LivingWhen the couple's relationship falters due to problems in...

When the couple's relationship falters due to problems in raising children: what we can do as parents

It is common that we do not share all our tastes with our partner, that we have personalities, styles of doing things and even different life philosophies. Perhaps those differences have gone unnoticed or do not imply any conflict in the relationship, but when the discrepancies are related to raising children, things change.

There is no doubt that the arrival of children has a great impact on the family, and sometimes the stress generated by parenting, the arguments involved or different points of view can put us to the test as a couple.

Although it is normal to approach certain aspects of raising and educating children in different ways, it is important to know how to act so that these differences do not affect the relationship .

The importance of understanding the other

To begin with, it is important to understand that as independent people that we are, we all have our tastes and our way of thinking , feeling and acting.

In this sense, it is curious to see how, in general, we tend to be quite respectful of the tastes and preferences of our partner, and even end up adapting to them. But when we talk about raising and educating children, the fact that our partner sees things differently from how we see it often provokes rejection.

To avoid falling into arguments and fights within a couple, it is necessary to “put yourself in the other’s shoes”, in order to understand why they act or think the way they do.

And it is that when it comes to educating and raising multiple factors come into play ; from the education that one himself has received in his childhood, to the values he has, his beliefs, his personality, the way he sees the world…

But above all, it is important to never forget that our partner, just like us, does things the best they can and know how , always moved by unconditional love for their children.

Talk to your partner in a positive way

Once you understand why your partner acts with your children as they do, the next step is to talk to him/her honestly, openly and respectfully . Tell him what worries you about the situation, what attitudes bother you and how you can solve it together.

Speaking with confidence will bring you closer, it will allow you to know what their vision is, reach common points and, above all, begin to act as the team that you are

In addition, and just as we do with children, we must also practice active listening with our partner , without interruptions or criticism. To listen we need time, presence and eye contact. When we listen and speak in a positive way, conversations become more relaxed and fluid.

Establish agreements together

After putting on the table what bothers us about the other as father / mother, it is necessary to establish certain agreements; that is, those key principles in the education of children with which both parties agree.

Each couple must establish their own agreements, always thinking about the well-being of the child and offering them an education based on love, respect and adequate, proportionate and fair limits.

Having these “basic principles” clear, it is easier to make the rest of the rules more flexible; that is to say, those that with one member of the couple can be done in one way, and with the other member in another, without this entailing any conflict.

Teach or correct with love

We all learn to be parents through trial and error . And it is that although we officially become a mother or father after our baby is born, nobody teaches us how we should raise and educate children, and such everyday and basic aspects as changing a diaper, combing a child’s hair, bathing him or doing the laundry with baby clothes can be a real challenge for many.

But just as it is important to pay attention to the way we correct children’s mistakes, we must also do the same when the one who makes the mistake is our partner. Teaching or correcting with love, delicacy and respect is basic for any relationship.

Don’t compare your partner with yourself

But it is one thing to teach the other something that they do not know, and quite another is to want to change their way of being and acting with your children . And it is that you and your partner are independent people; with your own tastes, hobbies, different ways of seeing things and ways of understanding life.

In this sense, and as we mentioned above, as long as there are unshakable foundations established by mutual agreement, each one will have a different way of doing things or of approaching certain aspects of raising and educating children, without it being better or worse than the other.

Team, not rivals

The fact of not comparing the way your partner has of doing things with the way you have, will make you see that in the upbringing of children, parents are not rivals , but rather they form a team.

For this, it is necessary not to argue or discredit your partner in front of the children (another thing is to maintain a dialogue about our opinions and show them that an agreement can be reached) and show unity and coherence before the children.

Responsibility for parenting should be shared

Raising and educating a child is the joint responsibility of the couple, and both one and the other must be equally involved and know how to delegate.

When the couple takes care of, raises and educates the children equally, there is no place for phrases like “today my husband is babysitting” or “my partner helps me take care of the children” . This type of comment not only affects the relationship between the two (it causes comparisons, and reduces self-esteem and confidence in oneself and in the other), but also increases the physical and emotional burden of one of the two members of the couple by unbalance the balance of responsibilities, with all that this entails.

Rest and couple time

Parenting is exhausting, especially in the first years of a child’s life and as the number of children grows. The innumerable challenges that we parents face every day (schedules, conciliation, responsibilities, lack of sleep…) can end up generating stress and fatigue , and in turn have repercussions on our coexistence.

But we must not forget that the couple bond is the fundamental support for children, hence the importance of taking care of it every day.

That is why it is as important to take care of our partner as we take care of ourselves and our children , pampering the relationship, dedicating time exclusively to each other and taking care of those small daily details that should be the foundation of any relationship.

When couples connect emotionally, take care of each other, and take time for each other, they are prepared to deal with any potholes that may come with parenting.

In short, it is normal to have discrepancies with the couple in the upbringing and education of children , but it is important to treat them in a positive and respectful way, teaming up for the well-being of the children.

Photos | iStock, Pexels

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