It is a reality: children need to feel loved and validated in order to build a healthy and strong self-esteem, as well as a solid and adequate self-concept (that is, the image they form of themselves). And we achieve this in part thanks to positive reinforcement during parenting.
In this article we focus on a specific type of reinforcement: verbal social reinforcement, which encompasses all those praises and compliments that we issue to children during their development.
We reflect on to what extent it is beneficial for children to be reinforced with these types of words and when it could harm them; also, on how to find the middle ground between reinforcing and preventing them from getting used to that reinforcement until they become dependent on it.
Praise and Praise: Positive Reinforcement in Parenting
Technically, we speak of positive reinforcement to refer to all those elements that increase the probability of the appearance of a response.
In other words, they are “all those things” that we can do as parents (and that children can also do, through self-reinforcement), and that help them to consolidate behaviors and make them appear more frequently.
However, this definition is a bit technical, and in other words and in broad strokes, we can also speak of reinforcing as a synonym of valuing our little ones .
Thus, in general we talk about behaviors considered positive, such as: being polite, sitting well at the table, saying thank you, doing homework , learning to brush one’s teeth… There are an infinite number of behaviors that we can reinforce in children. children during parenting, and positive reinforcement is a very good resource for this.
Within the types of reinforcements, we find reinforcements of a different nature; Praise and praise are social reinforcers.
How can praise help or hurt if misused?
Benefits of Praise
When we praise our children (if these praises are not systematic), we are reinforcing their behavior and boosting their self-esteem.
Thus, among the benefits of praise we find that they make children feel recognized and valued ; it is a way of validating and empowering their behavior. This is good for your self-esteem, your self-concept, and your personal security.
However, when we talk about praising, we are not just referring to telling our child “how well you did this exercise, how good you are at it”, for example; We also talked, and following the example, of making him see that thanks to his effort, dedication, concentration and perseverance, he has solved the exercise.
Disadvantages of constant praise
However, we must not make the mistake of systematically praising children for their actions. Why? Because then they can get used to such praise and even become dependent on it.
And even, always waiting for them, to the point where if at a given moment we “forget” to praise them, they can feel very bad. Because they expected that praise. And on the other hand, the reinforcement can end up losing effectiveness from using it so much.
For this reason, it is good for their development to acquire the habit of receiving compliments and praise but in moderation, so that they also learn to reinforce themselves and not depend on external factors to feel good about themselves.
Then, how do we do it? We give you some keys to use positive reinforcement effectively and without abusing it.
How to find the middle ground and use positive reinforcement effectively?
1. Help him find ways to reinforce himself
On the other hand, it is also important to help children find ways to strengthen themselves (we can accompany them without “giving it all done”, and thus we take advantage of the occasion to enhance their autonomy).
This will help them not rely on our praise for self-motivation. In what ways can children be reinforced? Actually, the same way we would. For example:
- Verbally ( tell themselves “I’m so good at this!” , or “I’m so good at doing this”, “I’m proud of myself…”).
- In other ways: looking for small reinforcements, for example; when I finish my homework I will have some time to play, if I learn to dress myself I will only be able to choose the clothes that I want…
2. Encourage him to identify his strengths
It is important to keep in mind that the first step before applying the previous point will be for your child to learn to identify everything that he is good at, and also what he makes an effort and persists in (although he is not always good at it). , all their small advances, strengths, learning, etc.
3. Reinforce with a sense: some examples
On the other hand, when we use the different reinforcers, it is important not to limit ourselves to emitting them (for example, saying “as you have done your homework well, let’s go to the movies”). It is about giving them a meaning , a relationship with the behavior (that is, adapting the reinforcer).
For example, if our child has taken good care of the plants, we can say, “You’ve done a great job of taking care of the plants! How about we go on a field trip to a botanical garden this weekend and learn more about plants?” .
Or if he has taken very good care of the family dog, and has remembered to feed him, has played with him, has pampered him… we can reinforce him by saying: “How well you have taken care of [dog’s name]! If want we can go together to walk it to the place that you most want”. These are just examples, but we can use reinforcers in almost any situation.
4. Make sure he is aware of his achievement
Finally, remember that it is important to make the child see what he has achieved ; that is, not limiting ourselves to praising a behavior without more, but making sure that he is aware of that achievement or that good behavior, that he values it, that it makes him feel good and that is why he wants to repeat it.
5. Reinforces some behaviors, but not all
It is clear that your child will do a thousand things well, and it is important to appreciate his progress, his efforts to improve and learn… However, it is not essential that you reinforce absolutely all his achievements, since he also has to learn to reinforce himself himself no longer always expect “something from outside”.
6. Alternate social reinforcement with other types of reinforcement.
Combine social reinforcement (such as praise and praise) with other types of reinforcement to prevent your child from getting used to it . You can use any of the compliments mentioned above (verbal, material, activity…).
7. Practice intermittent reinforcement; Sometimes yes sometimes no
Intermittent reinforcement is a technique that consists of reinforcing appropriate behaviors when they appear, but not always. I mean, sometimes yes and sometimes no.
It is a very effective strategy to establish and maintain behaviors and learning that we want to promote , since the child does not always expect reinforcement and then, when he has it, it is very powerful.
The importance that your self-esteem also depends on internal factors
In short, what we are looking for is that children learn to reinforce their own behavior, to love themselves (and that this love is also built from within) and that they do not depend on praise to feel unique.
Therefore, we must ensure that their self-esteem also depends on internal factors. And this is built from the image they have of themselves , the language they use to talk to themselves (internal dialogue) and to talk about how they are (how do they see themselves in the mirror? how do they draw themselves?), from the fact of learning to identify their strengths, etc.
And remember, you can help him on that path to self-knowledge and self-love! Let the praise be a piece of that puzzle, but not the whole puzzle; the whole puzzle has to be built by our children little by little.
Photos | Cover (Pexels)
