The way we bond as adults is determined, in large part, by how our attachment has developed in childhood.
Attachment is the first affective bond , in addition to the most important bond, in the relationship of any baby and of any child, which depends a lot on the affective quality of the main caregivers, especially the mother.
Helping to build a secure attachment in your children will improve their self-esteem, confidence, and autonomy . In addition, it will help them build the skills they need to manage their emotions and to cultivate their personal security.
And, as we said, if the attachment is secure, your child will be more likely to establish healthy relationships with others; that socialize from curiosity and love and not from fear of abandonment or need.
What is attachment?
As we can see, affective bonds are part of the child’s development project. People at birth have basic needs that must be satisfied in order to survive and adapt, such as:
- Physiological needs.
- Need to feel protected from real or imagined dangers.
- Need to explore your environment.
- Need to play.
- Need to establish emotional ties.
In psychology, attachment theory holds that among all these needs, bonding prevails over all others . If the child manages to establish an affective bond with one or more adults, the rest of the needs will be covered.
Attachment is the special relationship that the child establishes independently with the mother, the father and the small group of people who live with him.
It is the affective bond that a person forms between himself and another (in animals it also exists). But what about secure attachment? What is it?
Secure attachment
Secure attachment is one that allows babies to actively explore while alone with the mother, father, or attachment figure; separation from her makes them uneasy, and they seek affective physical contact upon her return, which reassures them.
When children grow and continue to develop their secure attachment, this l is allows them to connect in a healthy way with others and be autonomous people with a good level of self-esteem and personal security.
With secure attachment, children know they can turn to the main figure for help or support, yet they feel increasingly autonomous.
According to the research available so far, approximately 60% of the population has a secure attachment , while the remaining 40% has an insecure attachment.
Eight keys to promoting secure attachment in your children
There are some keys that can help us promote secure attachment in our children, from birth and as they grow . Which are? How to put them into practice? We tell you!
Offer them a lot of love and affection
Love is essential for the development of secure attachment. Therefore, give your children that love they deserve, through: attention, affection, caresses, kisses …
And it is that love and affection are the bases from which a healthy attachment is built, which will allow children to bond also from love and not from fear or need, when they are older.
Tune in to them: identify their emotions and needs
When it comes to promoting a secure attachment in children, it is important to be able to identify well what they need (to be able to provide it) or what they feel at all times (to be able to accompany them emotionally). For this, empathy can be a good tool.
When they are younger, and when they have not yet developed oral language, this task may be a little more difficult; then we will have to identify other signals to connect with their emotional state (facial expression, behaviors, etc.)
Respect their emotions
Beyond identifying your emotions, it will also be essential to respect, accept and validate them.
Sometimes the way of expressing the emotion will not be the most appropriate; However, it will be important that we work in that form of management , and not so much in wanting to change the emotion (for example, anger or anger).
Show your availability
Children need, and especially babies, need primary caregivers to meet their basic needs, physically and emotionally.
For this reason, it is important that both the father and the mother are present and available to them both physically and emotionally.
Set healthy limits
Children need limits to grow and develop, to learn what is right and what is not, etc. This helps them develop a secure attachment as well.
Thus, the establishment of these limits should be an aspect to work at home . How to set limits in a healthy way?
Saying “no” accompanying that “no” with a coherent and sensible explanation that they can understand. According to Rafael Guerrero Tomás, psychologist and Doctor of Education, in this way what we are doing is telling them, implicitly, “I won’t let you do X things because I love you.”
Explain what they don’t understand
It is important to nurture curiosity in children during their growth, from when they are very young. To do this, as parents, answer their questions, their doubts, explain everything they do not understand.
Always adapting our language and explanation to their age , evolutionary stage and personal characteristics. Let’s not forget that information also gives children security, and the feeling of security is part of secure attachment.
Accept your children fully
Acceptance and unconditional love will strengthen your child’s self-esteem and, consequently, your bond, your attachment.
Therefore, accepting your child, with his virtues and his points of improvement , unconditionally, is one more step towards building that secure attachment for him.
Stimulates their autonomy
Let’s not forget that a secure attachment is one that allows the child to explore the environment knowing that when he returns, he will have his “secure base” (the figure of the main caregiver).
For this reason, it is also important to promote the autonomy of your children; let them learn things for themselves, let them explore, investigate, experiment, and make mistakes.
“We humans are always looking for the warmest attachments we can imagine.”
-Bonnie Badenoch-
Photos | Cover (pexels), Image 1 (pexels), Image 2 (pexels)
Babies and More | Are you a ‘velcro mom’? When your baby does not want to be separated from you, “Secure attachment is the one that suits our society.” Interview with the psychologist Teresa GarcÃa
