Complaining at a given moment is completely normal . Complaints help us to let off steam and it is human to verbalize our discomfort when we feel that we can no longer.
But it is also important to seek solutions and not fall into the habit of constantly complaining, because by doing so we not only run the risk of anchoring ourselves in the negative, but also of emotionally harming the people who listen to us complain over and over again.
This advice becomes even more relevant when it is our children who hear us complain continuously, and even more so when it is our partner and father/mother of the children who we complain about .
And it is that when we talk about raising and educating children, reproaches to the other parent for not doing things as we do, are usually the order of the day. But no matter how subtle our protests may seem, we should never complain about our partner in front of the children . You want to know why?
The complaint establishes us in pessimism and helplessness
To begin with, and as we have commented on many occasions, parents are the mirror in which our children look at themselves from birth. They learn everything from us, from the way of seeing and understanding the world, to social norms or how they should relate to others.
In this sense, if they listen to their father or mother continually complain (it doesn’t matter what or who), we will not be teaching them to seek solutions to conflicts, to express themselves with respect and assertiveness, or to control their emotions.
Complaints do not solve problems
Children must understand that it is one thing to externalize our discomfort at a given moment, and quite another to constantly complain without filters . Because the complaint, when it is just that, is something not very functional that does not help us at all.
Behind a complaint there is often a real demand , a need that has to be covered, so the only way to solve the problem is by talking about it with the other party and seeking agreements together.
This is the best example we can give our children.
Children should not be witnesses of couple conflicts
When it comes to raising and educating children, there may be behaviors or ways of acting of our partner with which we do not agree or even especially bother us. But if there is something that must prevail above all, it is mutual respect.
Of course we can have discrepancies, and nothing happens if at a given moment we show disagreement with our partner in front of the children . But it is important that these discussions be done with absolute respect, leaving empty complaints and reproaches aside, and focusing on finding constructive solutions.
In addition, we must not lose sight of the fact that we are a team pulling in the same direction for the good of the children, and not two people at war trying to beat each other with criticism.
Criticism labels people
Complaints and daily reproaches of the style “you are exaggerated!”, “you are pampering him too much”, “he does not behave like that with me” “ either I take care of everything , or this is a disaster”, “you are not paying attention” , “but how do you think of dressing the child like that?”, “they were almost asleep, but you arrive and stir them up”. .. are the order of the day in most houses.
But leaving aside the discomfort that this type of criticism can cause in those who receive it (after all, they are judgments that we make towards the other’s way of raising children), the problem is that when we complain like this in front of the children We are making them gradually forge an image of their father or mother based on the labels they listen to us.
But also, let’s reflect, how many of these complaints contribute to perpetuate gender stereotypes related to motherhood and fatherhood? Is that what we want to pass on to our children?
Your child will feel upset
Criticizing your partner in front of the children , discrediting their way of raising or educating, laughing or making a derogatory comment in the presence of the children, is devastating for them .
And it is that dad and mom are the most important people in their life, whom they love with all their soul and their great references, so hearing something negative from either of them will cause them deep sadness, anger or discomfort.
Of course we can all make mistakes at some point, and it is good and healthy to admit it! But we should never highlight the failures of the other parent to our children , because even if we fail or do not do things perfectly, we always act for the good of our children.
In short, parenting is exhausting and sometimes causes misunderstandings between both parents. It is normal that at a given moment we lose our temper and end up complaining or criticizing the other party, but this should not become a habit, and even less so in front of the children.
Photos | Cover (iStock); Photo 1 (Photo by Vidal Balielo Jr. in Pexels); Photo 2 (Tatiana Syrikova in Pexels)
In Babies and More | Now I understand why many couples separate when they have children. What to do when the couple argues about the children? The hamburger technique, Separation with children: when the couple separates, they must remain parents
