The way in which we raise our children influences the development of their personality, their self-esteem and the acquisition of skills that will serve them for a lifetime.
Fortunately, more and more families are aware of the importance of parenting with respect, banishing punishment and authoritarianism , which, far from educating, disconnects us from our children.
However, when it comes to raising and educating, we still fall into certain toxic attitudes and behaviors that we are not always able to identify because they are too normalized. We reveal which ones and what we can do to avoid falling into them.
Shout out
Yelling is often not seen by many adults as a form of violence towards the child . In fact, they are so standardized in parenting that we are often unaware of how much we use them. But yelling damages the child’s self-esteem, they do not serve to educate and generate stress and insecurity, so it is important to banish them.
- When it comes to educating and setting limits, replace shouting with a firm and respectful tone of voice , and address your children as you would like other people to address you.
Blackmail, threaten and manipulate
Emotional blackmail and manipulation is a form of psychological violence deeply rooted in society, especially in parenting. Blackmail phrases with children have escaped us all at some point , and although we do not always realize it, it is necessary to do an exercise in reflection and avoid falling into this harmful form of communication.
- Manipulating and threatening children (even subtly) to get them to do what we want has very negative consequences for them. Avoid falling into these mistakes and communicate with love and respect .
Label
“Hyperactive”, “sassy”, “annoying”, “rude”, “unfriendly”, “shy”, “lazy”, “nice”, “organized”… the labels that we often use with children are innumerable . In addition, they come to us almost naturally, completely ignoring the damage they can cause.
The label qualifies the whole person based on their behavior at a given time. And after constantly repeating it, the child assumes that this label is what defines him , even marking his way of being and acting as others expect of him.
- Labeling children means pigeonholing them, ignoring many other qualities and abilities that are clouded by our biased vision. Therefore, it is essential to address children without prejudice, stigma or preconceived ideas ; simply opening our mind and discovering all its essence.
Ignore
Ignoring children is one of the most entrenched forms of violence in parenting, practiced even from the time they are babies. And it is that moved by the advice of the environment, many parents often fall into the mistake of ignoring the crying of their babies for fear that they will get used to the arms or believing that this way they will learn to fall asleep on their own.
As they grow up, it is also common to ignore the little ones’ calls for attention , separate them from the group if they have erratic behavior or even neglect them in full emotional outburst.
- The arms, kisses and respectful accompaniment of parents are the best refuge for children from the moment they come into the world, and especially when their emotions overwhelm them or they behave badly.
Prevent them from expressing their opinion
“What I say will be done here!”, “Stay out of adult conversations!”, “Children have nothing to say”… With these types of authoritarian phrases we relegate children to a background , stating that your opinion does not interest us.
But the truth is that our children, no matter how small they are, have the need to feel accepted within their reference group, and as such, their wishes, opinions or considerations should be taken into account in the family.
- When you relate to your children, avoid falling into authoritarianism, which not only damages the child’s self-esteem and security, but also prevents him from growing and developing fully. Instead, it is committed to democratic upbringing, where the voice of the child is also heard and valued .
trivialize your feelings
Too often we minimize or trivialize our children’s feelings, as if just because they are children they have no right to feel, cry, complain or get emotional.
But reproaching or belittling children for this type of attitude is totally disrespectful, even though we believe that their childhood problems are nothing compared to ours.
- When your little one tells you a problem or expresses an emotion, simply accompany him, listen to him and embrace him as you would like others to do with you in the same situation.
force them to do things
Forcing them to eat when they are not hungry, to say hello with kisses, to share their toys with other children, to sit still despite their spontaneous and active nature, to hurry without taking into account their abilities and development… There are many situations in which children feel coerced by adults and forced to change their behavior or act in a certain way.
- The best way to teach children limits and social norms is through our example and respectful accompaniment of their needs and way of being.
Ridicule
Laughing at them when they cry, jokingly sharing with other adults the secrets they confide in us, violating their intimacy with shameless questions, using double meanings, irony or sarcasm in our communication with them even knowing that they will not understand us…
If we extrapolated these types of attitudes to the adult world, we would immediately realize that they are totally disrespectful . However, when it comes to children it seems that anything goes.
- The cognitive development of children is a gradual and long process. Accompanying and guiding from love, equality and respect is essential for our children to grow up safe, confident and with a healthy self-esteem.
treat them superior
The experience that age gives us, the diversity of lived situations and learning from mistakes made make adults have more knowledge and skills than children , but this does not give us the right to treat them with superiority and arrogance.
But we usually demonstrate our superiority to them with moral sermons that disconnect us from their needs, frequently highlight their mistakes, or remind them that we know better.
- When communicating with our children, it is important to do so with all five senses, listening with interest to what they tell us and enhancing their self-knowledge and helping them to express themselves freely.
