We know that families are configured in multiple ways, and more so today, where, for example, in Spain there were 86,851 divorces in 2021, 12.5% more than in the previous year (according to data from the National Institute of Statistics or INE).
Also according to the INE, shared custody was granted in 43.1% of divorce cases and separation of couples with children. And globally, we know that separations and divorces are also the order of the day.
For all these reasons, it is easy to understand that more and more people with children are pairing up again, and that they are also doing so with people who also have children. These changes are important for children and adolescents, and sometimes things go smoothly, and the children and those of the couple get along; but unfortunately this is not always the case.
We talk in this article about this situation: “my children and those of my partner do not get along” . Why can it happen and what can we do to improve the situation a little and bring positions closer together?
My children and my partner’s children do not get along: possible causes
As we said, the children of the new couple and their own do not always have a good relationship, and there are many variables involved in it. The causes of this bad relationship can be multiple; some of the most frequent are:
- They are different ages (or the same age, which leads them to compare themselves, to be jealous or afraid that the father or mother will become attached to the child of their new partner, etc.).
- They have different (or incompatible) interests or ways of being .
- There is a theme of jealousy in the background (either jealousy because the parents themselves get along with each other’s children, or jealousy because of the current partner of the father or mother).
- If it has occurred, they have experienced the separation from their parents (each on their own) in a different and/or traumatic way (this is especially important if the separation has been recent).
Children’s fears and beliefs
Beyond these possible causes, it is also important to bear in mind that children sometimes find it difficult to understand that we have remade our life with another person, and if they also have children, things can get complicated.
At that time, fears may arise in them, or they think that the affection of their father or mother will now be divided. They may also be afraid that the other parent will feel bad that they get along with the children of their ex’s new partner (even if they are unfounded fears). There it is very important to talk about it with them and clarify things.
The importance of understanding our son
However, we have to put ourselves in their place and understand that this situation is new for them, and that perhaps it collides with some beliefs they have about the idea of family (for this reason, we should also work on these ideas with them).
And above all, we must understand that all this is a process , that there are many changes, and therefore, it will be important to adapt to the rhythm of our children.
What to do to improve the family situation?
1. Do not force
It’s important that your children don’t feel obligated to get along with your partner’s children. Do not force any situation, try to be honest with this and understand that these things must flow by themselves.
I’m sure you don’t have a feeling with a lot of people , and it’s normal; we cannot like everyone (or vice versa). Well, the same thing happens to children. However, one thing is not having a feeling or not getting along and the other is getting along badly, not supporting each other or being involved in discussions, fights and constant anger… What is the situation?
Value it, and if we talk about the second case, sometimes it is necessary to favor shared moments to talk about the subject or to bring positions closer together.
2. Favor timeshare
One thing is to force or compel and the other is to promote or favor certain situations. For example, instead of forcing your son to go to an activity where your partner’s children are, think of it as something he can choose, as an activity that you can enjoy as a family.
It is about finding activities that may be of interest to both parties (that is, for their children and yours), but we insist, without forcing anything. The children have to understand that “nothing is expected of them”, only that they be respectful and that they can give themselves the opportunity to get to know the other children better, for example.
3. Let them know you understand them
By this we do not mean that you simply accept that they do not get along, or that you justify behavior that is not appropriate, for example, but rather that you put yourself in your child’s (or children’s) place and try to understand them. It is as important that you understand him as that you transmit it to him.
Have a conversation with him, ask him what he thinks, what he doesn’t like about your partner’s children, or the reasons why he thinks he doesn’t feel good with them, how he feels, etc.
Maybe it’s the other kids who don’t get along with yours (which is why it’s important to have this conversation). Doing this may not change the situation, but at least your child will feel more accompanied.
4. Talk to your partner
It is just as important to talk to your children as it is to talk to your partner. Maybe you can exchange opinions and find a solution to the situation. Also, assess to what extent they don’t get along, or to what extent the situation is worrying or it’s just that the boys have had their “rifi-rafe”.
5. Relativize
It is about trying to understand that this situation, even if it is not easy to deal with, or even if it worries us or generates some discomfort or discomfort, is not the end of the world. With this we do not mean that you downplay your family situation , because it does, but that you try to relativize the situation and understand that perhaps what children need is time.
6. Give them time
If your children and those of your partner have only recently known each other, and they have not started off on the right foot, be patient and give them a little time. And especially if we are talking about a situation of coexistence, where the children of both share space and a lot of time together. They need to adapt to the new situation.
7. Make them understand that there are things that will not change
Especially if the reasons why your children do not get along with those of your partner are jealousy, it is important that you make your children understand that there are things that will not change, such as the love you feel towards them .
Also make them understand that you will continue to spend time with them individually, although sometimes you do activities together as a family. They don’t have to worry about that.
8. The goal: a respectful relationship
Finally, we believe it is important to emphasize that the objective many times will not be “that the children of both get along very well”, but that they tolerate, accept and respect each other .
In short, have a cordial relationship that allows you all to do things as a family without having a bad time. For this reason, do not be blind to the fact that they have to get along yes or yes, because perhaps the only thing missing is this mutual respect for coexistence to be good.
Photos | Cover (Freepik)
