Negotiating is an art that involves connecting with the other , understanding their needs and adopting a flexible role at certain times.
And it is that, surely you have encountered many times with situations that require negotiating and reaching agreements with your children. And in some of those situations you may have ended up “giving in”, frustrated, angry, feeling bad about how you have handled it …
Here it is not a matter of giving more or giving less, but of being able to reach common ground with our children , respecting their needs and interests but also what we believe will be more positive for them. We tell you how to negotiate with them in a healthy, respectful and enriching way for their development!
What does it mean to negotiate?
When we talk about negotiating, we refer to all that effort made by two or more people, in their interactions , to obtain a benefit, reach a mutual agreement … Thus, we negotiate to resolve conflicts, to reach a point of agreement or a common ground, gain advantages, reach a neutral point …
With children, we can negotiate a large number of things on a day-to-day basis; from simpler things such as what they are going to have a snack, or whether or not they will go to the park today, to slightly more complex aspects such as the time of arrival at home (when they are older), the tasks or responsibilities that they will have assigned at home, etc.
That is why it is so important to identify some keys that can help us to negotiate with them and, above all, to reach agreements that benefit both parties . How do we do it? We leave you seven useful strategies to negotiate with them.
Seven keys to reaching agreements and negotiating with your children
What can help us to negotiate with children in an assertive way to reach common ground? We talk about seven strategies!
Encourage them to give their opinion
A first step in reaching agreements and negotiating with children is to encourage them to give their opinion. You can put it like this: “What do you think of this? What do you need? What are you waiting for?”
Once you know their opinion, their expectations, explain how you see it. Make it a real conversation, not a mere exchange of interests . For this, active listening is key here (as we will also see later).
Offer him alternatives
When negotiating with the little ones, a strategy that can help us is to offer them different alternatives when they have to decide. It is about “making it easy for them” and that they can choose freely , always respecting some criteria or minimums previously stipulated (and discussed with them).
For example, your son doesn’t want to go on a weekend family outing because he says he doesn’t feel like it.
One idea would be to propose several options: that you can choose to go one day instead of two as agreed , the possibility of choosing the place, etc. It is a way of promoting discipline and judgment but without ceasing to be flexible.
Encourage brainstorming
When it comes to reaching agreements with the children, another idea that can help us is to propose the possibility of brainstorming together. For example, you do not agree on the extracurricular activity that will take place this year.
He is interested in some, but you think that others can benefit him more. Here you can ask him the following: “Look, we brainstorm activities that you might like , and then we decide.”
In this way, you are bringing positions closer, facilitating a closer climate, and that can help you feel like one more, with the ability to choose (although sometimes with “limitations”).
Resolve the conflict together
There is no better way to resolve a conflict, or to reach an agreement, than doing it together. Think of it as a game , as a team effort.
You can ask him what options he considers, or what interests he has, for you to later comment on what you think. The key is in active listening : listen to each other, carefully.
Be flexible and encourage their flexibility too
Flexibility is an essential tool to reach agreements, bring positions closer together, better understand the other … Therefore, it is important that you be flexible with your child, but also that you encourage flexibility in him .
How? For example, giving him different options and choosing the one that best suits what he needs (it is a way of broadening his gaze, his perspective).
Or encourage him to raise the options himself, for example through the brainstorming already mentioned (but above all, that they be several options, not limited to a “yes” or a “no”).
On the other hand, cognitive stimulation exercises focused on working on this specific skill can also help you (flexibility is actually a cognitive skill).
One of these exercises that we propose is to place ludo chips on a board , in each of the boxes, where each box has the name of the chip (for example, “green chip”) in a color that does not correspond to the one mentioned. (for example, the letters are yellow). Thus, the child will have to make the effort to “get out of that incoherence” between the non-correspondence of the color of the card and the color of the letters, through flexibility.
Generate a suitable space and climate
It is not always easy to negotiate certain aspects of our children’s education; what is good for them, what can be good for them, what can harm them … Therefore, one way of making things easier for us is by creating a suitable space and climate to talk .
Although this will not always be possible (there are “negotiations” that will arise with him on the street, in the park, etc.), we can try to carry it out as far as possible. What do we mean by this?
On the one hand, select the space to speak (especially with important topics); your room? The living room? Ideally, it should be a comfortable place for both of you.
On the other hand, promote a close, relaxed climate. We can start by asking him how his day has gone, or reinforcing him for some small achievement. And little by little, introduce the topic to be discussed or negotiated.
Put assertiveness into practice
Assertiveness is that ability that allows us to say things sincerely and honestly but without hurting the other . That is, with respect and tact but without stopping to defend our beliefs or points of view.
When we negotiate, it is important to do it through this communicative style, because if we are at the opposite extremes (aggressiveness or passivity), it is very difficult to reach agreements, transmit trust, to be listened to … because the other can close in band , feeling hurt, judged, etc.
For this reason, assertiveness can be helpful, on the one hand, when it comes to expressing to your child what you think he needs clearly , and on the other, when asking him to also explain what he thinks.
Photos | Cover (pexels), Image 1 (pixabay), Image 2 (pexels)
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