Parenting involves caring, educating and many other things. Therefore, it is not easy at all, it is quite a challenge! Both when children are young and when they grow up.
Thus, parenting can be complex at different times in our children’s lives, to which is added the fact that we, as mothers and fathers, also change and also make mistakes.
We talk here about the 11 common mistakes that we make with our teenagers and that distance us from them. Also, how to reverse them to promote a healthier and closer bond with our children.
11 Common Mistakes We Make With Our Teens (And Keep Us Away From Them)
1. Forget that they are teenagers
The psychologist Félix MartÃnez affirms that one of the main mistakes we make with our adolescent children is to forget, precisely, that they are adolescents.
And it is that, according to the expert, sooner or later the time comes when our son is “ashamed” of us, for example, when we accompany him to places.
And at that point, it is when we have to begin to cultivate their independence and freedom, offering them a good dose of confidence. We have to remember that a teenager is no longer a small child , although he is not an adult either. So, treat it as you feel, but keeping all this in mind.
2. Eliminate norms and reinforcements
Although it is true that the adolescent is no longer a child, he still needs rules (limits) and reinforcements (actions that promote his self-esteem, such as praise, hugs, an afternoon with the family or material “prizes”). The limits will give them security and the reinforcements, self-confidence.
3. Being inconsistent in our actions
And closely linked to the previous point, another mistake we make with our adolescent children is being inconsistent in our actions with them.
For example, setting a limit or a rule (verbalizing that non-compliance with said rule has X consequence), and then not complying with it.
Or promise them something and then the promise is diluted. In all this, the boys notice (besides, being incoherent can undermine their trust in us, because they can experience things as “unfair”, and rightly so).
4. Judge them
If we judge our children, it is likely that they will end up moving away from us. The alternative? Observe their behavior, their emotions, from a compassionate look, with an open mind. And above all, opt for active listening to better understand them.
5. Define them based on their behaviors
Another mistake that we sometimes make as parents, without realizing it, is to define our children based on their behaviors (and thus transfer it to them).
If, for example, our son arrives late to a site, or does not prepare things for the next day, let’s not say “you are a disaster”. Their conduct may have been neglected at a given moment, but that does not mean that they are as a whole.
Thus, we speak of their behaviors, not of them in their entirety . This is important because the use and care of language also contributes to fostering healthy self-esteem and self-concept.
6. Do not trust them
Of course, our children sometimes make mistakes, disappoint us or feel that they have “failed” us, and it is good that all this can be discussed openly with them. However, trust is also built with things that do go well .
Do not stop trusting your son so quickly, give him at least a chance, a vote of confidence. This has an indirect effect, and it is that the perfect climate is created so that they also begin to trust us.
7. Overprotect them
Overprotection is another mistake that we make with our adolescent children, and that continues to be linked to the points already mentioned; we insist, they are no longer children.
Of course we must take care of them and accompany them, and that in a certain way, they will always need us (at least, on an emotional level) ; but let’s not make the mistake of giving it all done, or of wanting to avoid making mistakes at all costs.
Let’s remember that kids need to make mistakes to learn and develop tolerance for failure.
8. Being afraid to individualize
When you have more than one child, sometimes the fear arises of individualizing each one, of differentiating them from the other, since we do not want them to be compared, that one feels less than the other…
9. Create rigid rules
Although it is true that the norms have to be stable and the same for everyone (although adaptable, to a certain extent), it is also important that when we establish a certain norm, we take into account that it does not apply to a person , but to a behavior or to an attitude.
If we take this into account, we will also realize the need to create flexible rules. When we speak of flexible norms, we speak of norms that do not refer to the capacities of our children, but to the use they make of them.
“An adequate norm is one that does not judge the person, but rather evaluates the use he makes of his abilities.”
– Felix Martinez
10. Wanting to control everything
This error, in some cases linked to overprotection, has to do with the need to want to control everything that our adolescent son does or says. It is born as a result of insecurities, of the fear of being wrong, of doing something “bad”…
Why do we affirm this? Because it is impossible to control everything , and besides, it is exhausting and unproductive. You don’t have to control everything your child does. What if you start letting go of control and trusting it?
It can be good for you to ally yourself with flexibility and begin to open your mind, relativize.
Also, keep in mind that excessive control often leads to intransigence, or in some cases, an authoritarian parenting style, which does not benefit your child at all.
11. Forgetting that we were teenagers too
Finally, and linking the last point with the first, just as we sometimes forget that our children are teenagers, it can also happen that we ourselves forget that we also go through this time .
We also did, in his day, things that perhaps were not the most “appropriate”, or perhaps we rebelled, told some white lie, made mistakes in some decisions, etc.
This will help you foster empathy towards your children when you get angry with them or they disappoint you; Of course, sometimes there will be reasons to be angry , and you also have every right to feel that way.
But do not forget that you also went through this complex time that is adolescence; perhaps this will help you better understand how your teen thinks (and acts). Which will lead you to connect with him.
Photos | Portada (freepik)
