, can offer our help to propose solutions until they are able to find them for themselves.
5. “I’m sorry”
We (the parents) may be the cause of her crying over something we have unintentionally said. In that case, asking our children for forgiveness when we make mistakes is not a sign of weakness, but quite the opposite, it is a teaching.
On the other hand, if they are distressed by something external, saying “I’m sorry” is a gesture of empathy towards them. A way of making them see that we understand their feelings.
6. “I hear you”
Sometimes children cry from the frustration of not knowing how to express in words what they feel. Getting at their height, making eye contact, and offering our active listening is one way to open the door to their emotions.
7. “I understand that you feel bad”
One way to connect with them is to use this phrase that implies our support and understanding. By telling them that we understand their feelings, our children will feel more nurtured. It may be the perfect time to tell them about a similar situation that we have gone through, so that they see that mom and dad sometimes have a hard time too.
8. “I understand that it hurts, we are going to heal you”
Children often cry because they have been hit or hurt, to which we immediately say “don’t cry”. Why don’t we change that sentence showing compression and the intention to fix it? This simple change of perspective will make them see that we care about their harm and will make them focus on the solution, the cure.
9. “Let’s solve it together”
Once again, the solution strategy will make them see that, although we cannot avoid the bad, we can find together a way to repair it. When there is a problem, they expect us to support them, understand them and help them find a solution.
10. “Everything will be fine”
A reassuring phrase that we all need to hear when we are sad and that of course also works with young children. We must provide them with containment and serenity, because everything passes.
11. “Tomorrow you will see it with different eyes”
Sometimes children (and adults) shut down completely to a certain situation. As much as we explain the same thing to them over and over again, there is no way they will understand it. A good tip is to step back and reassess it the next day. In this way, we reassure them at the moment and postpone the solution for later.
12. “Take it easy, you’ll do fine”
Knowing that they have our support and trust is key for our children, since in this way they will have security to face adverse situations. Trusting them is half their success.
13. “Now we can’t do what you want, maybe later”
When the crying comes from a tantrum, something quite common when we talk about young children, instead of facing a “do not cry” and further aggravate the tantrum, we can use this phrase.
It is possible that there is a wish of the child that is not possible to carry out, in that case we are respectfully setting a limit, telling them that it is not possible and leaving the possibility open to do it at a more opportune moment.
14. “It won’t always be like this”
Children may relate an event to future situations and become fatalistic, believing that it will repeat itself forever. It is important to reassure them and tell them that it will not always be this way, that things can be modified and solved.
15. “Mom / Dad will be back later”
Especially in young children, separation from parents (especially mother) can be very distressing. When they start kindergarten or when we have to go to work, it is an unpleasant moment for everyone. Telling the child not to cry will not help calm their anguish, instead it will reassure them and tell them that we will come back later.
In Babies and more | “Beautiful two”: the emotional viral video of a father accompanying his daughter during a tantrum
