Is it possible to be friends with an ex ? It depends on why we want to continue the relationship, according to a study carried out by psychologists at the University of Kansas (USA). Previous research has suggested that around 60% of people decide to stay friends after a breakup. “Staying friends with your ex is a very pervasive phenomenon in society,” says Rebecca Griffith, leader of the work that publishes Personal Relationships magazine.
The fact that it is habitual does not have to be positive, since these friendships are not always successful.
In the study, researchers developed a way to examine the reasons why a person would want to continue the friendship after ending a romantic relationship. In an experiment, which included more than 170 women and more than 110 men, the experts tested this new measurement technique, which consisted of several questionnaires. In a second experiment, with about 300 women and almost 250 men, they confirmed that the questionnaires worked, confirming the previous results.
Psychologists discovered 4 main reasons why someone decides to remain friends with an ex after a breakup. The findings were presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association (APA).
The first reason is security: a person decides to continue the friendship with their former partner because he or she does not want to lose their ex’s emotional support, advice, or trust.
The second reason is that it is practical to maintain a friendship : there may be financial reasons to remain friends; Or maybe if there are little ones involved, it is also practical to maintain the friendship with the ex-partner.
The third reason is courtesy. Wanting to be polite and not hurt the feelings of other people can also be a strong reason to maintain the friendship with the ex.
The fourth and final reason is that we may still have some romantic feelings for an ex.
The researchers found that the reason people decide to remain friends after breaking up is associated with how long the friendship will last and how positive it will be for oneself.
People who decided to continue the friendship for practical reasons were the most successful, according to the study. These friendships lasted a long time and were considered positive (meaning that the friendship made a person feel safe and happy).
When they remained friends for safety-related reasons, the resulting friendships tended to be positive.
Regarding unresolved romantic desires, this reason was associated with more negative feelings, but paradoxically with longer friendships. In other words, “even though you’re not reaping any benefit from friendship, it tends to stick around longer,” Griffith clarifies.
Generally speaking, two of the reasons we want to remain friends with an ex are related to emotional needs (security and unresolved romantic desires) and two of the reasons are not (practical reasons and courtesy) represent non-emotional reasons. which are ultimately linked to a more successful friendship.
Reference: Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes. Personal Relationships 2017. DOI: 10.1111 / pere.12197
