Temper tantrums, childhood frustrations and challenge of limits are situations that parents often face when educating our children. They are part of their development and learning, and it is our job to guide and teach them in a respectful way.
However, adults are not always capable of taking distance to act in a relaxed way , and on too many occasions we fall into the error of letting ourselves be carried away by our own emotions, interpreting the child’s gesture as a “pulse” that is kicking us out or a “fight” that we must win.
We explain how to identify “power struggles” between parents and children , and why it is so important to avoid falling into these types of situations.
Power struggles between parents and children: why they occur and how they affect our relationship
“He’s manipulating you” ; “He’s challenging you” ; “Don’t give in if you don’t want me to control you” ; “Don’t let him get away with it”; “You don’t answer me again!” ; “I count you up to three so you can do it” … Surely you are familiar with these or other similar phrases related to child behavior.
With some frequency, we parents fall into the mistake of thinking that when our son bursts into a tantrum, confronts us or challenges the limits, he does so with the aim of “manipulating” us or “getting away with it” .
This adult perspective of the facts puts us on alert and activates our emotional brain , allowing us to be carried away by feelings that drag us into an unconscious fight with the child that, of course, we consider that we must win so that “he does not get what he wants”, ” don’t fight us” or understand “who’s in charge at home”.
In a way, we can say that power struggles stem from an adult-centric view of parenting . That is to say, we parents consider that our adult perspective is superior to that of children and we show it to them with an authoritarian and controlling education ( “ behave well and pay attention to me “, “obey me!” , “things are done that way, and dot” …”).
Multitasking, exhaustion and the hectic pace of life that we lead also prevent us from connecting with children from respect and empathy, often causing us to rush them or force them to do things without taking into account their real needs.
But wanting to control the situation at every moment causes emotional exhaustion, in addition to disconnecting us from our children and altering the climate of coexistence at home.
For their part, children who grow up in an environment where power struggles are common , it is normal for them to be insecure and have low self-esteem. They will also feel that their needs are not being respectfully met, and they will face a constant sense of defeat or failure.
While our children are young, we may not be especially aware of engaging in power struggles with them, especially if they do not wear us down excessively and “the children listen to us at first.”
But as they get older and enter adolescence, it is possible that the confrontations with the children intensify, and parents feel that we have lost control in certain situations.
Why we should not take conflicts with children personally
As we say, it is very likely that on many occasions we are not aware of the way in which we are acting. Parents always want the best for our children , and it is not easy to realize that sometimes we make mistakes in parenting that can harm them.
If we see ourselves identified in the situations described, we simply have to answer these questions: Do we really want to become rivals of our children? Our aspiration as parents and educators is to always have control of the situation and that the children pay attention to us at every moment? Do we want a family environment where disconnection, anxiety and mutual disrespect prevail?
Surely the answer is ‘NO’. Therefore, far from blaming and martyring ourselves, we must know how to educate in a positive, loving and empathetic way, establishing limits based on respect for both parties .
And it is important to highlight this point because, unfortunately, there are still people who believe that educating with respect is saying ‘yes’ to everything, allowing the child to do what they want or to grow without limits.
It is precisely this erroneous view of parenting that leads us to want to “win” the child when a conflict arises, ignoring their needs and focusing solely on their behavior , instead of going further and connecting.
In short, as parents it is essential to be aware of the impact that our actions and our way of educating have on the behavior, development and personality of the child. Only then can we correct certain attitudes to achieve a greater connection and better relationship with our children.
