Children are not born with an off button to be able to turn them off when adults “bother us”. Nor are they born with learned social norms, and until we teach them, they do not understand the importance of self-regulating their behavior and managing their emotions.
Parenting is a difficult and exhausting journey , and it is often fraught with interference that prevents us from connecting with the real needs of children. In the presence of these interferences and the lack of resources to manage moments in a respectful and positive way, adults sometimes make the mistake of using techniques such as punishment or blackmail , even knowing that they are not the best way to educate .
As parents we can do better, but for this it is important to be aware of how much these methods harm the development of our children and be willing to look for other respectful alternatives.
Why adults fall into these techniques
There are many reasons why adults can fall into these techniques when educating children, even knowing that they are not good educational methods.
On the one hand, we find aspects such as stress, lack of patience and the rush of the day that drags us to educate with the “pilot on” and without really being aware of the needs of children. “Genetic inheritance” – that is, how we were raised – can also influence, as well as social pressure that can lead us to do or say things that we do not feel for fear of others judging us.
Finally, another important aspect should be highlighted, and that is that, in general, blackmail and punishment are techniques that work when it comes to modifying the child’s behavior immediately.
When we verify that the child stops jumping on the bed if we threaten him not to go to the park, or that after punishing him without video games the relationship with his brother seems to improve, it is easy to believe that these techniques are effective and that thanks to them we are educating.
But the reality is totally different , and the change in children’s behavior is nothing more than a short-lived mirage that, moreover, has very negative consequences on their self-esteem and personality development.
How punishment and blackmail affect child development
When we punish a child we are depriving him of something ( “since you have behaved badly, today we will not go to the park” ), separating him from an activity that he likes ( “as punishment, you will not be able to continue playing with your friends” ), ridiculing him in front of to others, or withdrawing some privilege he already had ( “since you haven’t eaten everything, you won’t be able to play the video game console this afternoon” ).
For its part, emotional blackmail involves coercing or manipulating the child to do or stop doing something according to our interests. It is a form of psychological violence deeply rooted in parenting, of which sometimes we are not even aware, as it is camouflaged behind apparently innocent phrases and without malice.
The bond between the adult and the child is also impaired . In the case of the child, there is a loss of trust in the adult of reference, while on the adult’s side there is a lack of connection that completely detaches him from the needs of the minor.
As we said above, as a general rule punishments and blackmail work in the short term , and for fear of the consequences the child ends up modifying his behavior. Now, is this how we want our children to act? Do we want tomorrow to be submissive adults, without their own criteria or decision-making capacity for fear of others?
But also punishments can have the opposite effect, especially if they are used frequently. Thus, the child could end up rebelling against the adult who imposes his limits in this way, so that there comes a time when the punishment stops working (but has left behind important emotional consequences).
As parents we can do better
We already said it at the beginning: educating children is a difficult and exhausting path, and unfortunately, in the current society in which we live , we travel this path completely alone .
Given the lack of a tribe to support us and the absolute lack of resources, we parents end up acting as we know best, but the reality is that we are more lost than ever.
And it is that every day is a new opportunity to do things differently . To work the limits from empathy, love and respect, and to emotionally support the child who is having bad behavior.
When it comes to educating, let’s not forget that our children are learning to function in life , and for this learning to be adequate, it is essential to have a calm, respectful and empathetic adult to guide them.
