Adolescence is a complex stage where changes are multiple. The adolescent who enters this stage enters a reality full of fluctuations that make him have to face new situations with himself, the family and the external world.
Through this confrontation with the new reality, the challenge of adapting to it is presented. But how will the teenager do it? Through the elaboration of the three duels of adolescence , a theory proposed by the psychoanalysts Armida Aberastury and Mauricio Knobel.
With its achievement, the adolescent configures his new personality and identity, and, ultimately, grows up.
What three duels are we talking about and what are their characteristics? What changes will the adolescent suffer in the area of the body , his role and identity and the new figure of the parents? How to accompany our son in this process? We give you the keys.
What is dueling?
We define mourning, in the words of Freud (1971), neurologist and father of psychoanalysis, as ” the reaction to the loss of a loved one or an equivalent abstraction (the country, freedom, the ideal, etc.) “.
In other words; it is the psychological and natural reaction to a significant loss in our lives, and we will all grieve differently throughout it.
The three duels of adolescence, although they involve complicated and hard changes to go through, also entail the emergence of a wonderful being, full of learning, who our son will become. So we must understand grief as something natural and necessary, and above all, healthy, not as something “negative”.
The three duels of adolescence
Armida Aberastury, an Argentine psychoanalyst, and Mauricio Knobel, a doctor and psychoanalyst, in 2010 developed a theory that proposed that adolescents faced three duels during their beginning and journey through this vital stage: dueling for the body, dueling for identity (and the infantile role) and mourning for infantile parents .
After these duels, the adolescent could already enter the adult stage.
The duel for the body
We know that the passage from puberty to adolescence entails multiple physical and hormonal changes.
These are rapid and significant changes to the body, and the adolescent may feel that these changes are foreign and external to him. You can even feel identified in a role more of an observer than a protagonist, while experiencing these changes.
The assumption, internalization and progressive acceptance of all these changes supposes the elaboration of the mourning for the body that the authors propose.
- Adapting to the new body
Thus, the adolescent, in this vital stage, begins to accept his biological changes, before which he may feel powerless (unable to stop these changes) and bewilderment.
- discomfort and clumsiness
A phenomenon of depersonification may even appear, which implies that the minor feels uncomfortable in his own body , because it is difficult for him to recognize himself in it.
And also, if we add to that the clumsiness that sometimes arises, because a body that is in full change is not 100% mastered, things get complicated. In this sense, the movements that the child used to make to reach things, for example, no longer give the same results.
And with all this, when it is possible to go through and integrate the duel, the adolescent ends up recognizing himself in the mirror .
The duel for identity and the infantile role
Children who stop being children to enter adolescence also go through a mourning that invites them to accept that their identity and their childhood role have changed. They lose this role, which forces them to give up dependency and accept new responsibilities.
- The “loss” of childhood identity
And this loss of the infantile identity (which in reality is not “lost” at all, because it leaves an important mark on one’s own identity), forces a replacement for the adult identity to take place.
- various emotions
And on this path, it is normal for the adolescent to experience diverse emotions, such as: surprise, illusion, bewilderment, anguish… Anxiety appears above all when, in that change from one identity to another, they must go through a moment of searching and lack of a clear identity.
- Reconstruction of identity
On the other hand, when children “are children”, they accept, in a certain way, that they need other people to survive. And this has to do with his still childish identity.
However, with the onset of adolescence, the boy or girl spends some time in “no man’s land”, because he or she is no longer a child but not an adult either. And this forces him to rebuild his role in the world and his identity.
- Role confusion: neither child nor adult
As a result, difficulties may arise, not realizing how to act. The boy is old enough to be a child and therefore cannot maintain child dependency even if he wanted to.
However, he cannot assume adult independence either, which can lead to confusion in his role.
Grief for child parents
And the third mourning of adolescence, according to the authors, is the mourning for “infant parents.” The adolescent begins to separate from his parents, it is the end of the dependency relationship with them (although he continues to depend on them financially, and also on an emotional level).
- Building your autonomy
The boy continues to feel the need to feel understood and approved, in order to feel accepted.
In addition, he also has the need to build an identity outside the family (in search of his independence), although unconsciously he also feels part of it. And this is another of the many contradictions of adolescence.
- De-idealizing parents
This duel also implies understanding that the protection received from parents will no longer be the same, even if they are always by our side.
And also, it implies giving up the idealized figure that children have of their parents, accepting their weaknesses (without failing to also recognize all their strengths), and the fact that they too are getting older.
How to accompany our son in these duels?
When accompanying our son in his grieving process, it is important that we do so without invading his space , and above all, validating what he feels (everything he feels is fine).
That you feel that you have our support, but also your freedom if you need to have moments alone , with your friends… Some guidelines to keep in mind that can help are:
- This process is complex and it takes time to integrate so many duels; adapt to their rhythms, do not want to “run” and “overcome them quickly”.
- There will be times when he feels sad, unfocused… it’s normal, don’t try to avoid those emotions . You have to go through them; accompany him from that understanding.
- Listen to their needs and solve their doubts whenever they need it.
- Let him decide and gain autonomy; respect their freedoms.
- It is normal if you see him changed, apathetic, confused… and this can cause you discomfort. Also give yourself permission to make your own duels.
- And above all, accept it as it is; your son is changing, but the essence is the same .
- And remember, your child is still wonderful! Love him as you always have, without expecting anything in return.
Photos | Cover (pixabay)
