When we yell at our children we generate, among other things, fear, sadness, anger, low self-esteem and insecurities, loneliness, anxieties, bad example, stress, anger, aggressiveness, etc. And although you may think that they yelled at you and it has not supposed any of this to you, if you reflect on it, you will surely see yourself reflected in moments when you lose your nerves and do not know why you have lost them so soon.
The screams leave a mark on the personality of children and we should avoid them in the education of our children. To achieve this, Tania García , founder of Edurespeta and author of the book ‘Guide for imperfect mothers and fathers who understand that their children are too’ gives us eight keys to educate without screaming. It’s possible!
It is not easy, it will take an effort, but without a doubt the change is for the better. If you propose it is possible to eradicate the screams in the way of raising. What can we change to achieve it? Tania gives us some guidelines to transform this reality and educate without shouting :
Empathy: learn to put yourself in the place of your children
Empathy is the queen of all relationships, without empathy there can be no real relationship. If we do not do this empathic exercise with our children, we will never be able to understand them and, therefore, we will not know what they really need and why they act in one way or another.
Learning to empathize in each and every moment, but even more difficult in difficult moments, will help you not to get carried away by your anger, breathe, reflect and understand that children are children and although we cannot give them what they ask for, yes we understand and support them emotionally.
You must stop looking at your children from adult eyes , and therefore from your inner adult requests and desires, and focus on their inner request. They see life from another perspective and from that same perspective you will have to start looking at yourself, so that everything is cohesive, calm and positive in your home.
For example, your 7-year-old son does not want to go to school because it is Friday and he is very tired from the whole week and now he is crying desperately asking not to go. Without empathizing, you would lose patience at the first change, you would tell him to stop complaining that you are going to be late, and that you have to be responsible, even if you don’t want to. Instead, if you empathize, reflect, and calm your first impulse, you simply have to leave your emotions behind and connect with his. And even if you have to go to school in the same way, you will go together, feeling supported by each other and he understood. Empathy will give you the key to open all the doors.
Set an example: you are the mirror
You are the mirror where your children look at each other, you are their guide, their most precious treasure. That is why if I had to choose an important tool to educate children, it would be precisely to set a good example.
Through example we can teach not to yell, to treat people well even in the most tense moments, to eat healthy, to brush our teeth, to support the people we love, to respect everyone and everything, etc. Never do to your children what you don’t like them to do to you , because then that is the example you are setting. And although we are human, there are limits that should never be crossed and in this way we teach our sons and daughters not to cross them.
Know your adult emotions
Know and acknowledge your emotions and manage them before it’s too late. Humans are emotional beings, we depend on our emotions in all the actions we perform and in all the situations we live in.
When we wake up in the morning, we feel; when we talk to our mother, we feel; when we watch a movie, we feel, and, of course, when we interact with our children, we feel. That is why we must always be aware of what we feel , of the reasons we have to feel it and of what what we feel causes us to do.
Being totally connected with what we feel when our three-year-old daughter hits her cousin at the family reunion is very important to manage the situation correctly. You may be thinking: “I am angry that he does this, it makes me look bad, like a mother with a rude child.” If you allow yourself to be guided by this thought, you will end up screaming in anger.
You must feel it and recognize what is happening to you internally as well, you must have control over what is happening to you and how you manage the situation. It is important to know in depth what we feel and how it develops outwardly in order to be friends with your children’s annoyances even though now it seems impossible and therefore have enough peace of mind and tools to teach your daughter what is right and what is wrong, help her to curb her aggressiveness or anger, from common sense, with good manners, an appropriate tone of voice and empathy.
Before exploding, reflect
Reflection is almost impossible if we do not know our own emotions, therefore, it is important to achieve goals and realize that one thing leads to another.
Once you know what is happening to you and why, you are able to control yourself , it is time to breathe deeply and reflect on whether that situation is so important or serious or is something purely for children and that only takes me out of my mind. boxes for my adult vision.
If it is something to which we must pay attention, as parents we must relax our emotion and solve the problem from empathy and coherence.
Accompany the emotions of your children
You should offer them emotional support for whatever reason they get angry, frustrated, or exploited. It is essential in our children’s lives to feel unconditionally loved through thick and thin. This does not mean that we applaud some incorrect act, but it does mean that they feel that we are there, that we do not share their way of expressing their anger, but that we are for that, to guide them along the way with common sense and coherence.
When our children go through difficult times and intense emotions, we must show support, dedication and attention, physical contact if they accept it, real information about what is happening, protection, words of understanding and affection, empathy, respect, guidance, common sense and love, a lot of love. Love is never too much. We should never confuse emotional support with permissiveness .
Positive dialogue
It is important to be aware that we must respect our children at all times , words matter and not only what we say to them, but also how. You have to dialogue calmly, with a calm and positive tone of voice, looking into their eyes and putting yourself at their level.
You have to give empathetic explanations and that, in turn, you can understand according to the stage in which you are. A dialogue in which the screams, threats, blackmails, comparisons and labels that cause so much damage and that only separate us from our children and their real emotional needs are totally discarded.
Hear them from the heart
Many times we go with the schedule so full of chores that we forget to listen to our children actively and from the heart . If we stopped to listen to the children from an empathic and temperate perspective, we would notice so many details and we would have so much valuable information regarding their emotions and their day to day life. By listening a lot to our children, without judgment, we can avoid many undesirable situations and conflicts with them.
And if you scream, know how to ask for forgiveness
If we have failed to keep self-control at bay and have yelled or mishandled the situation, we must ask for forgiveness. We all value very much that people apologize to us when they make mistakes with us, however, we do not usually do it with those we love the most: our children . Do not be afraid to ask for forgiveness, this is how they will learn to apologize when necessary.
Photos | iStockphoto
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