Surely you have ever witnessed a situation like this, or you have reproduced it yourself: scolding children in public, in front of others. And don’t feel bad if you’ve ever done it, we’re human.
However, it is interesting to reflect on the consequences of this if we want to be aligned with respectful and conscious parenting.
We talked about why you shouldn’t scold your child in public , the benefits of talking things over in private, and how to rephrase criticism so your child receives it constructively (and learns, too).
Why you shouldn’t scold your child in public
1. The behavior will not change
Your son will not improve his behavior because you scold him in public, on the contrary, it can get worse. He thinks that if you scold him in public, he will feel bad, and may even be embarrassed .
Also, scolding does not imply an alternative model of behavior, so your child “will not learn anything.” Better opt for other strategies.
2. You are exposing him
If you scold your child in public, he is likely to feel bad, embarrassed or even humiliated (especially if there are friends in front of him, people he knows or a lot of people). In a way, you are exposing it, and you can do the exact same thing but when you are alone.
3. You make it difficult to build your referral group
For children it is important to build a reference group with which they feel identified and protected, that is, their models; Your role models can be your teachers, your parents, and even some of your friends.
But if you show off, scold or correct your child in public, this process can be difficult, because he will lose confidence in himself and also in that reference group that is you. With these words, Guila Sosman, psychologist and professor at the Universidad del PacÃfico affirms:
“When you belittle your son or daughter in the presence of other people, you psychologically violate him because you prevent him from building a reference group that gives him acceptance and love for his development.”
4. You do not respect their privacy
By scolding children in public, we are not respecting their right to privacy. Thus, there are things that can be said in front of other people and others that are better not (out of respect for that privacy; let us think that the behavior that we consider inappropriate of our son, is part of his privacy , and third parties do not have to find out) .
5. You promote feelings of sadness and insecurity
By scolding your child in public you are promoting in him feelings such as sadness or personal insecurity. Even if you use “good manners” to tell him things, if you do it publicly, he will feel singled out , which has an impact on his emotions and self-esteem.
6. Other ways of acting will be better for your self-esteem
If instead of scolding your child in public, you tell him what you think in private, he will feel better, and his self-esteem will not be affected by exposure to others.
On the other hand, he thinks that for children their parents are their “safe zone” , and therefore they expect to feel safe with them in their interactions.
Also, if you talk about things in private, you give him the opportunity to express himself more freely, in an intimate and safe space.
Benefits of talking things over in private
On the other hand, discussing things in private with your child will make him feel safe even if he is receiving a comment that may not be to his liking.
And on the other hand, in that space you will feel calm to respond and express how you feel , why you have acted that way, and to reflect (together) on other forms of behavior.
Remember that punishing, scolding or reproaching is not educating; With these actions, although it is normal to carry them out from time to time, in reality we do not “teach” something new to our child. We do tell them what NOT to do, but it is also important to convey what we expect of them and make sure they understand it.
How to “scold” in a respectful way?
More than scolding, the ideal is to offer behavior guidelines, talk things over and explain why one behavior is inappropriate or reprehensible and another is not.
Definitely; educate our son from love and understanding and transmit what we expect of him , offering him resources that help him improve if he does not have them or if he is still too young to acquire certain habits.
What should we take into account when doing all this? Some guidelines that can help us keep in mind are:
- Tell him things at the right time , otherwise you will generate confusion; for example, if he has run a lot at home and has broken something, tell him right away, don’t wait for dinner because then the thread is lost.
- Explain things clearly : what do I expect from your behavior (and very importantly, why do I expect it? Why is it important that you “behave this way or that way”? Children need to understand in order to learn (without falling into over-justifications); It is not enough to say “not that”.
- Do not resort to emotional blackmail , physical punishment, insults or swearing.
- Offer an alternative to his behavior so that he learns what to do on future occasions.
- If he breaks something, give him the message that he needs to fix it (with your help if he needs it) (this is known as overcorrecting).
- listen to him ; why has he done this and not that? Is it because of a lack of resources or for other reasons?
- Disqualify your child’s specific behavior, not your child (avoid labeling!).
- The message must be consistent and the reprimand proportional to the action. And remember, you are his role model, lead by example of the things you want him to replicate as well.
