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Are you becoming a controlling mother? How to avoid it for the sake of your children

Are you becoming a controlling mother ? How to find out? The truth is that being a mother is not an easy task, and that is that no one is given a manual to do it in the most “correct” way.

And then it’s time to try to solve the situations that arise, giving the best of ourselves. On the other hand, although we would like to always do everything well, the truth is that this can sometimes get a bit complicated, and that it is not necessary to “do everything perfectly”, or have control over everything, to be the best mothers for our children.

Thus, it is easy to manifest controlling mother behaviors, and we understand you, it is not bad, you just try to do the best for your children. But this, far from being beneficial for them, can be very detrimental to their healthy development, which includes their self-esteem and autonomy.

Are you becoming a controlling mother? how to find out

If you feel that you may be, or may be becoming, a controlling mother, here we will help you clarify your doubts. But we want to emphasize that the fact that you inquire about the subject is a good sign of wanting to improve your well -being and that of your children.

Some signs that would denote this excess of control are:

  • You need to know where your kids are all the time, and what they’re doing (even when they’re home).
  • You feel sad, and even depressed , when you notice that your children do not ask you for help or do not need you to do something.
  • You try to take care of absolutely everything that concerns your son.
  • You use phrases like: “you don’t love me anymore”, “you never tell me your things”, “I know I’m in your way”, “you don’t trust me”, etc., phrases that unconsciously imply manipulation so that your children get closer more to you.
  • You feel jealous of your children’s other relationships (friends, teachers, etc.).
  • You dream of the life you have planned for your children. You have thought about all your future and you want more than anything that this is fulfilled.
Controlling our children involves behaviors and attitudes but also words, with phrases like “you don’t love me anymore”, which already border on emotional manipulation (although we do it unconsciously).

If you have identified yourself with one or more of these signs, it is time to pay attention to it. If you need it, we encourage you to seek help from a mental health professional, who will guide you in the process of getting to know yourself better and why you are becoming a controlling mother.

Do not feel bad about this, realizing it is a big step, and a significant step towards becoming a better version of yourself as a mother and as a person.

It is important to identify the behaviors that could denote this excess of control in the upbringing of our children.

What do children of controlling mothers feel? The consequences of excess control

Having a controlling mother is not easy, and it can be very overwhelming for children, even affecting their mental health and development. To begin with, being very controlling affects the development of our children’s autonomy, by not letting them learn to take responsibility for their daily tasks.

Controlling our children excessively can hinder their development and autonomy, and limit their feeling of personal security.

Difficulty developing other capacities

And it is that this affects at all levels, not only in the transcendental. We are talking, for example, of a mother who showers her son every day and dresses him (this would be logical when they are very young); well, this, far from helping him look good, is making it impossible for him to develop the necessary skills to be able to take care of himself.

Insecurities and low self-esteem

They can then become children with many insecurities and low self-esteem, which will undoubtedly affect their lives and the way they interact with others.

Teenagers looking for control

On the other hand, upon reaching adolescence, it is very common for these children to rebel against their mothers and desperately seek control of their own lives , but not having developed the necessary skills, this can be very complex and even problematic.

What can I do to avoid being a controlling mother?

The first thing you need to do is realize that you have a tendency to be controlling . Once you make it conscious, it’s time to dig in and work on it. For this, it is important to do a process of introspection to understand what is happening to you and what has led you to develop these characteristics.

Introduce small changes and responsibilities

It will also help you to begin to make changes in those control behaviors (change them for behaviors that show confidence in your children and that stimulate their autonomy).

Don’t worry, you can do it little by little, with small day-to-day things (for example, giving them the option to choose their clothes, assigning them small tasks such as preparing their backpack, setting the table, etc.).

Work on your expectations: your child does not have to be “what you expect”

Understand that your child is an independent being from you , with their own tastes, decisions and ways of seeing the world. It is not about someone who comes to be an exact copy of you, or someone who comes to fulfill your frustrated dreams or expectations.

He identifies these expectations and assumes that he does not have to meet them. And above all, understand your child and love him as a different person from you.

Try to make yourself aware of all this and avoid as much as possible the use of emotional manipulation phrases. This can cause emotional wounds in your children and we know that this is not what you want.

Identify which role as a mother you really want to play

Get busy getting to know yourself, loving yourself, accepting yourself and healing your own childhood wounds. Sometimes we reproduce roles that our parents have already reproduced with us and that are not appropriate; It is important that we review these roles and the beliefs associated with them.

In this way you will be able to more clearly identify the role as mothers that you want to reproduce, in addition to feeling more confident, secure and happy in your upbringing, and this will be reflected in the way you care for and raise your little ones. .

Photos | Cover (Freepik)

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