Everyone, both adults and children and adolescents, will have to face different losses of loved ones, throughout our lives. The death of a loved one has an undeniable impact on each one of us, and in the face of a loss of this kind, we begin a grieving process.
Grief is adaptation to loss, a natural reaction that involves diverse emotions and behaviors. In children, it is important to accompany them in this grieving process and show them our availability to solve doubts and above all, so that they can feel our love and accompaniment.
At this point, it will be important to convey the message that, even if we say goodbye to a loved one, their memories will always remain to honor them , as well as everything that that person gave us in life.
But how do you help children cope with the death of a loved one? We talk about nine keys that can help you.
Do not delay the news
It is important to communicate the news of the death of the loved one as soon as possible. But not at any time, but at the right time, looking for the moment to do it.
How will we do it? Through an easy, simple, understandable and age-appropriate language. It is important not to use euphemisms or set phrases. On the other hand, if death was already anticipated, it will be important to prepare the child. For example, giving you the opportunity to visit the sick person.
Accompany him in his emotions
It is also advisable to accompany the child in his emotions, observe him and detect when he may feel sad, angry … Respect their rhythms, do not judge them and above all, do not add pressure of any kind so that they “become well again”.
In this sense, it is important that they live the loss to process and integrate it little by little, and that they express everything they need.
Solve your doubts
Depending on the age of the children, they understand and experience death in a different way, more or less mature. It is important to adapt to their evolutionary moment and resolve their possible doubts about the concept of death, through a simple language that they can understand.
And above all, do not use euphemisms such as “he has slept forever”, “he has gone on a trip to a distant place”, etc. Thus, we will not hide the truth from them , although we will use a language adapted to their age, above all, that they can understand so as not to generate more confusion.
Go recovering the routines
Children need a sense of familiarity and structure, and routines are well suited for this. So sticking to routines will give children a sense of security .
At this point, it is not about resuming life as if nothing had happened, but about going little by little, resuming daily tasks, school, etc.
To do this, you can help us anticipate what will happen from now on, with possible changes if there are any, and highlighting the things that will continue as usual (that helps them feel safe).
Keep in mind that there are normal behaviors
Faced with the death of a loved one, it is normal for children to be afraid of losing other loved ones, or that they need more attention, that they show regressive behaviors, that already overcome fears reappear, that certain somatizations appear (for example, tummy aches ), etc.
All of this is part of the grieving process. It is important to take this into account and also respect these behaviors, attending them of course but without alarming or pressuring us.
Let him know that you are by his side
When accompanying a child in a process of mourning for the death of a loved one, it is also essential to let him know that we are by his side , that we understand him in his suffering and that we empathize with him.
Some phrases that we can use are: “I understand how you can feel; I am here for whatever you need”, “what happened is very sad, but we are in this together”, “the death of this person also makes me sad “,” We can talk when you need it or when you are calmer, whenever you want.
Express how you feel too
For children to normalize the healthy expression of emotions , it is important that we be a model for them, and therefore, that we also show what we feel.
Many times, they tend to think, erroneously, that if they do not see us cry, they will not suffer; but the truth is that crying is a way of saying “you can do it too if you need it, you are in a safe place to do it”, “you have the right to express how you feel, to be sad, angry …”.
And we are thus normalizing the expression of sadness in a healthy way. In fact, not showing how we feel can lead them to the mistaken belief that it is not okay to show emotions; and that will lead them to repress their emotions, which is not good for them.
Logically, we will also have to find our own moments of loneliness to manage the loss.
Do not restrict their emotional expression
In line with the previous point, it is essential to give children the confidence to express their emotions . Sometimes we unconsciously tell them “don’t cry” (because we don’t want to see them suffer, and that’s normal); But precisely, in order to get better every day, they will need to cry and express their emotions.
Therefore, do not limit them; accompany them from the presence and with the message that you will be here whenever they need it. Keep in mind that expressing your emotions is essential to process the loss and integrate it little by little. Therefore, it validates their emotions and helps them express them, either with words, drawings, music …
Do a ritual
Farewell rituals help us to symbolize certain aspects of our life, to say goodbye, to honor the being that has left … If we do rituals, it is important to make them participate in the process if they wish.
And we are not only talking about going or not to the funeral home, but also about the possibility of performing a small home ritual at home , for example, writing a letter to the deceased person, putting a photo with flowers or candles, listening to their favorite song, reading him a few words, etc.
Thus, as a ritual, we can also find a comfortable place, at home or elsewhere, to evoke what we feel for that person, name certain memories, thank him for what he gave us …
Funeral home: yes or no?
Whenever the children wish (if appropriate, we will explain what it is to go to the funeral home, the cemetery, always solving all their doubts), they should be able to go to the funeral home with us.
Rituals serve to close stages and is a symbol that helps us start the grieving process and digest the loss, also for children.
Forbidding them to go if they feel like it is counterproductive, because it limits the possibility of saying goodbye. If once at the funeral home, they do not wish to see the deceased person, we will respect their decision.
“There are no goodbyes between us. Wherever you are, I will carry you in my heart.”
-Gandhi-
Photos | Cover (freepik), Image 1 (freepik), Image 2 (pexels), Image 3 (pexels), Image 4 (freepik)
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